the "Talk"

[James]

Definitely a point NOT in favor of marriage. The part where it makes it harder to leave someone so you can date someone else you would rather be with.

ITs like a massive penalty clause.

Originally posted by AGDee
What I mean by that, is that if you are exclusively dating and you meet someone you want to date instead, you just break up. It isn't as if you owe it to the other person to stay with them forever. I'm divorced twice too, so obviously marriage isn't necessarily forever to me either! But you have to really work harder to get divorced than to just break up with someone.

Dee

[Kevin]

Originally posted by AGDee
What I mean by that, is that if you are exclusively dating and you meet someone you want to date instead, you just break up. It isn't as if you owe it to the other person to stay with them forever. I'm divorced twice too, so obviously marriage isn't necessarily forever to me either! But you have to really work harder to get divorced than to just break up with someone.

Dee

Consider my situation though, my name is on my lease with my girlfriend. That's committment right there

I don't forsee breaking up anytime soon, but in my opinion it's better to give the car the ol' test drive before buying it.

[Kevin]

Originally posted by James
Definitely a point NOT in favor of marriage. The part where it makes it harder to leave someone so you can date someone else you would rather be with.

ITs like a massive penalty clause.

Yup. If you marry, in my opinion, you should be as certain as possible that divorce is not an option for you. I'm working in that direction at the moment. I work in a family law practice, so I know what is involved in divorce, it's a serious pain in the ass. Especially when kids are involved.

I don't want that, so I prefer to be as certain as possible.

[AlphaFrog]

I guess I got lucky and avoided this all together...

I've only dated 1 other person since high school, and I went to the kind of high school where you didn't "just date"...you were either friends only or boyfriend/girlfriend, people didn't "see other people"

With the 1 since high school, it was never an issue because our relationship evolved from me inviting him to a party with me to him at my house every single night in a matter of about 2-3 weeks.


I can definatly see how it would be an issue though...and I don't think it's ever too late to have "the Talk"...I like the "Hey, what are we?" idea.... It gets you an answer without seeming like an ultimatum...

[AGDee]

Originally posted by James
Definitely a point NOT in favor of marriage. The part where it makes it harder to leave someone so you can date someone else you would rather be with.

ITs like a massive penalty clause.

You'll never hear me make a Pro-Marriage argument. I found it to be very oppressive. I think it's a societal scam. I see no point in it, other than financial gain (and we've had this talk before!)


Dee

[XOMichelle]

Originally posted by AGDee
I don't think these "exclusively dating" situations mean much anyway. The only real committment is marriage.

I used to think so too, and I still do to some extent. But I think it's important to practice being in a good, healthy realtionship where you are trusting and you are being trusted.

[AOII_LB93]

Originally posted by ktsnake
I actually had a "talk" saying that I refused to engage in relationship defining talk.

So far, we've been monogomous for 4 years. The 'State of the Relationship' talk -- "Where are we, where are we going" crap places undue stress on a relationship in my opinion and should be avoided at all costs.

Just go with the flow and allow the relationship to define itself.

Is this something they teach you in LEAD or the Legion of Honor...heheh my SN said the same thing 4.5 years ago. =P

And to give my .02, just make it easy and ask if he was planning on seeing other people at school or if you were going to be exclusive. I'd say he likes ya a lot since he called you the day he got back from his study abroad, but I'm a girl, and sometimes we need the Berger truth.."He's just not interested." I like the truth even though it sucks sometimes.

[Kevin]

Originally posted by AOII_LB93
Is this something they teach you in LEAD or the Legion of Honor...heheh my SN said the same thing 4.5 years ago. =P

And to give my .02, just make it easy and ask if he was planning on seeing other people at school or if you were going to be exclusive. I'd say he likes ya a lot since he called you the day he got back from his study abroad, but I'm a girl, and sometimes we need the Berger truth.."He's just not interested." I like the truth even though it sucks sometimes.

No, not in LEAD.. maybe I should write an email to the guy that writes it. They seriously need a relationships section.

It's cool though. I think there's a difference between "Where are we right now?" vs. "Where are we going?" if you catch my meaning. It's fine to ask if you're exclusive. But if you ask what the future holds ("Where are we going from here?"), you might as well call Madame Cleo. How's anyone going to know that stuff? He'll either get pissed off and call you out (which he should do) or he'll say whatever he knows will make you happy.

LEAD and the Legion of Honor had useful stuff. But I learned about what not to do in relationships from people who are in the process of becoming divorced

[AKA_Monet]

I use to believe "love the one you're with..." and "let things just happen..." Then year after year, I found myself alone on "special days"--like birthdays, Christmases, New Year's Eves and Valentines Days... And year after year, I got older...

And it always seemed that all the guys I'd "hang out with" would abandon me right before those "special days"... Or do some chit to me that would not be cool...

Basically, let me put it to you this way: When I found myself 30-something years old, alone in the hospital and the guy I was "seeing" chose not to check in on me, I made the active decision to shift my understanding to what was important to me and desire to have a stable, maritial and meaningful relationship with a MAN...

So, for me with my then man I was seeing (who is now my husband), I had to have "The Talk" with an "ultimatum"--because my health and age could no longer could sustain the stress of bullisht games. And it pissed him off initially, but, I just could not allow myself to live for 6 months with somebody and not know what the "deal" was...

My cut off time was 3 months--then I actively decided to move on... Fortunately, I did not have to, this time--the last time... And I am happy...

But your situation may be different from mine as is everyone's elses...

[HotDamnImAPhiMu]

If you're having sex, you owe it to YOURSELF to ask if you're exclusive.

You need to know because your health is involved. And if he won't tell you, leave. That's indiciative of a whole host of issues -- he's disregarding your feelings, disregarding your health, being elusive, avoiding conflict.

It's up to you how you bring it up. What works for some girls is saying, "Let me know if you start sleeping with someone else." It's not an ultimatum, it's not a requirement -- and if the guy cares about you, it's not going to be an issue.

[RedHotChiO]

That is a great point and well put.

Originally posted by HotDamnImAPhiMu
If you're having sex, you owe it to YOURSELF to ask if you're exclusive.

You need to know because your health is involved. And if he won't tell you, leave. That's indiciative of a whole host of issues -- he's disregarding your feelings, disregarding your health, being elusive, avoiding conflict.

It's up to you how you bring it up. What works for some girls is saying, "Let me know if you start sleeping with someone else." It's not an ultimatum, it's not a requirement -- and if the guy cares about you, it's not going to be an issue.

[sororitygirl2]

Originally posted by HotDamnImAPhiMu
If you're having sex, you owe it to YOURSELF to ask if you're exclusive.

You need to know because your health is involved. And if he won't tell you, leave. That's indiciative of a whole host of issues -- he's disregarding your feelings, disregarding your health, being elusive, avoiding conflict.

It's up to you how you bring it up. What works for some girls is saying, "Let me know if you start sleeping with someone else." It's not an ultimatum, it's not a requirement -- and if the guy cares about you, it's not going to be an issue.

I agree, that is the only time I believe in having "The Talk" - if sex is involved. If it's not, and we're enjoying each other's company, I just continue to enjoy his company and wait and see where it goes because I hate "The Talk" and just think it puts pressure on one or both of the people.

You can usually tell if it has become exclusive and if he is your boyfriend by the way he acts and what he says to you and his friends... This is key, sometimes his friends will say, "so how long have you two been together?" or "when's your anniversary?" and then you know he's been saying good things and that you are indeed his GF.

[texas*princess]

Like someone else said, the four words "So, what are we?", IMHO, is the easiest way to go about it.

I hate "State of the Union" addresses.. and I know my BF hates them.

When we were always together and hugging and stuff, people would say "awwwww ya'll are so cute!! How long have ya'll been together?"

And we'd both kinda go into our "history"... met in high school ... went to prom.. blah blah blah.. but neither of us said we were "together"... and one night when the 547th person asked me that, I got tired of wondering, so I jokingly asked him later on"So, what are we anyway?" And he said we were "together"... so yea... worked out just fine.

I avoid "State of the Union" addresses at all costs...just enjoy your time together... no point in being all soap-opera-like