This is funny :)

[AOX81]

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.

They only had a dollar in change between them. "I've got it, follow me." said the first man.

They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. "We'll go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, I'll unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off."

The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds.

When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.

The bartender tells them, "That will be 3 dollars."

The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.

"You faggots!", screams the bartender. "Get the hell out of here!"

They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.

The bartender throws them out.

After the sixth bar the second man complains, "Man this isn't working out so well, My knees are killing me!"

"You think you've had it bad..", the first man exclaims. "I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!"

[AOX81]

Dear Dell Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow-down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1. Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperately Seeking Solution

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that old standby Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with improved performance of his hardware).

Good Luck,
Dell Tech Support

[AOX81]

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

"Does anyone know what this is?" She asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!"

"Two of them?!" the teacher asked.

"Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"

[AOX81]

A fireman comes home from work and is all excited. He just can’t wait to tell his wife the good news about a new system that they have down at the station.

"Honey!" he says, "you’re not going to believe this! Down at the station we have this new system and it’s so great. When Bell #1 goes off we put on all our gear. When Bell #2 goes off we slide down the pole and jump in the fire truck. When Bell #3 goes off we speed to the fire in the fire truck." He excitedly tells his wife. Triumphantly he says, We’re going to do the same thing for our sex life! When Bell #1 goes off we are going to strip naked. When Bell #2 goes off we will jump into bed. When Bell #3 goes off we will screw our brains out. Let’s give a test run. OK, ready? "Bell #1!" (they strip naked) Bell #2!" (they hop into bed) "Bell #3!" (they start screwing there brains out) a couple of minutes later the wife starts screaming "Oh, Bell #4! Bell #4!".

The husband confused says,"Bell #4, What’s that?"

The wife screams "More hose! More hose! Your not reaching the fire!!!"

[AOX81]

A guy and a girl met at a bar ...

They're getting along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place .....

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and washes his hands ....

He then takes off his pants and washes his hands ....

So the girl looks at him and says:
'You must be a dentist!'

The guy all surprised says 'Yes ... how did you figure that out ?'

The girl says: 'Easy .... you keep washing your hands' ....

One thing led to another ...

They make love ...

After they were done, the girl says: 'You must be a GREAT dentist!' ...

The guy was very very surprised, he says: 'Yes, I sure am a great dentist ... How did you figure that out??'

The girl says: 'Easy ... I didn't feel a thing' ....

[AOX81]

Know what a Yankee is?

It's like a quickee only you can do it by yourself.

[AOX81]

[Corbin Dallas]

This guy is in a bar and he's really depressed. A lady comes up to him and asks what's wrong. He tells her his wife left him because he was kinky.

She finds this interesting, and they have a few drinks. Finally, she says, "ey, why don't we go back to my place and get kinky."He agrees and they leave.

When they get to her place she says, "let me go change into something more comfortable." She goes into her bedroom and changes into her S&M gear, stilleto boots, black leather, cat of 9 tails, the whole 9 yards.

She comes out of her room and the man is putting on his coat. She says, hey i thought we were going to get kinky.

He replies, "I shit in your purse and screwed your dog. I'm outta here."