Fighting with an S.O....

aephi alum · #1 10-14-2003, 12:11 PM

Ever have one of those fights with your S.O. where s/he just says the same thing over and over again like a broken record?

My husband and I have been having the same fight every day for about a month...

adpishan · #2 10-14-2003, 12:12 PM

At least over six months..... niether hubby or I will budge....

James · #3 10-14-2003, 12:52 PM

I mean this affectionately: But don't argue with a man like a woman lol.

Men, real men anyway lol, are solution oriented. So if there is no solution, or the argument is really about feelings, you are in for a really rough ride. And don't back him in a corner.

Usually when people are repeating themselves they are continuing an emotional argument started long ago, maybe something that originated outside the current relationship.

But no, I have never really had an ongoing conflict like that. I am too solution oriented.

jh124 · #4 10-14-2003, 01:02 PM

Quote:

My husband and I have been having the same fight every day for about a month...

We did that for about a year. Then we went to marriage counseling. It's helped us see that we aren't going to budge in our positions, the issue we were fighting over wasn't important, and that there are many new exciting fights for us to have, if only we'd get past this first one.

Our fights do have the same cycle:

Me - it's logical
Him - you can't ever be wrong, can you?
Me - fine, you're right. Are you happy?
Him - now you're just patronizing me, and even though you say I'm right, you still *believe* that you're right. You can't ever be wrong.
Me - I give up, I want to go to bed (this usually plays out late at night)
Him - great, now we can't even resolve the issue because you're not willing to work it out

AAAACCCCCKKKKK!! Usually, we start off disagreeing about one thing and it spirals from there. Because we have our own "style" the disagreements tend to end up right back in the middle of a fight we had last week or last month. It's not healthy.

So now that I've provided TMI, are you fighting about a specific issue, or is it that your way of disagreements always brings to back to the same thing?

James - Not quite sure your analysis applies at all to DH and I.

ETA - The counseling really had helped us communicate better. We have made leaps and bounds. We did really well for about six months, and worked through some major events that were very stressful. We're just stuck in a low cycle at the moment.

aephi alum · #5 10-14-2003, 01:08 PM

I'm pretty solution-oriented myself... Therein lies the problem - my husband and I have two different solutions to the same problem, and he just keeps on and on, day in and day out, about how he's right and I'm wrong, without listening to a word I say. (Silly boy... he should know better. In a Jewish household, the wife is always right!

)

jh124 · #6 10-14-2003, 01:15 PM

Quote:

my husband and I have two different solutions to the same problem, and he just keeps on and on, day in and day out, about how he's right and I'm wrong, without listening to a word I say.

If you can afford it, try the couseling. We tried to handle things ourselves, but the resentments built up. We would get so angry we would talk over one another. It was an unhealthy cycle we couldn't get out of. The nice thing about couseling is that you have a neutral third party to point out what you both are doing wrong. Yes, it's expensive, but it has been really worth it for us.

I wish I had some good advice to give you on how to solve the problem yourself. Believe me, we tried. But different things work for different people.

One thing we had to accept (which is hard, trust me) is that while I love DH more than anyone in the world, he is not an extension of me. He does things differently. Not better, not worse, just different. I have to let it go. We didn't get married until ages 29 and 32, and we were so used to doing things for ourselves on our own, that it was/is very difficult to do things a different way. It drives him crazy that I do things my way.

The hardest thing, I imagine for you, is to be told day in, day out, that you're wrong. The resentment would really build up in me, if I were in your situation. Have you told him how that makes you feel?

aephi alum · #7 10-14-2003, 01:32 PM

We are fighting about a specific issue, namely my consulting business (or lack thereof - darn economy

). He thinks I'm going about my search for clients the wrong way, and that I should be going for certification rather than working on a project that I've been building on the side and that I plan to offer for sale (and that is *this close* to being ready).

He is right in that I will need the certification... but he wants me to drop all my other projects and focus exclusively on studying. (And I hate studying... but who doesn't?

) I, on the other hand, really want to get my product out there first, since it's so close to being ready. So I get my cert a few weeks later.

Thanks jh124

By the way... anyone need a website?

Hootie · #8 10-15-2003, 01:28 AM

uhhh! Reason #6 that I'm glad I'm not in a relationship. I can't stand the disagreements that spiral downwards. And what is worse is I see myself as a logical person and aruing with an illogical (is that the correct word) person is just tormenting