Rush at UCSC

[wishinhopin]

So here's my deal, please bear with the oh so pitifull nature of it. Basically I'm just at a point where I feel like I have screwed up every single aspect of my life. Academically I'm all out of whack. It's like a bunch of little factors all combined in my head to become this huge issue that I can't get over. I'm already behind in reading and assignments. I haven't turned in two papers, and those are usually the things I do the best in. I haven't even been to class in two weeks- I get intimidated because I'm so behind and I feel like I can never catch up, there's a severe parking issue that means I can't park anywhere even remotely close to campus without getting a ticket, and if I park far away then I have to factor another hour into my already completely packed schedule for bus travel time. And then sorority stuff...no details I can share here, but suffice it so say that it's a rough ride and my girls and I are trying desperately to hold on to our motivation. I don't think that any organization or person is to blame, it's just a product of people not being clear on what was/is expected of them. I'm kinda re-evaluating my goals about a whole lot of things and this is definitely an area that deserves some attention. Wish I didn't have to be so vague, but am trying very hard to keep with proper protocal and yet not deny myself the advice and/or support I so desperately need right now. There's all kinds of ridiculous drama in my personal life regarding friendship and romance or lack thereof in both categories. I guess I just feel...disillusioned with my life, like nothing is going even remotely close to how I had hoped and yet there is nothing and no one to blame but myself. I'm screwing up my last year of college completely and for some reason I don't know how to fix it. On one hand it is so easy to make an appointment to talk with a professor, or do the extra reading...but on the other hand all I want to do is sleep and sit around and feel sorry for myself. I think that I don't want to grow up...I don't want to be mature and I don't want to deal with all my shit because growing up is not fun. It's difficult and stressful and I don't think I'm very good at it. I used to think I was mature, goal oriented, productive, responsible, someone who accomplishes things...but now I feel like this is a front I put up for myself and for other people, and in reality I'm just a slacker with very little to offer. I know I'm whiny and I know I'm rambling and I know that people have real problems that actually justify talking about them, but I feel like crap right now, and since this is my life then me feeling like crap is a big deal. My dad says life is a marathon, and for the college portion I just have to get my fourth wind. How do I do that? Does anyone know?

~edited b/c i was going to put this in the chit chat forum for some reason and some comments made no sense.