Domestic Violence

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

VandalSquirrel, regardless of whatever, I doubt that a GC man who shared what IrishLake shared would receive the response that she has received. That gendered response to intimate partner violence is why I created this thread.

There are less men here than women to begin with, but if say, Senusret I posted something similar I'd support him as well. I'll definitely put out there I have more knowledge about same sex partner violence than the average GCer and that is often less reported and less understood than woman on man heterosexual DV.

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

VandalSquirrel, regardless of whatever, I doubt that a GC man who shared what IrishLake shared would receive the response that she has received. That gendered response to intimate partner violence is why I created this thread.

Yep.

See: Chris Brown. Even after repeated apologies and saying that he's learned from the experience, he is still demonized by many people.

*This is not me condoning his actions.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Low C Sharp

And for a lot of those people, it is true.

I totally agree with this. One of my former classmates told me that she was once in an abusive relationship, or what could have been. She said that he got in her face whenever they would get into a heated argument, until one day he called her the "C" word. She said that's all that it took for her to leave. According to her, they were together for 2 years, and she didn't waste any time getting out. I don't blame her one bit. I would have done the same. I'm thinking that's probably how the violence usually starts.

[IrishLake]

I debated creating a different user name for this topic. I debated not posting anything at all. And the only reason I'm posting anything is because of what cheergreek said, that for her, it would only be once. I debated it because I don't want to bring shame on my GLO. But, that's not me, Theta doesn't define me, and I do not define her. So here it is:

For my husband and I, it was one time and it saved our marriage.

We were separated, on the verge of divorcing. Why is irrelevant. He came to the house one night when my children were young, my son just a baby. He picked a fight (as he often did around that time), because I confronted him about something. We shouted at each other, screamed, and I tried to just sit and shut up. I called a family member to come over, who was a good mediator. But when someone is in your face, saying awful horrible things, it was very hard for me to toe the line. When he found out I had called my family, he said he was leaving and taking our (then sleeping) daughter with him. Now ya'll know never to get between a moma bear and her cubs, right? I said over my dead body, and he went to push past me and I snapped, and closed fist hit him across the face. A right cross to his left cheek and eye. He ranted and raved more, and I fully expected him to hit me back, but he didn't.

Of course, when the cop pulled into the driveway, I was thoroughly confused, because neither of us had called the police, even though he screamed that he was going to. My well intentioned family member did, not knowing what had happened. I was arrested, because his shiner was obvious, and I spent the night in the county jail, and had a hearing first thing the next morning. I later plead to a lesser charge of disorderly conduct, paid a fine and had a year of unmonitored probation.

Now, of course, we don't condone violence. But that punch was one of the best things to ever happen to our marriage. I honestly don't think that we'd be married to this day had those events not happened. My husband refused to press charges, because he knew he deserved it, and more. It broke his heart to see me standing in a court room like that. The blame lie with both of us. Not long after that, we stopped hating each other and just focused on our kids. A few months after that, we became friends again. A few months after that, we both found our hearts finding their way back. Looking back now, we can chuckle about it.

Never since have I physically harmed him, or vice versa. Never since has he picked a fight to intentionally make me snap, never since has he been verbally abusive. We are better spouses for it, and are healthy and happily married. It took us a long and roundabout way to get here, but we're finally here, and living proof that one domestic experience is not the be all end all. It was not our finest moment, but everything happens for a reason.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by IrishLake

.

Hugs & love to you.

[Tulip86]

IrishLake, thank you so much for sharing that.

[amIblue?]

hugs to IrishLake and Honeychile

[IrishLake]

Thanks ya'll, but I'm good! We are in a much better place, and we're there together.

So my divorce lawyer couldn't get there that next morning, so the public defender had to present me to the judge, explain how I had no prior history, explained that I am college educated and was employed as an environmental geologist and priors jobs as a scientist. The bailiff standing behind me starting laughing under his breath, I heard him snort! I looked at him funny when he was walking me out of the courtroom, and he said "I really do apologize, ma'am. It's just that we don't get very many "Scientists" through this courtroom. Your husband must have really messed up! C'mon, Professor, I need to take you back to the holding area." I laughed!

Honey, I'm so very happy that you are in a much better place now, too!

[GeekyPenguin]

Originally Posted by Kevin

As someone who primarily practices in the family law arena, needless to say, I deal with the results of abuse for a living. It's difficult to discuss the concept in such general terms as is being attempted here as domestic abuse like a lot of human behavior is very nuanced and it is difficult to generalize.

In my experience, when there's abuse, it often goes both ways. I sometimes have a hard time finding a victim, sometimes it's really easy to find the victim. Sometimes, it's two a-holes who deserve each other.

Originally Posted by Low C Sharp

This is also my experience from my law practice. Sometimes there's just an abusive mess.

I prosecute domestic violence cases. It is one of the hardest things I do because sometimes I can't tell which spouse is the (bigger?) problem. I also feel like I'm being intrusive into what is a private and difficult moment for them.

Hugs to all out there who have experienced this, and if you are currently experiencing it, think about getting out, please.

[GammaPhi88]

Originally Posted by GeekyPenguin

I prosecute domestic violence cases. It is one of the hardest things I do because sometimes I can't tell which spouse is the (bigger?) problem. I also feel like I'm being intrusive into what is a private and difficult moment for them.

Hugs to all out there who have experienced this, and if you are currently experiencing it, think about getting out, please.

Considering that it is my goal, after law school, to prosecute domestic violence cases, I wondered about the toll it takes on the attorneys and other workers involved. Thanks for your insight.

And hugs to both Honey and IrishLake, I'm so glad that you are both in better places now!

[GeekyPenguin]

Originally Posted by GammaPhi88

Considering that it is my goal, after law school, to prosecute domestic violence cases, I wondered about the toll it takes on the attorneys and other workers involved. Thanks for your insight.

And hugs to both Honey and IrishLake, I'm so glad that you are both in better places now!

If you ever want to chat about it send me a PM. I'm happy to help a sister out!

[GammaPhi88]

Originally Posted by GeekyPenguin

If you ever want to chat about it send me a PM. I'm happy to help a sister out!

Thank you for that, I will once I get a moment free from the law library!

[AGDee]

I was there too. I've talked about it here before. My first husband.. while we were dating, it was little "jokes" that I was "overly sensitive" about. After marriage it escalated quickly into verbal abuse, controlling my money, trying to isolate me from friends and family. I was not easily controlled and the harder I pushed back, the more intense it became.. blockading me into my bedroom so I couldn't leave (I wanted to go for a drive to calm myself down, let the situation settle), physically holding me to keep me from going for a walk to calm down. My own rage was really increasing too, but I never acted on it physically. Then he was slamming doors, tossing things around.. then he threw a jar of jelly at me. I had been going to counseling, alone (because he said he didn't have a problem, I did, he was fine with how things were). The day after the jelly jar thing, I made my exit plan and was out in two weeks. It was scary. I was afraid he would find me.

Fear for myself was part of the reason I left, but it was also fear of the rage that was building up inside of me. I was sure that if we'd stayed together, one of us would kill the other. I just wasn't sure who would do it first. I have never felt that kind of rage again. I was lucky that I could get out because we had no kids, no house.. we'd only been married for 14 months. I can't explain the terror I had that he would find me. The most dangerous time, according to all the experts, is when you leave. Those Lifetime movies aren't a bunch of hooey, they are more real than most think.

The other thing that people don't realize is that these intense relationships are usually just as intensely good as they are intensely bad. The good times are extreme.. ecstatic. The bad times are peppered in among them. It makes it easier to think that it is going to be ok because you can almost forget when things are amazingly good. They always go bad again though. Intensely passionate to intensely violent, over and over and over...

[KSUViolet06]

Sometimes I think people look at their SO's behavior (if it occurs when they've decided to get married) and think "oh it'll get better once we're married."

Nope.

If he/she is like that when you're engaged, nothing is going to change just because you're married. If anything, it gets worse.

[Low C Sharp]

I wondered about the toll it takes on the attorneys and other workers involved.

It is beyond frustrating. It's maddening. It's very, very hard. I no longer do this work because I couldn't take it. Aspiring lawyers often imagine a fight of good vs. evil. There are cases like that. Then sometimes it's evil vs. evil, or psycho self-destruction vs. evil.

A lot of mental health workers say their least favorite patients are the ones with borderline personality disorder. They have a diabolical genius for driving other people berserk. A lot of victims of domestic violence have this condition, and it makes it so hard to represent their interests. They will come up with the most creative ways to sabotage your work.