Are Black Women Scaring Off Black Men

[MasonsInquiries]

Originally Posted by I.A.S.K.

IBTL,

The two questions posed are deceptive in that they are entirely different from person to person. Gender roles and the measure of a man/woman are assigned by the two people that make up that particular black couple. There is no true model couple for this.

As for the content of the article I can only speak from my experience:
I know many a black woman who is in the church, and an organizer, and a career woman and I know women who are each of these separately and a whole host of other types of black women. I know plenty who are married and plenty who are single.
The thing is no two are alike. They're all different and thus their martial status can not be generalized. Among those that I know there are some shared beliefs and facts.
Some of the facts:
As black women advance (educationally and career wise) we statistically lower our chances of finding a suitable partner
We prefer black men to any other race
More than 50% of black children are currently being raised by single mothers
We are career oriented

Based on these facts many women I know have come up with some shared beliefs:
About ourselves:
1.We do not want to be another statistic and will do as much as possible to prevent this from happening.
2.We have high expectations of ourselves and those around us.
3.We want stability.
4.We work hard.
5.We don't ask for anything that we aren't willing to give.
About Men:
1.We expect for our men to be providers.
2.We expect our men to match us- My best friend wont even have a conversation with a guy if he is not a college student or college graduate (or college bound/inclined she understands that school isn't cheap). She feels like if he isn't in school then he's not doing enough with his life to match what she is doing and wants to do with hers.
3.We expect STABILITY. this is by far THE most important thing for most of the women I know. The point in a relationship is to provide support and love for one another. As black women, we look for a sense of "home" or someone and something that will always be there for us no matter what is going on in life. Unfortunately this in many of our lives is something we've never been able to find in black men. Starting with the men in our early lives. More than anything else we want for our men to understand who and what we are and we want them to be our rock. We expect financial stability as well.
4.We expect unyielding loyalty.
5.We expect love and protection.

From my own personal experience I can say that there is some validity to the statement that "a fighting spirit is important, but not at home."
I find myself in situations where I am fighting and arguing and I wonder why does it take this much? Why am I pushing myself and getting upset over issues that should be handled cordially? Am I pushing too hard? Can't I just let it go? Even when my b/f wants to just leave the subject alone I don't. I find it is more important to reach an understanding on a subject than it is to keep the peace because ultimately the conversation is going to happen again and until we reach understanding it will be an obstacle.
Two main issues for me are:
1.I have found that most men (even mine) cannot handle dealing with someone who is extremely driven, outspoken, strong willed, and dominant. It is not a good or bad thing it just is. I know myself and I know that what makes me successful in business, school, and a great many aspects of my life is the fact that I am ferociously determined to achieve whatever goal I set and I am unyielding in doing so. I know that I do not have to be this way all of the time, but being dominant at work and not so at home is a delicate balancing act. One that I would prefer not to have to perform. If a man can't handle me being my blunt, determined, and strong willed self all the time then he's not the one for me. I am not opposed to compromise. I think it's great, but some things I will not compromise on and this is one of them. So as for me any man who wants to be with me can get with the program or K.I.M. Does this attitude of mine (one that many black women share) "scare" black men away? Nope. Most of them were raised by a woman with a similar attitude so they're used to it. Which leads me to #2.

2.Black men and women do not successfully COMMUNICATE. Even in asking if black men are being scared away by black women the basis of the question is "Do black me fear black women?" and you only fear what you don't understand. Thus the correct question would be "Are black women making it too difficult for black men to communicate with and understand them?" Now, that is a question with merit and worth actually answering. Communication between two parties is much more difficult than most people believe. There's the verbal, non-verbal, and the never expressed thoughts that make conversation difficult. Even in being as outspoken as I am I find that there are a great many things that I don't say. Being considerate of other's feelings, not wanting to delve deeply in to certain subjects, fear, lack of trust and many other obstacles prevent communication. Until black men and black women learn how to constructively communicate among each other there will always be fear and there will be a state of broken-ness in the black couple, family, and community.


*To take a realistic look at why black women are not getting married and why black men seem to be running away from black women the many external factors that impact relationships must be analyzed. The issue I have with articles (and even books) like these is that they do not fully consider all of the forces that impact the black couple. To truly analyze this would take more space than a message board could provide.

{applauding}

well-said.

[PrettyBoy]

That was funny, but anyway while I'm in the DST forum I just wanted say happy birthday to ladygreek. Happy Birthday LG.

[libramunoz]

This subject is as tired as they come!

A brother posted this on my college's alumni website before and the answer is quite simple, it's no!
You can only be scared if you scare yourself.
You need to know who you are and what you are about before you are willing and capable of stepping up to somebody and asking them to consider to date you, much less even think of "go with" you or even marry you.
It has nothing to do with being a Black woman or man, it's about being able to know who you are and what you are/aren't willing to put up with.
Everything is constantly pointed out at how "sista's" are and act like such and such. However, why don't people look at it from the other side of the spectrum. What is a "brotha" acting like or what what is a "brotha" about.
It goes back to the old saying, when you're pointing one finger, there are three pointing right back at you.
Whomever came up with this article was half-cocked and half-thinking to begin with. It sounded like a personal question that they wanted to make a public battle. However, it needs to be looked at why the need to air your personal and private battles?
If a person doesn't want to date a Black woman, fine and good, because there is surely someone else who wants to date them. If a person has a problem with a "sista's" attitude, they should look at the attitude that is constantly given to the sista first. If a person doesn't want to deal with a "woman of color's" behavior, they need to look at what their behavior is first.
This article verges on stupid and inane and should have never been posted, printed, or written to begin with.
If you don't know who you are and what you are willing to bring to another person's table, then YOU, yes you need to keep it going.
If you don't know what you are/aren't willing to put up with in a relationship, then YOU, yes you, need to re-examine your values and define who you are as a person.
If you don't want to "date/go with" a woman that is Black or "acts Black" then do like they do it on Soul Train, keep the line moving, because YOU aren't the ONLY person in the world!
Sisters are who they are, people are who they are, and yes, we all have quirks, annoyances, and behaviors that we can/could/should/would re-examine, but life continues to keep one moving.

[MasonsInquiries]

my think is this.....what's with the insults? i have apologized for anythiing i said that offended anyone (i have no idea why, but i did....lol). and another thing......if you would've actually read my post, it states "the majority of black women that I HAVE EVER COME ACROSS". it doesn't say "MAJORITY OF BLACK WOMEN, IN GENERAL". my experiences are what they are, and the truth is the truth.what in the world?

[DaemonSeid]

I am so glad that MasonsInquiries isn't allowed to speak for all Black men out there.

Just reading the first thing you posted in this thread you sound like a bitter person who is jaded and have your own issues to work out about relationships and probably expresses them THROUGH your relationship which leads you to not HAVE a healthy relationship which is why you are posting the eff'ed up opinions on this board.

That you are married is a surprise to me.

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

I am so glad that MasonsInquiries isn't allowed to speak for all Black men out there.

That's a task reserved for the Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

That's a task reserved for the Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.

OUCH!

[MasonsInquiries]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

That's a task reserved for the Revs. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson.

lol...they can have that job! truly!

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by MasonsInquiries

lol...they can have that job! truly!

I'm doing an OK job repping myself, so the Revs can suck it lol

[DrPhil]

As I always say, the common denominator in all the company you keep is YOU.

[dreamseeker]

*eats popcorn*

[knight_shadow]

^^^ Pushing up on Xanthus territory as far as giving out too much info is concerned.

Does anyone here really care about his marriage?

[MasonsInquiries]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

^^^ Pushing up on Xanthus territory as far as giving out too much info is concerned.

Does anyone here really care about his marriage?

since he brought it up, i decided to address it. it's not like you'll ever see me handsome face, know my wonderful personality, or know where i work.

truthfully, does anyone care about you? you're just speaking merely for laughs, which (by the way), i'm doing right now reading your stupid comment. lol

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by MasonsInquiries

since he brought it up, i decided to address it. it's not like you'll ever see me handsome face, know my wonderful personality, or know where i work.

truthfully, does anyone care about you? you're just speaking merely for laughs, which (by the way), i'm doing right now reading your stupid coment. lol

Not my concern altho I know one or 2 here who genuinely do.

as for 'coments' and laughing be forewarned that it goes both ways.

Except, more might be laughing at yours...

So look, I don't have time to play around tonight trading barbs with a 'misunderstood' misogynist. So either say something meaningful or go find another thread to play in.

[MasonsInquiries]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

Not my concern altho I know one or 2 here who genuinely do.

as for 'coments' and laughing be forewarned that it goes both ways.

Except, more might be laughing at yours...

So look, I don't have time to play around tonight trading barbs with a 'misunderstood' misogynist. So either say something meaningful or go find another thread to play in.

yeah, go to sleep & get off your soapbox. that'll do the trick! ya' sound a bit cranky there!

nyt, buddy! lol