What to tell overconfident PNMs

[MaryPoppins]

Originally Posted by Jen

I think they've gone so overboard PC in trying to make it look like everyone gets a trophy that they set up totally unrealistic expectations for the PNMs. I still think we should go back to calling it rush, to saying "the sororities are choosing you" and being honest about how it all works.

^^^ This would be for the best understanding by the PNMs and their families which is why it won't happen.

[violetsnlions]

I have also been thinking a lot about this topic this past weekend after seeing an HBO special about trophies and youth sports. I used to think the "everybody gets a trophy" thing was hyperbole, but apparently it is common. I'm in my mid-30's, and it wasn't the case when I was a kid. I now have kids of my own, but they aren't at the age where they are playing organized sports.

I have encountered a few PNMs who are over-confident, and plenty who are grounded in reality. I recently met a young woman who had done pageants all through high school, but had never won a pageant. When I talked with her about bracing for disappointments (she is attending a large SEC school), she said that she had no illusions about the fact that she WILL (not might) be cut and she had learned how to handle disappointment because of her pageant experience. She stated that she thinks recruitment will be a lot like pageants -- lots of attractive, well qualified, involved and well spoken girls, but only one gets first.

I've never been a huge fan of pageants, but the way she talked, it made me think of it in a whole different light. This was a young woman who knows she is talented, but has the self-awareness to know she isn't the best -- a stark contrast to some girls I'd met. Then, this last weekend I saw this Real Sports talking about our "trophy nation" and how giving kids continual medals for being last is actually harmful to their brains and neurological reward system.

It made me realize that recruitment for some young women might be the first time in their life they experience real disappointment -- and the coddling and praise some girls and teens get from parents and teachers make them very ill prepared for the realities of recruitment. People are often quick to judge the recruitment system and process, but it just made me wonder, what kind of message does it send if we give this illusion that it is truly mutual selection? Perhaps it should be rephrased at "Primary/Secondary" selection -- meaning sororites get to make the primary selection, and a PNM makes the secondary selection, IF she has multiple selections.

http://www.mensjournal.com/adventure/races-sports/how-participation-trophies-are-making-our-kids-soft-20150725

[33girl]

I think that the phrase mutual selection is correct at some recruitments, and those recruitments are often the ones where the pool of rushees is made up mostly of what are called maybe joiners. In that case I think it's a good thing to say, and alleviates rushees' fears that they might end up somewhere or in something they don't want.

There have always been girls who were "miss everything" at their hs and got to rush and didn't get what they wanted.

[33girl]

What slays me the most about this generation is how the kids are perfectly OK with their parents calling and complaining about them not getting into this or that Group, bad grades, etc. I was very sheltered and closer to my parents than most kids of my generation, but if my mother would have said anything to anyone asking why I didn't get in to a certain sorority's pref party, I would have been MORTIFIED and wanted to quit school.

[violetsnlions]

Originally Posted by 33girl

What slays me the most about this generation is how the kids are perfectly OK with their parents calling and complaining about them not getting into this or that Group, bad grades, etc. I was very sheltered and closer to my parents than most kids of my generation, but if my mother would have said anything to anyone asking why I didn't get in to a certain sorority's pref party, I would have been MORTIFIED and wanted to quit school.

Agreed.... I feel second-hand embarrassment for both parents and kids when I see parents going where they have no business going. Some of the outspokenness I've seen from alums about their disappointments about their legacy being cut ON NATIONAL FB pages is sooooooo cringe-worthy to me. If my mom had ever done that I'd throw her phone and computer in a lake.

[LAblondeGPhi]

Originally Posted by violetsnlions

I have also been thinking a lot about this topic this past weekend after seeing an HBO special about trophies and youth sports. I used to think the "everybody gets a trophy" thing was hyperbole, but apparently it is common. I'm in my mid-30's, and it wasn't the case when I was a kid. I now have kids of my own, but they aren't at the age where they are playing organized sports.

I have encountered a few PNMs who are over-confident, and plenty who are grounded in reality. I recently met a young woman who had done pageants all through high school, but had never won a pageant. When I talked with her about bracing for disappointments (she is attending a large SEC school), she said that she had no illusions about the fact that she WILL (not might) be cut and she had learned how to handle disappointment because of her pageant experience. She stated that she thinks recruitment will be a lot like pageants -- lots of attractive, well qualified, involved and well spoken girls, but only one gets first.

I've never been a huge fan of pageants, but the way she talked, it made me think of it in a whole different light. This was a young woman who knows she is talented, but has the self-awareness to know she isn't the best -- a stark contrast to some girls I'd met. Then, this last weekend I saw this Real Sports talking about our "trophy nation" and how giving kids continual medals for being last is actually harmful to their brains and neurological reward system.

It made me realize that recruitment for some young women might be the first time in their life they experience real disappointment -- and the coddling and praise some girls and teens get from parents and teachers make them very ill prepared for the realities of recruitment. People are often quick to judge the recruitment system and process, but it just made me wonder, what kind of message does it send if we give this illusion that it is truly mutual selection? Perhaps it should be rephrased at "Primary/Secondary" selection -- meaning sororites get to make the primary selection, and a PNM makes the secondary selection, IF she has multiple selections.

http://www.mensjournal.com/adventure/races-sports/how-participation-trophies-are-making-our-kids-soft-20150725

So many good points here.

I do kind of like the primary/secondary selection thing, but it's just not as catchy a phrase. I wonder if part of the solution to the mutual selection messaging is to emphasize the competition among PNMs. During orientation, point out that each sorority will only get to take a quota's worth of girls, and then make that really clear to the girls.

To use Alabama 2014 as an example: of the 2,276 women registered, quota is expected to be about 120. That means that YOUR favorite chapter can only bid about 5% of the PNMs. Same with your second favorite, and your third favorite. With those numbers, keep in mind that it can be much easier for YOU to decide the order that you prefer the 17 chapters, but it is extremely difficult for the chapters to decide which women they will invite back each day.

Just like college admissions, this is a numbers game: keep an open mind for all of the chapters, and you will find a home. If you have your sights set only on Harvard, Stanford and Yale, then you have to accept the risk that you may not get into any college at all.

[amIblue?]

Originally Posted by carnation

This year, I know of 5 PNMs who claim that they won't be getting recs for SEC rush, something along the lines of "if they don't like me for who I am, I don't want to belong". Um, we're talking about 2 different things here. Move along.

All I can say to that is bless their hearts.

Originally Posted by 33girl

What slays me the most about this generation is how the kids are perfectly OK with their parents calling and complaining about them not getting into this or that Group, bad grades, etc. I was very sheltered and closer to my parents than most kids of my generation, but if my mother would have said anything to anyone asking why I didn't get in to a certain sorority's pref party, I would have been MORTIFIED and wanted to quit school.

I would have dropped out and started over again at another school never to be seen or heard from again had my mother done something like that. I might also have possibly considered changing my name.

[Bamamom16]

I so agree LAblondeGPhi. Also, keep in mind that at a recruitment as large as Alabama's (once again record numbers), the number of legacies for each chapter more than meets quota, so there will be many disappointments. I have begun to cringe at the number of recent FaceBook posts recently seeking recs for PNMs. My daughter's chapter at Alabama stopped accepting them on 7/15. It's a bit late in the game now to be looking for recs for many larger SEC competitive recruitment schools who have an early fall recruitment.

[violetsnlions]

Originally Posted by LAblondeGPhi

Just like college admissions, this is a numbers game: keep an open mind for all of the chapters, and you will find a home. If you have your sights set only on Harvard, Stanford and Yale, then you have to accept the risk that you may not get into any college at all.

It is exactly like college admissions, just at a much faster pace.

I think the adjective I would use instead of mutual is layered.

The first layer of decisions is made by the sorority, and the second layer of decisions is made by the PNM.