Something needs to change

[irishpipes]

Originally Posted by 33girl

First off: if you can't afford the most expensive chapter, you shouldn't rush. Also know that different chapters handle financial matters differently. Some have one big fee that covers everything, some have individual fees for formal and such.

As far as RFM being the bad guy...say girls could drop whoever they want. Eventually sororities would close because of low numbers. There would be fewer and fewer groups until there were 3 chapters of 1000 or something ridiculous.

And you know what? A lot of those girls would have probably ended up in the same place even WITHOUT RFM. The difference is, they would have been strung along until pref night by a sorority that in reality they had zero chance of being asked to join. If you find that preferable, we can get rid of RFM tomorrow.

I think the bolded is ridiculous. If a PNM could afford, say, 9 of the 10 chapters, why not rush? Odds are she won't end up in the expensive one. If she does, she can cross that bridge when she gets there.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by irishpipes

I think the bolded is ridiculous. If a PNM could afford, say, 9 of the 10 chapters, why not rush? Odds are she won't end up in the expensive one. If she does, she can cross that bridge when she gets there.

You can say up and down that you won't fall in love with the costliest chapter, but what if you do, and it's mutual, and you get a bid only to have to drop out because you can't afford it?

And too, it's not always the most popular/oldest-most established/biggest house chapter that ends up being the costliest.

IMO this is the kind of "it'll never happen to me" that does happen. If that makes me overly cautious, so be it.

Eta: And if for some reason the costs are not on the website or somewhere easily accessible, get on the horn to the Greek life office and ask. BEFORE rush week.

[thetalady]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Eta: And if for some reason the costs are not on the website or somewhere easily accessible, get on the horn to the Greek life office and ask. BEFORE rush week.

The costs are published on the Ole Miss web site well in advance. It is given as a range, and no costs are listed specifically per chapter. Why? Because some chapters choose to report only the bare minimum, without disclosing additional costs that are required during the year. Some costs, like formals, event T shirts, and pictures are all considered optional in some chapters, not in others.

From the Ole Miss Panhellenic FAQ:

Why is it so expensive to join a sorority? Where is the money going?

Sororities have provided their financial obligations in ranges. Please note the following: These are only ranges and may not include all associated costs for each sorority. Dues are subject to change. As prospective members, students need to talk with active members during recruitment events to learn more, especially when payments are due following Bid Day.

In House Member Dues Per Semester $2,900-$4,300
Out of House Member Dues Per Semester $1,550-$2,200
New Member Dues: Fall Semester $1,240-$2,500
New Member Dues: Spring Semester $1,530-$2,200

[NerdyGreek]

Originally Posted by thetalady

Sororities have provided their financial obligations in ranges. Please note the following: These are only ranges and may not include all associated costs for each sorority. Dues are subject to change. As prospective members, students need to talk with active members during recruitment events to learn more, especially when payments are due following Bid Day.

One of the issues is that they don't fully disclose costs during recruitment. PNMs are prohibited from talking to members outside of rush, and they're not getting the information during the parties either.

I felt a connection to my sorority when I pledged. While I wasn't best friends with all of my sisters (and downright despised one of them), I was close with many, many of them. These are women that I still see and consider my friends. My daughter doesn't see those same bonds of sisterhood among even the upperclassmen. One of the sisters told her she loves hanging out at the house because she's always meeting new sisters she hasn't met before, which she didn't think sounded like such a good thing. How can you consider it a sisterhood when you haven't even met everyone?!

Maybe the issue is mega chapters that are bigger than a lot of high school graduating classes. I found "my people" in my graduating class, but despite sharing a lot of common experiences, I feel absolutely no connection to all the other graduates of my high school the same year. It starts to feel like random groups of people put together.

[thetalady]

Originally Posted by NerdyGreek

One of the issues is that they don't fully disclose costs during recruitment. PNMs are prohibited from talking to members outside of rush, and they're not getting the information during the parties either.

I felt a connection to my sorority when I pledged. While I wasn't best friends with all of my sisters (and downright despised one of them), I was close with many, many of them. These are women that I still see and consider my friends. My daughter doesn't see those same bonds of sisterhood among even the upperclassmen. One of the sisters told her she loves hanging out at the house because she's always meeting new sisters she hasn't met before, which she didn't think sounded like such a good thing. How can you consider it a sisterhood when you haven't even met everyone?!

Maybe the issue is mega chapters that are bigger than a lot of high school graduating classes. I found "my people" in my graduating class, but despite sharing a lot of common experiences, I feel absolutely no connection to all the other graduates of my high school the same year. It starts to feel like random groups of people put together.

The information on costs is available BEFORE recruitment. No need to wait & wonder during recruitment.

Of course she doesn't feel a sisterhood yet. Of course, she hasn't officially met everyone yet. IT HAS BEEN ONE WEEK, for God's sake. She knows next to nothing about those girls. She has no idea what their relationships are. If she is not willing to give it some time and put in some effort, then perhaps sorority membership is not the right place for her.

[TriDeltaSallie]

Originally Posted by NerdyGreek

I felt a connection to my sorority when I pledged. While I wasn't best friends with all of my sisters (and downright despised one of them), I was close with many, many of them. These are women that I still see and consider my friends. My daughter doesn't see those same bonds of sisterhood among even the upperclassmen. One of the sisters told her she loves hanging out at the house because she's always meeting new sisters she hasn't met before, which she didn't think sounded like such a good thing. How can you consider it a sisterhood when you haven't even met everyone?!

Maybe the issue is mega chapters that are bigger than a lot of high school graduating classes. I found "my people" in my graduating class, but despite sharing a lot of common experiences, I feel absolutely no connection to all the other graduates of my high school the same year. It starts to feel like random groups of people put together.

I don't have any experience with being in a large SEC-type chapter. My entire chapter was the size of one pledge class there. Personally, I would not find the huge chapters to my liking at all, but that's because I like smaller and more manageable things. It's the same reason I would never attend a large church with multiple services or live in a big city. It feels incredibly impersonal to me. So in that sense, even though people will say you can find your people in a large sorority (and that is probably true enough), it doesn't mean that's the best fit for everyone.

Your daughter has to decide what's most important to her. If she likes her school and she wants to be Greek, then she needs to get on with it and make the most of the chapter she's in. If she wants a different Greek experience and she can find that at a different school with a smaller Greek system, then that's fine too. She can transfer and rush again next year.

I do disagree with the idea that a sorority is just a club. Clubs generally don't live together, etc. A positive sorority experience can make a big difference in a person's college experience. It did for me.

And I'll also say this. Those fees are ridiculous. I'm glad ours were reasonable or I would have missed out on sorority life.

[TXDG]

Originally Posted by NerdyGreek

I felt a connection to my sorority when I pledged. While I wasn't best friends with all of my sisters (and downright despised one of them), I was close with many, many of them. These are women that I still see and consider my friends. My daughter doesn't see those same bonds of sisterhood among even the upperclassmen. One of the sisters told her she loves hanging out at the house because she's always meeting new sisters she hasn't met before, which she didn't think sounded like such a good thing. How can you consider it a sisterhood when you haven't even met everyone?!

Maybe the issue is mega chapters that are bigger than a lot of high school graduating classes. I found "my people" in my graduating class, but despite sharing a lot of common experiences, I feel absolutely no connection to all the other graduates of my high school the same year. It starts to feel like random groups of people put together.

Several thoughts while reading your posts:

1. I'm struggling with how you and your daughter are SO surprised by the dynamics within a 400+ member chapter. It's easy to find the new member class sizes over the past few years for her campus so why did either of you have the expectation that 1) she would instantly bond with her whole 100-180 member pledge class and that 2) all 400 women in the chapter would be bff's. Her sorority experience in a 400 member chapter is going to be completely different than whatever shall chapter you were part of in college.

2. Because the chapters are so large, there really isn't a "stereotype" for each chapter like the campus you attended. Even chapters that are "known" for "only" pledging girls from certain Mississippi towns or high schools now have 50% out of state members. That's why we say if you can't find a group of 10 girls to be bff's with in a pledge class of 100-180 women, it's your problem, not theirs. There are literally all kinds of women in each pledge class - partiers, academics, sporty, artistic, cheerleaders, philanthropists, Southerners, Northerners, etc. Your daughter just needs to put herself out there if she wants to have friends in her chapter.

FWIW, I was president of my large (not Ole Miss) chapter and even with 250 members, there were girls whose names I didn't know. If I looked at my 70ish member pledge class Bid Day picture today, I bet I would have trouble recalling the names of about 20 girls. That doesn't take away from the tribe of bff's I made in my chapter, my lil sis who I'm still close to, and the years of memories I made living in the house. It's just life in a big chapter.

3. Honestly, I think the upperclassmen are being truthful saying it's not always "love at first sight" on Bid Day. Rush week is very emotional and often PNM's feel a connection to chapters they don't end up in - that's because those chapters are exceptionally good at what they do, making every girl want to wear their letters. At the end of the day, the women in those chapter(s) felt other pnms were a better fit for their sisterhood than your daughter. That stings, but it's life. Every pnm at OM is practically perfect - grades, awards, social, gorgeous, etc. There is really no difference in the "quality" of women from one chapter to the next.

Unless you pledge a chapter where 20 upperclassmen and 5 of your pledge sisters were all on your hometown drill team, most new members - in ALL houses- feel anxious and unsure. They are starting to realize the upperclassmen won't be fawning all over them anymore (you know, because they have lives and midterms and other activities) and they really don't know anyone in their pledge class. That's where the real work begins. I'm sure your daughter didn't show up to kindergarten or 9th grade with a tribe of built-in bff's and sorority life is no different. It takes time, effort, and shared experiences to build those life-long friendship bonds. It's up to her whether she's up for the task.