Her Peeps

[cheerfulgreek]

I was reading some of the comments about parents being involved. I disagree, because your parents are your covering until you get married. It's just that they have better insight than you have (if you have parents who care about you). I mean, this might not always be to your liking, but it is always for your own good. This is true no matter what you think of them (provided that you have good parents). Your parents love you, they know you, and they want the best for you. Honestly, when it comes to choosing a mate, it's not brain surgery to figure out why their counsel in this area is invaluable. First of all, they are not in love with your significant other, so they can see him objectively. Second, they know and love you, so they are sensitive to what your needs are -what will work for you, and what will hinder you. So, when your parents speak on the matter of a mate, you need to listen to them instead of being dumb and relying on your own decisions.

I totally agree with PB. It's just that walking in friendship and learning about one another with no intimacy involved affords you the opportunity to learn about the character of a guy without having to make any snap decisions. It's just that once you've walked together for a while and realize that you share a lot on common, you create a bond, and then you'll naturally enter into courtship with the intention of solidifying a commitment. This is why I don't make impulsive decisions on whether a guy is for me upon our initial meeting. Chemistry isn't enough.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I was reading some of the comments about parents being involved. I disagree, because your parents are your covering until you get married. It's just that they have better insight than you have (if you have parents who care about you). I mean, this might not always be to your liking, but it is always for your own good. This is true no matter what you think of them (provided that you have good parents). Your parents love you, they know you, and they want the best for you. Honestly, when it comes to choosing a mate, it's not brain surgery to figure out why their counsel in this area is invaluable. First of all, they are not in love with your significant other, so they can see him objectively. Second, they know and love you, so they are sensitive to what your needs are -what will work for you, and what will hinder you. So, when your parents speak on the matter of a mate, you need to listen to them instead of being dumb and relying on your own decisions.

You do realize that not all parents have the best intentions in terms of their children's mates, right? Just look at the in-law venting thread. Do you think that the husbands of those GC women were "being dumb and relying on their [own] decisions?"

I've seen plenty of controlling fathers try to derail their daughters' relationships so they could be the only man in their lives. I've seen plenty of manipulative women do the same thing. People disown their children for whom they choose to love--for reasons as simple as race, religion, or socioeconomic factors. To say that they should just listen to whatever Mommy and Daddy tells them is naive, to say the least.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

You do realize that not all parents have the best intentions in terms of their children's mates, right? Just look at the in-law venting thread. Do you think that the husbands of those GC women were "being dumb and relying on their [own] decisions?"

I've seen plenty of controlling fathers try to derail their daughters' relationships so they could be the only man in their lives. I've seen plenty of manipulative women do the same thing. People disown their children for whom they choose to love--for reasons as simple as race, religion, or socioeconomic factors. To say that they should just listen to whatever Mommy and Daddy tells them is naive, to say the least.

I said depending on what kind of parents you have. I'm speaking of wise parents. Good parents aren't controlling.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Good parents aren't controlling.

That's also a really general, and pretty naive, statement.

Parents who have been perfectly fine in raising upstanding citizens can go buckwild once it's evident that their daughter's about to marry some guy, go off to college, or exert their independence in some other way. I've seen it happen so many times. Luckily, they have been good parents in every other aspect of their child's lives, so their kids know how to make the right decisions.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

That's also a really general, and pretty naive, statement.

Parents who have been perfectly fine in raising upstanding citizens can go buckwild once it's evident that their daughter's about to marry some guy, go off to college, or exert their independence in some other way. I've seen it happen so many times. Luckily, they have been good parents in every other aspect of their child's lives, so their kids know how to make the right decisions.

Not really. I've seen the opposite too many times. If you prefer to follow your own decisions, then okay. I've always made the decision to heed good advice, and most of it came from my parents, my friends, and my pastor. It seems to work for me. Do what works for you.

I agree with the last part of your post, though.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I was reading some of the comments about parents being involved. I disagree, because your parents are your covering until you get married. It's just that they have better insight than you have (if you have parents who care about you). I mean, this might not always be to your liking, but it is always for your own good. This is true no matter what you think of them (provided that you have good parents). Your parents love you, they know you, and they want the best for you. Honestly, when it comes to choosing a mate, it's not brain surgery to figure out why their counsel in this area is invaluable. First of all, they are not in love with your significant other, so they can see him objectively. Second, they know and love you, so they are sensitive to what your needs are -what will work for you, and what will hinder you. So, when your parents speak on the matter of a mate, you need to listen to them instead of being dumb and relying on your own decisions.

I had great, wise parents who cared about me and my siblings deeply, and a primary way they showed this was by raising to us make our own decisions. I certainly never considered them as "covering" me until I got married (at age 27). What you describe was not my experience, nor would I want it to have been, nor do I want it to be my experience with my children.

I see what you're trying to say, but I frankly I think it's useless advice, especially on the internet. If this is how it is for you and your parents, great. But so much of what you assume about parents and their relationship with their children can vary widely, even among "good" and "wise" parents.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

I had great, wise parents who cared about me and my siblings deeply, and a primary way they showed this was by raising to us make our own decisions. I certainly never considered them as "covering" me until I got married (at age 27). What you describe was not my experience, nor would I want it to have been, nor do I want it to be my experience with my children.

I see what you're trying to say, but I frankly I think it's useless advice, especially on the internet. If this is how it is for you and your parents, great. But so much of what you assume about parents and their relationship with their children can vary widely, even among "good" and "wise" parents.

You said what I was trying to say a little better than I did.

Not every parental recommendation is always a good one, and often reflects the reality our parents grew up in. I'll use myself as an example, taking out the dating and relationship aspect. For the past few years, my father has been on me to buy a house. Despite what I've told him--that I live in the nation's priciest housing market and that I'm unmarried and childless and it doesn't make sense to buy anything right now when I don't know what my life will be like in 5 years--he keeps on pushing it. He means well, he really does, and he started a family in a time when that was what you did. So, while he's been a great father, his advice on that front is not so good for me.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

You said what I was trying to say a little better than I did.

Not every parental recommendation is always a good one, and often reflects the reality our parents grew up in. I'll use myself as an example, taking out the dating and relationship aspect. For the past few years, my father has been on me to buy a house. Despite what I've told him--that I live in the nation's priciest housing market and that I'm unmarried and childless and it doesn't make sense to buy anything right now when I don't know what my life will be like in 5 years--he keeps on pushing it. He means well, he really does, and he started a family in a time when that was what you did. So, while he's been a great father, his advice on that front is not so good for me.

Yep. Outside of relationships, my mom told me something similar to what your dad was telling you. When I was in my last year of vet school, she wanted me to do a traditional residency, so I could become a specialist faster. She doesn't know anything about vet medicine, so I made the decision to do a non-traditional residency, although it's going to take two years longer. However, I took the advice from a vet who knows what would be better for me. I just think it's important to listen to people who have been where I want to go.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

I had great, wise parents who cared about me and my siblings deeply, and a primary way they showed this was by raising to us make our own decisions. I certainly never considered them as "covering" me until I got married (at age 27). What you describe was not my experience, nor would I want it to have been, nor do I want it to be my experience with my children.

I see what you're trying to say, but I frankly I think it's useless advice, especially on the internet. If this is how it is for you and your parents, great. But so much of what you assume about parents and their relationship with their children can vary widely, even among "good" and "wise" parents.

Well, I wasn't giving advice, I was just posting my thoughts about what has worked for me. I agree with what's in bold. I guess it just depends on what has worked for you. This has always worked for me. My parents (before my dad passed) have never been controlling, they've always given me great advice (that I still follow) but still would let me make my own decisions. A lot of the decisions I make are based on the way they raised me, and so far, I haven't had any regrets.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Well, I wasn't giving advice, I was just posting my thoughts about what has worked for me.

If that's the case, then why so few first person pronouns?

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I was reading some of the comments about parents being involved. I disagree, because your parents are your covering until you get married. It's just that they have better insight than you have (if you have parents who care about you). I mean, this might not always be to your liking, but it is always for your own good. This is true no matter what you think of them (provided that you have good parents). Your parents love you, they know you, and they want the best for you. Honestly, when it comes to choosing a mate, it's not brain surgery to figure out why their counsel in this area is invaluable. First of all, they are not in love with your significant other, so they can see him objectively. Second, they know and love you, so they are sensitive to what your needs are -what will work for you, and what will hinder you. So, when your parents speak on the matter of a mate, you need to listen to them instead of being dumb and relying on your own decisions.

Sorry, but the whole think reads like an observation on how it always is (with good parents) and should be, and that last sentence is clearly advice.

Like I said, if it works for you, great! But don't tell other people, even people with great parents, what they should or shouldn't be doing regarding their parents' advice. There are just way too many variables at play, and just because it works for you doesn't mean it works for others.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

just because it works for you doesn't mean it works for others.

That's true, MC. This makes sense.

[TonyB06]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I totally agree with PB. It's just that walking in friendship and learning about one another with no intimacy involved affords you the opportunity to learn about the character of a guy without having to make any snap decisions. It's just that once you've walked together for a while and realize that you share a lot on common, you create a bond, and then you'll naturally enter into courtship with the intention of solidifying a commitment. This is why I don't make impulsive decisions on whether a guy is for me upon our initial meeting. Chemistry isn't enough.

I agree w/ most of what PB said in the post you're referencing, but stopped short of co-signing his definitive wall between intimacy (however an individual defines it) and friendship that he seemed to draw.

Completely setting aside the OP's oddness on the issue, I think most relationships start somewhere closer to "boy-sees-girl, boy-likes-girl, they date and in the process the strength of their friendship leads to the cementing of a relationship." Put another way, I don't think I've ever dated anybody who was "strictly" a friend first. My romantic, or potential romantic interest in anyone that comes to mind, was the trigger to my active pursuit/engagement. The resultling rewardinga and satisfying friendship was/is something a wise person sees along the way.

CG, I understood what you were saying about "good parents" and the covering thing, but I think even your own subsequent posts on the matter (the professional advice vs. your parents' advice on the best route through vet school) confirmed that you know there is a point at which even "good parents" advice has to be set aside in favor of better advice from elsewhere.

But, in the main, I feel what you're saying.

[preciousjeni]

So how many of these vulgar messages will POOPGuy be permitted to post before it gets banned?

[BluPhire]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

So how many of these vulgar messages with POOPGuy be permitted to post before it gets banned?

I have given up on that question many months ago when harmless but annoying posters get banned, but constant offenders are able to continue to post.

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by BluPhire

I have up on that question many months ago when harmless but annoying posters get banned, but constant offenders are able to continue to post.

Agreed. With this guy, it seems like his first few posts (expressing his offensive opinion about black women) were just about testing the water. When he got away with that, he continued on to degrade women across the spectrum, reserving his nastiest comments for black women.

I just don't know what to think about the lack of ban...