In-law venting thread

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

Hell, husband graduated. The ceremony was awesome! I was very sad in-laws did NOT show up. I know hub told them not to come.... but a small part of me thought they would anyway. Nope.

Regardless, we had an awesome time!

Glad it was a good time. The in-laws will regret it later. It's like cutting off your nose to spite your face (or "spider face" if you're a fan of The Office.)

[ForeverRoses]

for the first time ever I did not manically clean before my in-laws visted last week. I cleaned the room they were to stay in, changed the sheets & blankets and kept the door closed to keep the cats out, but other than that, nothing special. No dusting and crazy vacuuming. I was waiting for my OCD FIL to say something, and the strangest thing happened- he didn't say a word about it. he sat on the floor and played with the kids and didn't comment about the clutter or the dirty laundry or anything.

he did offer to buy dinner out both nights, but I was cool with that because I didn't really have time to cook anyway!

[ellebud]

I am getting close to becoming a mother in law. I really like the so of all my kids. Heck, I'll admit to loving them.

And I can't wait to become a grandmother! So, speaking as a potential grandmother: Bette...when I was in labor my mother came to the hospital to see me. Things weren't going well (everything turned out fine, just took a long time). I knew that if my mother came into the room I'd lose it. (I loved my mother very much.) The nurse said that she would take care of it. She told my mother that there was a new rule, only husband or so in the room.

I can't wait to become a grandmother. If my daughters want me in the room...I'm there. If my dil invites me in.....I'm there. If not...I'll be doing what every Jewish grandmother does: shopping for the baby. (It's considered "bad Luck" to outfit a nursery prior to the birth...in Jewish tradition. No worries, everything that I would have put on hold will be getting picked up.)

Only invite whom you want to have in labor/delivery. If not being asked...let the nurse do the dirty work.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by ellebud

let the nurse do the dirty work....

...if you have asked said nurse if he or she minds doing the dirty work and they have said they do not and offer to assist.

[BetteDavisEyes]

Originally Posted by ellebud

If not being asked...let the nurse do the dirty work.

I called the hospital and specifically my friend who is the Marketing Director at the hospital and she said that we can in fact request the nurses not let anyone that isn't hospital staff enter the delivery and recovery room until we give them the o.k. I'll turn to that if no other option presents itself. Well, the other option is not calling her until after baby is born. Lol!

[agzg]

Live-in's mom has made comments to the effect of being there for all of that type of stuff. She once said "I can't wait to take you wedding dress shopping, you know, since your mom won't be there."

While I appreciate that she loves me and wants me and Live-in to be married and happy together (and I really do appreciate it - she is not short on love or annoying habits), pairing it with a "since your mom won't be there" was like punching me in the gut. That was a few years ago now, and I'm hoping that she's picked up on the fact that mentioning my mom or things we can do together since my mom isn't around is something that makes me shut down completely.

I worry though, that she'll say something like "since your mom won't be there" in regard to labor/babies. I might have to pull out with "the only non-doctor/nurse in the room I want seeing my vulva is Live-in, since he had to see it to get me into this mess anyway."

[TonyB06]

Originally Posted by agzg

...I worry though, that she'll say something like "since your mom won't be there" in regard to labor/babies. I might have to pull out with "the only non-doctor/nurse in the room I want seeing my vulva is Live-in, since he had to see it to get me into this mess anyway."

I know, right. Sentimentalist that I am, I watch "A Baby Story" episodes on TLC? It's amazing how many times you see whole families, relatives all up in the delivery room. More than once I've seen somebody's brother-in-law with a camera phone over the doctor's shoulder and dude is rolling tape like he's Speilberg or Spike Lee or something.

As conceptually beautiful as it is, childbirth is stressful enough. When my daughters were born, the nurse was like "grab her leg and gently push back."

I was like "no, no, no. Believe me, I'm just fine way up here by her ear and collarbone."

[DaffyKD]

I only had my now ex husband in the delivery room with the birth of both kids. We called when the babies were born. The family came to the hospital the next morning to see the baby. With kidlet #1 about 6 am the day after I came home I heard rustling around the house. My FIL had shown up to play with the baby. WTF???? We were all still sleeping. With kidlet #2, we knew he was going to be born real sick and need surgery as soon as he was born. I made it clear to everyone that they were not to come visit until the next day. I was having a C-section and then baby was off to surgery-- that was more than enough stress for anyone. As they were rolling me into my room from recovery, my FIL am came strolling into my room. Social services had sent someone to greet us when we arrived in the room to help us through the stress and she saw me become visibly upset as FIL came in before I was even settled. Told now ex to get his father out of the room. The clueless man ended up staying 5 hours until baby came out of surgery and then felt it was his place to begin questioning the surgeon. GRRRRRR. Luckily, he is no longer my FIL.

DaffyKD

[Jill1228]

Hell, I think your mother in laws should be featured on Monster In Laws on A&E. I am like holy shit

Originally Posted by BetteDavisEyes

Mine has invited herself to be present at the birth of my baby. Expects to be called right away when I'm admitted and will stay throughout the delivery and right through my discharge and then spend a few days here with us.

Uh-huh. You go right on believing that. It ain't gonna happen.

Originally Posted by ellebud

I am getting close to becoming a mother in law. I really like the so of all my kids. Heck, I'll admit to loving them.

And I can't wait to become a grandmother! So, speaking as a potential grandmother: Bette...when I was in labor my mother came to the hospital to see me. Things weren't going well (everything turned out fine, just took a long time). I knew that if my mother came into the room I'd lose it. (I loved my mother very much.) The nurse said that she would take care of it. She told my mother that there was a new rule, only husband or so in the room.

I can't wait to become a grandmother. If my daughters want me in the room...I'm there. If my dil invites me in.....I'm there. If not...I'll be doing what every Jewish grandmother does: shopping for the baby. (It's considered "bad Luck" to outfit a nursery prior to the birth...in Jewish tradition. No worries, everything that I would have put on hold will be getting picked up.)

Only invite whom you want to have in labor/delivery. If not being asked...let the nurse do the dirty work.

[ellebud]

To those of you who had parents and in laws show up: My mother (who is getting a bad rap here, but she was a truly wonderful mother and a fabulous grandmother) and father did come to the hospital after two of our children were born. My mother did not come for the third child because she had a cold. But did she cook dinner? I had c sections each time...and no she didn't. I cooked, somehow. And she thought that it wasn't good enough.

On the other hand when my husband called my in laws (his dear parents) after I had my first (I had been in labor for 18 hours and then had an emergency section) they hung up on him. It was late they said. They showed up two weeks later to see our first...and my mil criticized my housekeeping.

And after I hired full time live in help: I was "spoiled" because I had a housekeeper (as did her other dil...but she was "special")...and the women weren't in uniform. I was a "bad" employer. (But my house was clean.)

They didn't bring dinner either.

We didn't call them again after the birth of our next two.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by agzg

Live-in's mom has made comments to the effect of being there for all of that type of stuff. She once said "I can't wait to take you wedding dress shopping, you know, since your mom won't be there."

While I appreciate that she loves me and wants me and Live-in to be married and happy together (and I really do appreciate it - she is not short on love or annoying habits), pairing it with a "since your mom won't be there" was like punching me in the gut. That was a few years ago now, and I'm hoping that she's picked up on the fact that mentioning my mom or things we can do together since my mom isn't around is something that makes me shut down completely.

I worry though, that she'll say something like "since your mom won't be there" in regard to labor/babies. I might have to pull out with "the only non-doctor/nurse in the room I want seeing my vulva is Live-in, since he had to see it to get me into this mess anyway."

I realize you're in a situation with a potential MIL, but I am so thankful my step-father has never acted that way since my father died. When I was getting married my grandfather was going to take me down the aisle, and since that didn't happen he is deceased as well. If I ever decided to get married I'd just walk myself down the aisle since I don't see that I am someone or thing to be given to a man, or I'd do it up Norwegian style and make it a big ol' Soul Train Line to the church, down the aisle, back up the aisle, out of the church, and then to the reception. I'm serious about a Soul Train Line though, even if I do it with Norwegian fiddlers or have something soul foul and funky playing, there will be a Soul Train Line at some point.

I'm still squicked out on the whole idea of pregnancy, like this parasitic creature siphoning off me, the changes to my body, how disgusting the normal and natural act of childbirth is, that I don't want anyone who isn't being paid by my insurance plan going below or seeing anything below my waist. If I really don't want to see what's going on down there, no one who isn't a medical professional is going to be scoping it out either. My fellas were relieved when i said that, and there has been agreement that no one wants to spoil the magic so to speak. My own mother and I often clash, so I think if it wasn't my partner in the room, or there could be two people, it'd definitely be either/or my eldest sister (biological) or the youngest of my older sisters (step) since they've been through it and get me better than my mother does.

For now I'm just sticking to be the single mother of two very active 2 year old cats but I seriously plan to be a foster parent for LGBTQI kids once I get settled after my second Masters and have purchased a home.

[aephi alum]

There is no way in hell that I would want either of my husband's parents in the delivery room while giving birth. The only family I'd want there would be my husband and maybe my mother, and I'd want them up by the head of the bed, not standing around gawping while I popped out something the size of a watermelon. (Not that my mother hasn't seen childbirth - she is a doctor - but I wouldn't want her to watch ME giving birth.) And I wouldn't want anyone there who didn't have to be there. I wouldn't want every OB/GYN resident in the hospital standing there gawping either.

Not that it matters. Children are not in my future.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

I don't want anyone who isn't being paid by my insurance plan going below or seeing anything below my waist. If I really don't want to see what's going on down there, no one who isn't a medical professional is going to be scoping it out either. My fellas were relieved when i said that, and there has been agreement that no one wants to spoil the magic so to speak. My own mother and I often clash, so I think if it wasn't my partner in the room, or there could be two people, it'd definitely be either/or my eldest sister (biological) or the youngest of my older sisters (step) since they've been through it and get me better than my mother does.

When my sister had my niece, it was just her and my mother in the room. She became single about halfway through her pregnancy, so a partner wasn't an option. It was always the plan for my mom to be there, but since her water broke on our way home from Christmas Eve dinner, we all got a little more involved with the whole experience. It was good birth control for a 15 year old.

Having seen how my mom acted with my sister (at one point telling her to suck it up and stop screaming), I know that when it's time for me to give birth, my mom is not the one. My mother's also of the school where husbands/fathers shouldn't be in the room, but I think that's an old school thing.

[BetteDavisEyes]

My mother said for me to call her when I go into labor and again when baby is born so she can go visit. She has never been in the delivery room for any of her grandkids and has no interest in being there. She's of the belief that it should be only mom, dad (or coach) and hospital staff.

My mil though is the kind to offer her unsolicited advice on EVERYTHING. She is not pleased with my decision to get an epidural. She firmly believes that any form of drugs are a bad decision on the part of the mother and that REAL women don't take the drugs and deal with the pain.
Everytime I see her I get a lecture on the dangers of pain meds for childbirth and how epidurals slow down labor etc.

[KSUViolet06]

My best advice (from a counseling perspective) is to set boundaries with the new baby as a couple and play on the same team.

The biggest problem I see is when MIL feels she can just "show up" to help with the baby uninvited. Then when you say "dude your mom can't come over everyday" instead of telling mom to respect the boundary, he jumps in to defend mom and gets offended. No boundaries are set and hubby has no balls and feels like he has to play on the same team as mom.

As long as you both are okay with setting boundaries with the parents, and no one gets all "don't you go telling my mom she can't come over everyday!" you'll be fine.