Worst Wedding You've Ever Attended

[lake]

My friend (let’s call him “Ron”) was getting married for the second time (it was the bride’s second marriage too), and I twisted my sister’s arm to go with me. She didn’t want to because she doesn’t really know Ron and doesn’t like the bride (a moody, snotty, beyotch). I promised my sister it would be worth her time, and I was right! She and I started writing down everything that happened as soon as we left the ceremony so we wouldn’t forget all the crazy, trashy things that happened. Some highlights:

All the invitations were issued on Facebook.

My sister and I were the first people to be seated in the church, even though we were running late and arrived shortly before the ceremony was supposed to start.

All the groomsmen and ushers wore jeans.

My first impression (and my sister’s) of the pastor was, "Who's that scraggly-looking dude lurking around the altar?"

The groom was standing at the altar and the wedding party was getting ready to march in when one of the bridesmaids yelled, “Hey Ron! You need to walk your mom down the aisle!” So he left the altar and walked his mom (and himself, again) down the aisle.

It was rumored that the bride and groom were going to walk down the aisle together to heavy metal music, instead of more traditional music (they did not, thankfully).

The pastor wore trucker's chains (no lie).

The words "willing bodies" were in the vows (Eww).

The words "because I drive you crazy" were in the vows (Okayy…).

As they were beginning the ring exchange, the bride and groom realized the rings had been left in the car, and someone had to be sent from the church to retrieve them while everyone waited.

The guy sitting next to me played Scrabble on his iPhone throughout the ceremony.

The Beatles song "I Want to Hold Your Hand" was sung slowly and formally, like a solemn hymn or something.

The bride's son's biological dad was his mom's new husband. (While the bride had been married to her first husband, about 20 years prior, she had an affair with my friend Ron, had his son, and passed him off as her first husband’s child).

My sister was laughing so hard by the end of the ceremony that I had to whisper to her through gritted teeth, "Not a word out of your mouth until we get to the car!"

The pastor showed up at the bar next door to the church after the ceremony to celebrate with the wedding party.

Almost everyone at the reception said they only gave it a year before the couple divorced (they lasted about two years).

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by lake

The bride's son's biological dad was his mom's new husband. (While the bride had been married to her first husband, about 20 years prior, she had an affair with my friend Ron, had his son, and passed him off as her first husband’s child).

I'm only here to say that I'm completely confused by this entire paragraph

[Cheerio]

Originally Posted by lake

All the groomsmen and ushers wore jeans.

One of my sweet cousins was once engaged to a man who thought this type of casual clothing was equally good for the bride and groom! She broke her engagement to that man, became five years wiser, and then married a very nice man.

Her wedding to the nice man was unusual in a few ways. After the processional music swelled and we stood and turned to watch her walk down the aisle, she (standing with her father) froze in place for several minutes. Thankfully the music kept playing. During the ceremony, the priest kept referring to the groom by the groom's brother's name (it turned out the priest was drunk).

One unfortunate thing about their wedding reception was the venue. It had no air conditioning on a humid, 95 degree day. It also featured a very very tiny ten foot by ten foot wooden dance floor. Since the reception began at 6pm, and the bride and groom didn't take their first dance until 1045 pm, no one else got to dance for five hours.

In addition, their wedding planner had guests stand in a very long line and INDIVIDUALLY receive their dinner table assignment. She didn't want guests switching table cards and deciding on their own where they wanted to sit for dinner, since it was a small venue with limited seating. It's surprising the planner didn't visit every table during the meal/dessert and check whether any guest DARED to switch their assigned seat!

[Cheerio]

Originally Posted by lake

The Beatles song "I Want to Hold Your Hand" was sung slowly and formally, like a solemn hymn or something.

Beatles tunes are timeless and classic, so one might expect a Beatles tune or three will pop-up within the formal wedding ceremonies of our great-great-great grandchildren.

[carnation]

My younger sister said she really felt like a geezer when she was in an elevator in the 80s and "I Want to Hold Your Hand" was playing soulfully and beautifully. Violins, etc.

[honeychile]

LOL! The only reason we didn't have a Beatles song (or two) at our wedding is that secular music is discouraged during the service. I had actually considered the Beach Boys' God Only Knows.

[JonInKC]

Originally Posted by honeychile

LOL! The only reason we didn't have a Beatles song (or two) at our wedding is that secular music is discouraged during the service. I had actually considered the Beach Boys' God Only Knows.

We had a recording of Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters" performed by a string quartet played at our wedding. The people my age (I'm now mid 40s) and younger got it, but it just went over the heads of our parents and grandparents.