Question for Rec Writers from a Rec Writer

[greekdee]

Hi -- like a lot of you, I do recs every year for girls going through Panhellenic recruitment; 2011 was my biggest group so far, and almost every PNM went through a huge, mega- competitive recruitment at an SEC school. Everyone received bids and pledged.

I recently found out that one of my 2011 rec girls depledged right before her initiation. I also found out that her recruitment was very difficult, full of disappointments because she was dropped by all of her favorites. The sorority she did pledge was the only pref she was invited to.

She has decided to go through recruitment again Fall 2012 at the same SEC school, and is planning to ask her rec-writers from last year to provide them again. Have any of you done this before -- written two recs for the same girl at the same university?

If you were asked, and decided to do so, did you do anything differently the second time, or did you just provide the rec like normal? I already know my sorority cut her last year. Given how big her university is and the number of PNM's last year, I also wonder if the sororities will be aware that she depledged elsewhere. Do I need to acknowledge it in the rec?

Sorry if these questions sound clueless, but this has never come down my path before. Thanks

[DeltaBetaBaby]

I think this is one of those things where you should not mention it, and let the sorority read between the lines. If there WERE a good reason she didn't rush as a freshman, you'd be including it, right?

[AOII Angel]

I don't know. I think I'd want my chapter to know that the PNM had dropped prior to initiation. It's salient information. A rec is an alumna's opportunity to give any an all information she has about a PNM to her sisters. If you want to elaborate about the why and wherefores, great, but leaving it out when you know about it is akin to lying.

[psusue]

Not a rec writer (yet), just curious, but did she give a reason to why she depledged? I think that would affect what I'd say/how I'd say it, for sure. Although the point may be moot as if the young woman is using all the same rec writers (which I think is odd, personally) someone is bound to mention it, so it might not matter if you do. I'm afraid to ask, but she isn't asking for the same rec writer for the house from which she depledged, is she?

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

I don't know. I think I'd want my chapter to know that the PNM had dropped prior to initiation. It's salient information. A rec is an alumna's opportunity to give any an all information she has about a PNM to her sisters. If you want to elaborate about the why and wherefores, great, but leaving it out when you know about it is akin to lying.

So, leaving out some information is akin to lying, but leaving out other information is not?

[shirley1929]

Here's my deal...she did EXACTLY what most of the posters on GC would ask of her. She went through the whole process and gave it a shot. She went to the pref party she wasn't sure of, she went to bid day when she wasn't thrilled and she gave her pledge class a go at it. She didn't feel it, so she didn't take the vows that we each hold so dear of our organizations.

I don't know her, but I personally don't fault her. I would write the rec, and if it was a glowing one before...it would be the same now (unless her grades changed or something else). Would I mention it in my rec? Not sure. You didn't say how she'd treated her ex-pledge sisters (and you probably don't know) but was she running around the dorm trashing XYZ after she de-pledged, or did she do so gracefully? Those are the types of things I would be concerned about.

I'm sure there are those who don't agree with me, but if she's handled herself with grace and like an adult, I would have no problem writing the rec again.

[barnard1897]

I have written second recs before. It happens all the time--freshman goes through, doesn't like results, and goes through again mext year, needing recs again. Usually they don't go as far as the eve of initiation, but to me, that signals that the girl didn't just give up on bid day. I don't know the details of the story, of course, but she must have tried to some degree to make it work with the house she pledged. I'm not sure that her actions should only be seen as negative.

In one case, I wrote a second rec for a woman who transferred schools. She got into her first choice sorority at college 1 but did not like the campus even though she loved her house. She did not go through initiation, instead transferring mid year. She then went through recruitment at her new school, and ultimately joined a different house than she had pledged originally at college 1. We decided not to mention any of her past history in the recs.

I don't know that I would necessarily raise the point about her depledging in the rec, as the sororities probably already know or will find out--word does get around fast. It really depends on the facts. If you know for certain she used the house she ultimately walked away from, that's one thing, but if you don't know the circumstances, why raise speculation? Allow her go through and deal with any fall out, as surely being an upperclassman alone will close many doors? In my experience, these girls have had some additional time to swallow their pride and grow up--they go through the second time with a better head on their shoulders..

If in fact she's just shopping around for what she thinks will be a better sorority and experience, she will find out quickly whether her chances have improved or worsened with the other houses. Let her be the one to tell the story, unless you know for certain what happened and why. I would hope, as this young woman, she had taken some time to gain some leadership experience in place of a sorority during the past year, so she has some fodder when rushing as an upperclassman.

[Greek_or_Geek?]

I might. I would have to have a serious conversation with her about the situation and my willingness to write another recommendation would depend on her answers and attitude.

[greekdee]

Thanks for all the advice! I truly have no problem writing another rec. The first one I did was based on knowing her personally and on her high school history. She's a stellar, high achieving young woman who had a disappointing recruitment -- we all know it happens sometimes. As pointed out, she DID pledge, even though I now know the chapter was far from what she really wanted. I mean, some PNM's flounce off in a huff and never give a sorority a chance.

Also, I'm actually FB friends with her and do recall, last fall, that she often posted pictures of herself with pledge sisters, promoted some things the sorority was involved with...I do honestly think she tried to make it work, but ultimately, it just was not the right fit. Again, we all know that does happen sometimes.

Despite last year's disappointing recruitment, she thinks her odds will be better Fall 2012 because she has met a lot of women in other sororities. (At an SEC school? I worry since her favorites have already dropped her once and she'll be a sophomore.) She was also a legacy to the one she did pledge -- and feels like she got dropped by her favorites because they all thought she would go with her legacy no matter what. (Could be, could not be -- again, it's an SEC school).

I don't want to not acknowledge the depledging because I imagine at least some girls in my sorority already know, and given that I did write a rec last year, certainly don't want to appear as though I'm trying to sneak one by them! At the same time, I don't want it to work against her -- I do think she'd be an amazing sister in the right house for her. How to word it is what I'm wrestling with. State it, explain why I don't believe it should be viewed as a negative mark (given that she did try to make it work), then go into all she has to offer?

As for how she left her past chapter, I really don't know -- but can only imagine it was done as graciously as possible. I've never seen anything in this girl's demeanor to make me think she would handle it any other way.

Just curious what other people's experiences may have been with this, and if there is a kind of unspoken Panhellenic protocol to this type of situation. Thanks again! As always, the insight has been great!

[AnchorAlumna]

I think you should mention it. The chapter probably already knows. This would be your chance to ask them to give her another look (if that's what you want).
It would be great if you could talk with her in person. You can warn her of what she's up against, but assure her that you'll do what you can and encourage her. She'll probably be grateful for it!

[DubaiSis]

I think if she's kept her grades high, has been involved on campus, made friends, hasn't shot herself in the foot for one reason or another, and you still think she's a great gal, why not? If you like her enough to really try to help, you could say she went through but really wasn't prepared for all of it (stress, number of people, the process, whatever), gave her one option a true shot but still didn't feel it, and this year after getting to know some girls and being familiar with the school, she feels like she's in a much better position to put her best foot forward. I don't think there's any reason to feel like she doesn't deserve another chance.

[LAblondeGPhi]

Am I the only neurotic advisor here? I used to go through all of the registered sophomores and cross-check them with the pledge lists from the year before. I let the MVP know right away who had pledged elsewhere the year before. So I would be shocked if all of these chapters don't already know that she pledged elsewhere.

I think the only reason I would tell the chapter that she pledged another sorority last year would be if:
A) I now have some doubt that she'll make a committed member to my organization, and I want to warn my chapter
-or-
B) It can be mentioned in a narrative of how she's improved this year, matured, etc.

I would think that the mention of her previous affiliation would only hurt her, unless properly explained.

[AnchorAlumna]

Originally Posted by LAblondeGPhi

Am I the only neurotic advisor here? I used to go through all of the registered sophomores and cross-check them with the pledge lists from the year before.

Of course not! Last year was the first time in 30 years I'd worked with a live recruitment, and that was one of the first things I did.

[AZ-AlphaXi]

Originally Posted by LAblondeGPhi

Am I the only neurotic advisor here? I used to go through all of the registered sophomores and cross-check them with the pledge lists from the year before.

Absolutely not, that's always something I do every year, And not only the pledge lists but who may have dropped out and when.

[LAblondeGPhi]

Originally Posted by AnchorAlumna

Of course not! Last year was the first time in 30 years I'd worked with a live recruitment, and that was one of the first things I did.

Originally Posted by AZ-AlphaXi

Absolutely not, that's always something I do every year, And not only the pledge lists but who may have dropped out and when.

I knew we all thought the same

There's no way that these chapters don't already know this woman pledge a chapter last year, and know which chapter she pledged, and have already made assumptions based on that information. Maybe every individual sister doesn't know, but the leadership certainly does.

I think the only thing that mentioning it in the LOR does is to re-enforce that it's "something to keep an eye out for" from an alumna's perspective.