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The Boston Barbies
My mom sent me this a few days ago.. it's amazing how true some of these are!
Mattel announces the release of models of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls for the Boston-area market:
Newton Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Chestnut Hill Mall. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version.
Revere Barbie : This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased her beer-gutted boyfriend Ken out of her triple decker. Her make-up is dark red lipliner with your choice of lips covered in a sparkly pink or no fill-in at all. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans with assorted colored G-strings that stick out the back and a white see-through
halter-top. Accessories include: CD-player equipped with Bon Jovi and a rusty old Ford pick up.
Lexington Barbie : This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Windstar minivan. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.
Dorchester Barbie : This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy with tinted windows and her own Meth Lab kit. This model is available after dark and can be paid for only in cash. Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you're a cop. Then we don't know what you're talking about.
Brookline Barbie : This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. But you can't afford them anyway.
Billerica Barbie : This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a Harley Davidson shirt and has a tattoo of a Tweety bird on her shoulder. She has big, stiff hair, a six pack of Bud Light and a Lynard Skynard CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and can kick Mullet-haired Kenny doll's ass when she's drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get its NASCAR bumper stickers absolutely free!
Nahant Barbie : This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a
leopard-print beach outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while she entertains friends at the beach house. Percocet prescription available.
Cambridge Barbie : This doll is made of actual tofu, has long gray hair and archless feet, sandals with white socks, no makeup and a mutt. She prefers that you call her "Willow."
Dedham Barbie : This soccer mom Barbie comes with a Suburban or Minivan and comes equipped with TV, VCR and DVD player and baby car seats or boosters for the 8 kids permanently attached to the seats of the vehicle. This toddler toting Barbie comes with cell phone, pager, palm pilot, and dressed in gym clothes with Nike Air tennis shoes. Vehicle of choice comes with Jesus fish and stuffed Tiger with suction cup paws to stick on rear window.
Bumper sticker for honor roll student and Chuck E Cheese Pizza optional.
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