Quote:
Originally posted by 1savvydiva
I guess I have had a "setback" in my recovery.
I worked third shift last night and when I came home this morning I saw my exboyfriend's (our apartments are right across the street), ex-girl's car parked out front...and it had frost on it so I KNOW she spent the night.
I thought that I was doing good about the whole situation, but I have had such a hard day today. I have avoided all of my friends and family today, and I have been crying all day. I am hungry and weak but I can't bring myself to eat...I feel empty both literally and figuratively. I am tired but I can't go to sleep, and my eyes are swollen and my head hurts but I can't stop crying. I don't know why I am on here just telling all of my little worries, but i don't want to wake anyone up this late. I feel like such a punk! I just can't stop crying. I thought that I was very self-confident, but I just can't help wondering "Why wasn't I enough?", What did I do wrong that he had to cheat? I know that it's not my fault but I just can't help it. My self-esteem is shot right about now, and I never thought that a relationship/or lack of, would do that to me. I was looking in the mirror and telling myself that I love myself and that God loves me and that's what matters...that just makes me cry more. It hurts even more that he was/is my best friend, and when I am going through something...for the last year or so it's been him that's consoled me...I guess you know that saying that the only cure is a hair from the dog that bit you in the first place! I tried to get out of the house...I went to the library and to Barnes and Noble, but I had to cut off the radio and pull over when Ashanti's "Unfoolish" came on...and I don't even LIKE ashanti!!!
I guess this post makes me feel a little better, to get it off my chest...but as I type I am still crying...
I know that things will get better, but I just don't see how I am going to get over this and not be bitter. I know he's not over there thinking about me. They are probably over there rolling around on the mattress I BOUGHT!!!! Ya'll he better be glad I am just sad and not crazy! A crazy heffa would have gone over there and slashed her tires...(that would just prolong her stay ), and I can't be mad at her anyway.
Ya'll just pray for me...a sista is having a bad time over here tonight...and I know my face is going to hurt from all this crying tomorrow.
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Ok, I have a killer headache, but I'm going to try and respond to this point by point as best I can.
First of all, we all have setbacks. Stop being so hard on yourself. You ARE human, and you do have emotions. Feel them. Cry all night, so? The more tears you allow yourself to shed now, they less you'll shed later. You're not a punk. You have a broken heart, and that isht hurts.
Stop avoiding your friends and family. You want the asshole that hurt you to console you, when he is clearly not the one in your life who cares the most for you. Remind yourself of why you aren't with him in the first place. Your friends and family were there before him, and will continue to be there now that he's gone. Isolation is NOT the cure for hurt and loneliness, believe me. Call your best girlfriend and get this sh!t out. Sit up, eat some ol' fattening isht with your girl, bash men, whatever. Have a waiting to exhale moment! You said in your post, he is not over there thinking about you!! So don't sit there and wallow in your self pity. What did I tell you about pity parties?
Oh, the classic, Why Wasn't I Enough feeling. Girl, I have been there. Ain't nothin' wrong with you. But you won't realize that until you are over this crap. What's happening now is that you are valuing his opinion of you over your own. Now, why would you do that? YOUR opinion of yourSELF should matter over EVERYONE else's. I tell my girls this all the time. F*** what he thinks, cuz he ain't that important. Your self-esteem is shot? So was mine. You ain't goin' thru nothin' any of us on this board haven't been thru. Do what makes you feel pretty. Standing in front of the mirror while you are crying and puffy won't work!
So give yourself a pedicure. Read a book. Go see a movie WITH yourself. HANG OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS. Read a book. Rent a movie and have some 1SD time. Light some candles and take a long hot bath. Read a book. Exercise. (Exercise releases endorphines. Endorphines make people happy. Happy people don't kill their husbands. They just don't. Oh, I'm sorry. I had a Legally Blonde moment.
) My point is, DO YOU. F*** HIM.
I was JUST thinking when I woke up this morning how I don't long to talk to the ex anymore. I remember during our FIRST break up (that should have simply been THE breakup), my very wise LS told me something that I remember to this day. She said that one day I would wonder why I was with him in the first place, and that I would be disgusted by him. That day has come and gone. And ever since that day, I've not wanted to talk to him about ANYTHING. I'm not mad anymore and I don't hurt anymore. It's been 7 months, 1SD. I wasn't crying every day for 7 months, but that's how long it took me to realize that he was not at all what God has planned for me. Before, I had started to compare myself to his new girlfriend. For what? She can't get with me (on any level), and that's the real. But instead of realizing that before, I was trying to figure out how to be meek. How to be more accomodating to men so that I didn't come off as intimidating. How to appear needy. Well, WTF? I'm not meek and I'm not needy and I'm not going to be. So I realized that I am not the woman for him because of the strength and courage that I possess. I don't know why you aren't the woman for ol' dude, but you'll realize it in time.
I didn't go thru this by myself, either. I depended on the strength of CT4 and the wise counsel of dirtymike1906. (Shout-outs!!
) Not to mention the long talks with girlfriends and sorors (OCOT!!) who kept me out of the ground.
I'm not sure what to say about the bitter part, cuz I think I might be bitter. I know that I am not trusting anymore, and that I have to work on. It's hard to not be bitter. I am finally ready to date and go out. I am ready to have FUN. 1SD, there is a whole life out there waiting for you, and it's not filled with tears. I KNOW it hurts now, believe me. But it won't last always. Remember, this too shall pass. So feel what you are feeling, and don't put on masks or pretend like you're ok. Feel it now, get it out, so you will be ready to move on when the time comes.
I am praying for you.
***EDIT*** MAKE SURE YOU EAT!!!! If it is just a salad, MAKE SURE YOU EAT!!!! Don't be over there gettin' sick behind this mofo. EAT SOMETHING RIGHT NOW!! Are you still reading? Cuz you should be leaving the computer at this VERY moment to get something to eat. GO EAT!
Hybrid Mode
