Tips for Southerners Moving to the North

[dzsaigirl]

That pretty much sums up my short two years living in the armpit of the United States.

Originally posted by AlphaSigOU
A TEXAN MOVES NORTH

January 10th: It's 5:00 p.m. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful!

January 11th: We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it. I did both the driveway and sidewalk. Later, a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

January 12th: It snowed an additional five inches last night and the temperature has dropped to about 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled the driveway again. Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and pulled his trick again. Now, much of the snow is brownish-gray.

January 13th: It warmed up enough during the day to create some slush that soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. Paid $145 to a chiropractor, but nothing broken. More snow and ice expected.

January 14th: Still cold as hell. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4 x 4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guard rail anyway and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another eight inches of the white shit last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today!

January 15th: It's two fucking degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the fucking house down. I managed to put the flames out, but suffered second-degree burns on my hands and I lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. The car slid off the road on the way to the hospital and was totaled.

January 16th: Goddamn motherfuckin' white shit keeps coming down! Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. If I ever catch that son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow, I'm gonna chew open his chest and rip his heart out! I think he hides around the corner and waits till I shovel our driveway again. Power is still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in..

January 17th: Six more more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' sleet and fuckin' ice and no telling what other kind of white fuckin' shit fell last night! I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snowblind. I can't feel my fuckin' toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More white shit is predicted. Wind chill is 22 degrees below zero. Aw, fuckit, I'm movin' my ass back to Texas!!!