Constructive Criticism & Advice vs. Being Rude

[AKAtude]

Originally posted by Little32:
But what if they do? And it is acceptable? Then they come here and suddenly it is intolerable.
Now I am not talking about the interests who are just out and out disrespectful. You know the "you don't have anything to do with my process or my chances so I can say whatever I want", or the ones that come here to snap off because--for whatever reason--they feel wronged by your organization. (Do what you will with those.)
I refer to the ones that are new to the game, or might accidentally ask the wrong question, step on a lot of toes, and then seek only to defend themselves from the barrage of responses.
I am talking about the ones who are sincerely interested, not just seeking to start drama. Some folks just don't know, some folks don't even know how to get their foot in the door. And they come here to find out. And regardless of how "stupid" their question is, how inappropriate or arrogant, no one deserves to be treated with disrespect.
I was one of those folks and I am quite thankful for the internet. Just from coming to forums like this I have learned what I should and should not do. Much of that knowledge coming from the way that members respond to questions that I would--at one time--have been crazy enough and ill-informed enough to ask and, in sone cases, actually have asked, to people, in person. (When I did, the yound lady I was talking to was very polite in her response. She wasn't rude, dismissive, or ridiculing. And I really appreciated that.) There were many times, when I first started coming here, that I have winced when reading member responses to questions that I never knew you shouldn't ask.
Again, I understand that you are not obligated to SF's in any way shape or form, I am just trying to show you the other side of things.

I KNOW the other side of things. I was there. I wasn't born with AKA stamped across my chest. So, I haven't forgotten.

My advice for the internet has always been to observe and when in doubt, don't ask or do it by private e-mail. I have also seen sisterfriends apologize for their ignorance in advance stating they aren't sure if the question is appropriate or not. However, some people try to use the "I'm ignorant" excuse to their advantage.

What do you mean by is it acceptable? If you are referring to their attitude, no it's not whether is in cyberspace or in person.

We have well over 14,000 posts on this forum alone. I'm sure that we have touched on just about every topic imaginable. So, coming in this late in the game there is a wealth of information to be had and mistakes to learn from.

[Ms_Thang24]

I think that this a very good topic for a forum. Therefore I would like to give my input. I have been a sisterfriend for a long time now, and up until yesterday I thought that I was pretty much on my p's and q's about the does and don't of those pursuing there pearls. Just like DG posted the forum about grammatical errors, I will admit I didnt find it cute at all. I kinda felt like she was singling me out, especially by using me as an example. After reading that I immediately replied to her post because I felt like it was directed towards me. Me stating my opinion and the way that I felt, some of the members of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. felt like I was being disrespectful. I felt that I wasn't. I was only stating my thoughts. I know that some jumped down my throat immediately, and it let me with a bad taste in my mouth. I mean those comments ran through my mind all day. When I got on line this morning, I immediately apologized because I would never want to disrespect anyone or something that they represent and hold dear to their hearts. Looking at my post from all angles and someone's point of view I could see how it could be misconstued as harsh, although I didnt think so. I think that these forums have no place for rudeness on either side. It's not fair to anyone and it is getting us no where but to forum like this that we are on.

[lastpoetnsite]

much respect...

AKAtude...yes, some folx are doing some shady business on a forum (even i cannot defend VS...she was out there and thats disappointing) that could be, and in most cases has been, a good place for information. and sad to say one bad apple can and does spoil a bunch.

and you are right most people would never dare talk to someone in person the way they talk over the net. if questioned, most of those people have never even tried to approach a member in "real life".

from my experience with organizations from service to political to social that i have been interested in required me to get to know the people first as people and not as "such and such member of XYZ". my mentor in fact is a member of a HBGLO but knowing him as a human rather than letters has been the most rewarding experience of all.

no one should have to "change" who they are when answering questions...but a level of respect on both sides isn't too difficult to achieve.

peace

[AKAtude]

Originally posted by Ideal08:
I also get the feeling that people think that we are hurting for membership. Otherwise, why oh why would we change our views and our attitudes for the "dissatisfied few?" Been there done that in 1913. Ain't nothin' changed.

[AKA_Monet]

Okay lastpoetinsite-

You want to know the real reason why I get nasty with some girls that post on a board for Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc? And I can only speak for myself. Because it is easy. Maybe I am testing. Maybe I want to see their valued self worth. Maybe I want to "yank" their chain. Whatever the reason, I want to "probe" deeper into the recesses of their mind to see where they are coming from or what is really going on in there. I think we stay on this nice and fluffy surface and I choose not to live my life that way. There are some people I will never do that to. There are others that walk into it.

Usually, what sets me off is when a person bashes my Sorority, or any HBGLO sorority. Or when there are issues that come to race and racism. Or when some of the college students are having trouble defending themselves--I feel compelled to step in on their behalf because I am a lot older. Most of the time, I make jokes. However, when I have to put a person in check or as my college kids say, "holla" then I take it on. It's my choice. I can always drop out because I'm really not getting paid for my advice...

Other times, when I "push buttons" I want to really learn what's really going on. I ask, "Who is this person that is coming up in here wrecking havoc?" And personally, I didn't have a problem with chicky, VS (eh, it may be a man Soror AKAtude ). I have yet to care what some say. It doesn't pay my light bill... Sometimes, the hard, rude and ugly questions and responses have to be made. C'est la vie.

I can tell you this. And this is not even close to a joke. If you were to decide to pursue graduate school for a Ph.D., especially in science, the professors, even your major professor WILL be ugly toward you. I don't care how good you are. Just about everyone I know who has gone thru a Ph.D. program has lamented on it's difficulty. That is why there are so few people with Ph.D.'s And I havta admit, pledging Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc. helped me sooooo much to understand that aspect. Moreover, my big sister couldn't have said it clearer, "I wish I could pledge again, that was the easy part."

And when a girl decides to bash my Sorority, I guess it hurts a lot of us because of the fond memories we had as undergraduates. ('Cuz most of the bashing comes from undergraduate interests). It hurts us that someone would think so little of my Sorority and say such ugly things no matter how they qualify it, e.g. "I know this is not the whole sorority, but..." These bashers are still talking about my Sorors. I made a pledge to ALL Sorors and I have to uphold it and I take my sisterhood vows skeriously. Yes, I love my Pink and Green and my pearls!!! And it is beyond me that one does not respect that, skeriously. So, that's why I come right back, remove all the BS and go for the jugular--to either squash it or to see what the mentality is... That's just me.

[Little32]

What I mean by acceptable, is that perhaps what you perceive as attitude isn't. In the same way that we misinterpret the tone of some of the members posts, perhaps you all sometimes misinterpret the tone of ours. Also, you say that all members are different. So what seems offensive to one, is not necessarily going to be offensive to another. I have actually seen conversations to that affect; for instance, whether it is appropriate for a non member to purchase 'nalia. Some members don't care about it, while others would have a problem. The same could be said for what types of conversations certain members approve of. Some might be a bit more liberal. (I am not saying this would be the situation every time, but it could possibly be the situation.)

[Conskeeted19]

If our comments ruffle any feathers, well, THEY just might oughta think about remaining NUNPHINUN!


Sorors, yall just crack me up!

Dang AKA2D91, I wish I could do all DEM smiley THANGS!

------------------
You are the master of your own destiny!

[This message has been edited by Conskeeted19 (edited May 16, 2001).]

[Southern Cook]

As a sisterfriend, I can honestly say that no one EVER said joining Alpha Kappa Alpha would be easy. It definitely hasn't been easy for me or any of the other young ladies I know. So, for those of you SFs who can't take a few bumps, bruises, hurtful comments or words, then maybe you should try something else or it isn't your time. I tire of seeing all of the whining and crying that sometimes comes from sisterfriends on this board. Either throw a pity party and lick your wounds or suck it up and move on! There are those of us who know that for something you REALLY want, you have to toughen your exterior because you're sure to come out with a few scratches.

"What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger."

SC

P.S. My tone is one of absolute disbelief because I've held my peace for as long as I could while listening to ladies of the organization repeat the same thing.

[AKAtude]

Originally posted by Southern Cook:
As a sisterfriend, I can honestly say that no one EVER said joining Alpha Kappa Alpha would be easy. It definitely hasn't been easy for me or any of the other young ladies I know. So, for those of you SFs who can't take a few bumps, bruises, hurtful comments or words, then maybe you should try something else or it isn't your time. I tire of seeing all of the whining and crying that sometimes comes from sisterfriends on this board. Either throw a pity party and lick your wounds or suck it up and move on! There are those of us who know that for something you REALLY want, you have to toughen your exterior because you're sure to come out with a few scratches.

"What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger."

SC

P.S. My tone is one of absolute disbelief because I've held my peace for as long as I could while listening to ladies of the organization repeat the same thing.

That's right! Swallow those tears!

[lastpoetnsite]

much respect...

i appreciate all the people who have posted here. it is really good to see people just being real about being critical or what some may see as "rude".
i have another question to add to this.

although it may be understandable that those who are members of the organization can be critical...and maybe a little rude to interests (depending on how you view the post)...or as AKA_Monet said she does it in an effort to challenge interests true desire to be a member.

does it strike some of you as odd that those of you who are interests are not helping one another? if a fellow interest is "whining" about what a member has said...wouldn't it behoove you...considering you both want to be members and if accepted will be calling one another sisters...to lend a helping hand to one another in times of need. no you cannot answer some questions...but there are those who have been researching longer and possibly could help the newer ones in their journey so that they would not have to be singled out.

if interests to this board were on line together would they make it? maybe or maybe not. my mother has always said...and its been said on this board and many others...that there is no "I" when you are pledging/intake. all of you as interests are in the same boat together. how is there a show of "sisterhood" when an interest is quick to down another interest?

if i was a member of an organization the interests that put down other interests in my presence would be the ones that i would definitely not be interested in having as sisters. if you cannot help one another in the initial process of just doing research...how can you truly be unified when doing the later processes?

*disclaimer: i know that i'm not a member of any BGLO so please refrain from throwing this at me. i am just commenting not on any individual but just what i have seen in "real" life and on this board and others.*

sorry if this was too long

peace



[This message has been edited by lastpoetnsite (edited May 16, 2001).]

[AKAtude]

Lastpoet, good question!

[NYMinute]

Hello Everyone,

Though this is a public forum, my comments are directed at lastpoetinsite.

I am curious as to why you go through such pains to post such elaborate rhetoric. I visited your home page and quite frankly, it seems to me that you are one of those people who incite controversy, then turn around and accuse people of bashing you. It also seems that you have alot of emotional demons going on. I would shudder to think that the people who post on this message board are not compassionate and caring, but I sincerely doubt that you are going to find the self-acceptance you seem so desparately to need here in this forum. I am intelligent enough to enjoy good intellectual fodder, but posting on this message board, in my opinion does not fall into that category. Most of the topic discussed here are light-hearted, general and sometimes superficial.
That is not to say that the AKA's on this board are not intellectuals, quite the contrary, but I just wanna know---what is your point?
On one hand I am sympathetic to you because of your obvious discomfort with yourself, but on the other hand, I am somewhat annoyed by your dogma.
I am not a member of a BGLO, but I AM an interestee. I read this board and post occasionally because I enjoy the comraderie, but recently the fun has been syphened by top-heavy issues that seem out of place in a board dedicated to GLO's.
Sincerely,
NYMinute.

[lastpoetnsite]

much respect...

moderators now the above post from NYMinute is one that i can safely say should have been left up to an email. although my email is not listed here. if NYMinute had really read my webpage it is clearly listed there.

You are an interest NYMinute and I am not. But if I was a member you would be the first person that I would not want to call a sister. You just made some grave and widespread assumptions about me/my personality/intention and what not. I will not make any assumptions about you. Only to say if you are really interested in a discussion then you can feel free to email me.

To others: regardless of what seems to be insinuated by NYMinute's post. i am not here to divide only to discuss various topics.

Peace

[AKAtude]

NYMinute, at first I thought what you were thinking (refer back to my first post in this thread). However, Lastpoet has brought up some good points (including those from other threads).

I think the question she has posed to sisterfriends is legitimate. I was going to refrain from answering the question until others have had the chance to respond, but I guess I will do it now.

Although it hasn't happened in quite a while, I'v noticed that some sisterfriends will jump on the bandwagon and criticsize a fellow sisterfriend. I said in another thread regarding the GPA issue that I wouldn't want a LS like that. If all of you are truly interested in achieving the same goal, then help one another along the way.

If you have something critical to say, share it in an e-mail. If a sisterfriend is in your opinion "whining" or "complaining", gently let them know or leave it for a soror to do.

[BrandNubian]

Originally posted by NYMinute:
Hello Everyone,

Though this is a public forum, my comments are directed at lastpoetinsite.

I am curious as to why you go through such pains to post such elaborate rhetoric. I visited your home page and quite frankly, it seems to me that you are one of those people who incite controversy, then turn around and accuse people of bashing you. It also seems that you have alot of emotional demons going on. I would shudder to think that the people who post on this message board are not compassionate and caring, but I sincerely doubt that you are going to find the self-acceptance you seem so desparately to need here in this forum. I am intelligent enough to enjoy good intellectual fodder, but posting on this message board, in my opinion does not fall into that category. Most of the topic discussed here are light-hearted, general and sometimes superficial.
That is not to say that the AKA's on this board are not intellectuals, quite the contrary, but I just wanna know---what is your point?
On one hand I am sympathetic to you because of your obvious discomfort with yourself, but on the other hand, I am somewhat annoyed by your dogma.
I am not a member of a BGLO, but I AM an interestee. I read this board and post occasionally because I enjoy the comraderie, but recently the fun has been syphened by top-heavy issues that seem out of place in a board dedicated to GLO's.
Sincerely,
NYMinute.

NYMinute...

With all due respect, I don't think the fun has been siphoned out of the boards at all. I think it gives the forums a nice balance to have "fun" topics and "serious" ones. I, for one, enjoy reading some of the interesting questions and scenarios posted here, whether they are posted by lastpoetnsite or by anyone else, for that matter. Ain't nothin' wrong with a little intellectual stimulation.

In addition, I think that you're making a lot of negative and unfounded assumptions about lastpoetnsite based upon information you read on her website and here on the forums.

Lastly, yes, this is a public forum, one where folks are free to voice their opinions, but I think that your comments to lastpoetnsite could have been communicated through private email. No need to insult/bash anyone on post. That just creates unnecessary drama.