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The next morning I slept in, since Pref was later in the day. Last year, I'd received a phone call pretty early, before 8. It was now 9 and I hadn't gotten a phone call. Alright, I'd be preffing at Obsidian... I was really happy about it.
At 9.30, my phone rang. I looked and saw that it was my RC.
I knew what was coming, because this had happened to me a year before. I was released from recruitment, and told that I should do my best to get involved in other ways.
I tried not to be too upset by it since it had happened to me once before. Still, I had hoped for a little while that I might have a chance to pref...
Later that day it really sunk in. What!? I seriously got dropped by ALL the houses for 2 years in a row? What in the world was wrong with me that NOBODY wanted me?? Especially after working so hard on getting my grades up, getting recs, practicing conversations... How could the houses not see that I'd be a great sister!?
To distract me, I talked to my family, and met up with my sister for lunch. I had a good day. I talked to my RC and she hinted that she would like me to go through it again next year, but I just wasn't sure if I would at that point. I had already been through twice, with virtually identical results both times, so I was seriously doubtful that I would make it in if I tried a third time. I had improved almost all of the ways I could, and the only thing I could do was make friends with a lot of sorority women (and I didn't want to try to be friends with girls just so I could have an 'in' with their organization). The only factor I could really think of was that my class standing was non-freshman, and if I waited another year I surely wouldn't be any closer to Freshman.
After classes started, I decided that this wouldn't happen again. Last year when I got released, I became obsessed with trying again, and wanted the girls to want me. This year I wasn't going to put myself through that again. I'd make friends on my own; I didn't need a sorority to feel good about myself. Maybe I wouldn't have thought this if I hadn't been able to look at my situation rationally, but once I got my 'mourning' out of my system I realized that it was stupid of me to think that if I wasn't in a sorority I wasn't a good person. I also had realized by this point that I was going through recruitment for the wrong reasons, something I hadn't wanted to admit to myself earlier but that I now found was the plain, hard truth. I was looking for validation from a sorority, and I was so obsessed with joining one that I felt like I would be insufficient without one. In the end I was actually OK about how things turned out, although I was a little bit sad that something I had wanted so badly hadn't worked out.
Still, when it came down to it, the things I hoped most to get out of joining a sorority were friendships. And there were other ways to find those on a campus as large as mine.
I joined 2 clubs, and I found out about Carnelian House, a non-Panhellenic Greek organization that was service-based instead of social-based. Their membership intake process was much less difficult than the Panhellenic groups. I pledged and loved it.
I realized that being involved was what I had been missing. I didn't need a Panhellenic sorority to validate me. My problem had been that I wasn't involved in much; and sitting at home gives you time to feel sorry for yourself. I was making a lot of friends in Carnelian House and truly falling in love with the organization. I was very busy with classes and clubs, and the hours I spent volunteering. I felt happy and for the first time, like nothing was missing.
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