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What does Phi Mu mean to you?
Reptar626, I wish you had posed this question to Phi Mu's before you deactivated. I have been a Phi Mu for many years -- more years than you have been alive. I could write about what membership has meant to me, and which aspects have played key roles in different seasons of life. None of that will make you feel better about your decision, though, and I get the sense that is at least some of what you are looking for.
I was very active as a collegiate member and remain so many years later as an alum, not just with Phi Mu but in activities that embrace alumnae from the entire Panhellenic community. Yet, as DeltaBetaBaby said, it isn't my entire life, but only one facet of it. You describe your school as a small one with a large Greek presence. In such an environment, I can see where you might feel that being in a sorority is a big factor in identity -- but in the great big world at large, it isn't.
Did you just pledge this fall? I ask because you said you had felt distant and alone for the past several months. If you only pledged this fall, then you could not have been an initiated sister for very long before deactivating. Your initiation would have been recent, so these feelings that had been going on for several months would have then been there during your pledge time as well. Why did you choose to go through with initiation? I hope you deactivated with the full understanding that, unlike depledging, you can never join another NPC sorority.
Perhaps your expectations were unrealistic. Please give this some honest thought. If you realize it to be true and regret the decision it led to, consider contacting the chapter president to discuss reinstating your membership. Also, you said your decision to deactivate came after an emotional explosion. Was this a melt down in front of your roommate or did you lose it at chapter meeting? If it's the latter, that needs to be addressed with the sisters.
You are not the first girl to second guess her decision to join one sorority over another. Those who decide to "own" their choice and make the most of it usually go on to be fine with it. Can you see yourself doing this? If you 1.) Realize that deactivating was a mistake, and 2.) Can commit to making the best of sorority life...then consider pursuing reactivation, or stopping the deactivation process if it isn't complete yet.
If, on the other hand, you truly believe that Phi Mu was the wrong place for you, and that being non-Greek is better for you than being Phi Mu, then you probably made the right decision. Greek life is not everyone's cup of tea, and the majority of people in this world are not Greek. Best wishes to you in whatever you decide.
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