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Start by contacting your Greek Life office and find out what protocol is. Depending on your school they may have a registration process and then you won't need to send any emails. But in any case, I'd seek local counsel on this one. Your email sounds bad to me, but to a 20 year old rush chairman, maybe it won't. If you have any friends who are in fraternities at your school, ask them what you should be doing. And if you can get advice from 2 or 3 different fraternity guys, it would be better, since ABC fraternity might go about getting their invitation list together much differently than DEF does. Your Greek system might have a Facebook page. Hopefully they have information for you. Your university's website also probably has from a little to a ton of information available to you.
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"Traveling - It leaves you speechless, then turns you into a storyteller. ~ Ibn Battuta
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