I need advice and help. Have no idea where to put this. - Page 2

Alumiyum · #1 09-15-2010, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lala2005

I don't really know honestly. They're free, and I guess they just aren't interested. Most of my sisters in my sorority are the partying type so that's one thing they enjoy doing and I know that I should go to the parties with them, but I feel uncomfortable going because I have a boyfriend and I would feel really bad going without him, I just don't think it's respectful. Haha sorry if you don't understand that and think it's weird. And I've talked to my sisters about it and they understand, and I do spend time with the two girls who agree and have the same situation...
But back to my first point. A sister and I organized an ice skating sisterhood, it was about 7 or 8 dollars, and only 2 girls went. I guess most of the girls had something else to do, since it was a Saturday (it was after a recruitment workshop). And we can't have one during the week since a lot of girls have late night classes!
Sadly we don't have a chapter house or even suites at my school so I can't stop by in between classes.
But I'm gonna try and "not" be shy anymore! I really am. Retreat is this Friday so I'm excited for that.

And yeah the only thing I'd really gain from dropping out is being able to save my money and more time with my best friends. I have 4 and I've grown very distant from them since my sorority takes up a lot of time! And just time in general.

My gut is telling me not to quit though, so I guess that's a sign!

First, take this with a grain of salt since it's based on personal experience, but please think it over.

I've been in relationships where I have felt guilty if I did not bring my boyfriend with me to parties, or if I went without him. Every single one of these relationships ended, and badly. Now, I realize that's my own experience but please understand that aside from any one issue that caused the break ups, all of these relationships deteriorated more quickly and less amicably than subsequent ones because after a while, we were devoting all of our time to each other, and that's not healthy. Especially at this age. Arguements became impossible to reconcile because we were not able to blow off steam and have time apart to calm down. Two of these boyfriends became increasingly possessive to the point that there was abuse (and I am not telling you that I think your boyfriend is controlling or abusive). I am very careful now to maintain healthy relationships by having as much time with my friends as I do with my SO. I'm 24 and not ready to settle down, and I understand that about myself and act accordingly.

If you really want to build stronger relationships with your chapter, you need to have a talk with your boyfriend. You need to be able to have the experiences with your sisters that will help you grow. You don't have to drink or flirt. He needs to trust you enough to know you can handle the party without hurting your relationship. (And by the same token he needs to be afforded the same consideration.)

Was the sisterhood advertised? Were some girls worried about money? Was everyone exhausted after the workshop? Don't let one let down convince you that next time won't be better. The next time you organize an event advertise heavily ahead of time and if cost is an issue, consider something like a pot luck with movies. Have a sign up list and everyone can bring what they can afford.

It's common to grow apart during college, just let your friends know you're busy but that doesn't mean you don't care. When you have a free afternoon on Saturday, ask them to come over to your apartment/dorm and hang out, or organize a girls' night out with just them.

lala2005 · #2 09-18-2010, 08:10 PM

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't really responded to your advice. I was actually at retreat for my sorority.
First off, retreat was so amazing! So much sisterhood bonding, my roomie and I connected so well because we both felt the same way about being in our sorority. We both felt alone and wanted to drop- and when we talked about it and other things it was just great because we both understood each other and there was actually crying too-but it was actually tears of happiness because we were happy that this weekend we got to know everyone so well and we felt so comfortable. All my sisters ended up coming to our room and we talked to them about so many different things, and we went to the jacuzzi at like 2 in the morning and talked a lot there too. I got to know all the girls so well and I am so happy! I feel a lot more comfortable now and I'm actually going to go make costumes with them for a frat party soon! I'm really excited about that! And I'm going out with them again tomorrow!
Anyways I just wanted to let everyone that gave me advice know that all the info/help/experience you gave me helped significantly and made me realize different things I need to work on. I can't thank you guys enough! I really don't know what else to say besides thank you! And I'm definitely not dropping and sticking it through.

33girl · #3 09-18-2010, 08:41 PM

Yay for happy endings, or rather, happy beginnings!

I'm so glad you were able to express how you were feeling and realize your sisters really are there for you.

When Doves Cry · #4 09-18-2010, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lala2005

Most of my sisters in my sorority are the partying type so that's one thing they enjoy doing and I know that I should go to the parties with them, but I feel uncomfortable going because I have a boyfriend and I would feel really bad going without him, I just don't think it's respectful.

I had a boyfriend the whole time I was in my sorority (and still with him now). I didn't go out as much as the other girls did, but I did go to a fair amount of parties & socials. In fact, he always encouraged me to go and have fun, as long as I was safe!

Sorry if I'm repeating any questions (I only read the first page), but do you have date parties? Kind of like Semi-Formal & Formal, but more casual and you can all bring your boyfriends/dates/whoever!

lala2005 · #5 09-19-2010, 01:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by When Doves Cry

I had a boyfriend the whole time I was in my sorority (and still with him now). I didn't go out as much as the other girls did, but I did go to a fair amount of parties & socials. In fact, he always encouraged me to go and have fun, as long as I was safe!

Sorry if I'm repeating any questions (I only read the first page), but do you have date parties? Kind of like Semi-Formal & Formal, but more casual and you can all bring your boyfriends/dates/whoever!

Yeah we have a semi-formal and a formal!

But we haven't had date parties.....!

When Doves Cry · #6 09-19-2010, 01:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lala2005

Yeah we have a semi-formal and a formal!

But we haven't had date parties.....!

OH well you can plan them exactly like how you would plan a social (with themes & everything)! Except instead of having it with a fraternity, you just bring your own dates

lala2005 · #7 09-15-2010, 12:53 PM

Sorry for the double post, but yeah my chapter requires everyone to go to every greek week event too!
And no worries if you think your response sounds harsh it doesn't, I'm really happy that you took the time to help out and reply. Thanks for all the advice I really love it and can't say thank you enough!

LocalLove9 · #8 09-15-2010, 01:01 PM

Ah, the going out with your sisters without your boyfriend issue... I'm not going to say go party go wild if that's not something you want to do, but if you feel like being in a relationship, not a lack of desire to go to parties with your sisters is what prevents you going, I can address that one.

One way to handle it is to split your evenings. Say a party starts at 10:00...go from 10:00 to 12:00 with your sisters, hang out and be social. Then excuse yourself, tell everyone you've had fun, and go meet up with the bf. Or, is there some reason he can't come to these parties? I know at schools with a less open party system than mine, guys can have a hard time getting into frat parties, but is it possible for you to go with your sisters, and him to go with some of his friends? That way you can alternate time hanging there with your sisters and hanging there with him and his friends.

Another tip is just reaching out to girls for lunch or dinner sometime. Do you have a house email list? Email the sisterhood asking for lunch buddies on Tuesday or whenever, and see if anyone responds.

That's good you're organizing things like iceskating...you are trying. I know its frustrating when people don't reciprocate, but at least you are trying. That's good. I hope you don't quit, and that everything works out for you!

AnotherKD · #9 09-15-2010, 01:19 PM

oops

AnotherKD · #10 09-15-2010, 01:20 PM

That sucks that you don't have a house or a suite to go to. I completely agree with everyone above, and here are a few other things you can maybe do. See if anyone is interested in having a mini-pledge class war with silly games, or a scavenger hunt, or see if 5-6 of you want to eat lunch together, like the poster above said. Sure, not everyone will want to do it or will be able to make it due to other obligations, but I know that there must be some that will. See if your sorority, or your pledge class, wants to order the same kind of shirt with maybe really awesome letters, or even a set of scrubs with your letters/crest on them. See if anyone wants to go on a little road trip over a weekend. These things are pretty simple, but maybe someone else could come up with something a bit more outside-of-the-box.

AZTheta · #11 09-15-2010, 01:21 PM

lala2005,

Really solid advice so far in this thread. Perhaps your perception is something that needs to be slightly adjusted? I was NOT friends with everyone in my sorority when I was an active. I am an advisor now and what I see is this:

There are a few members who have the gift of appearing to be "friends" with everyone. They are outgoing, bubbly, easy conversationalists, and constantly on the move. They are People Magnets. Even I want to spend time with them when I'm at the house for one reason or another. Why? These young women are fun and make others laugh. I've not heard anyone sniping at them behind their backs (and believe me, I hear enough of that at times - hey, we're human and not perfect).

But the majority of the members are more quiet and reserved. They have their friendships within the chapter, and they are all involved in other activities outside the chapter.

One thing that the chapter does share is a commitment to sisterhood events and other events. I instituted a "practice" at Chapter meetings: I asked the actives to discuss proposed events and vote on a) willingness to support the event and b) approval of events. The change in the chapter has been amazing. The chapter as a whole now feels involved in the decision making, as opposed to "top down" decisions from Exec. AND there's been a corresponding increase in participation.

Scheduling events is key - timing is everything. You can plan the best event ever and have close to zero participation if the timing's not right.

Let me know if you'd like some ideas about sisterhood events. AND there are some great threads about sisterhood already existing on GreekChat - happy searching.

I have confidence that you're going to make a difference, because you care.

lala2005 · #12 09-15-2010, 01:30 PM

And just to reiterate, I do a lot of things without him. I only see him a couple days a week, so the rest of the week I am on my own with friends doing different things! Hahaha days of parties I'm not sitting at home by myself...I'm still doing something! Haha

DubaiSis · #13 09-15-2010, 01:49 PM

I'll bet you every one of us "older" gals can tell you stories of THAT girl in the house who nobody knew, until one day the boyfriend dumps her out of the blue and she's stuck living in a house (I realize this isn't your exact problem) with a bunch of girls she hardly knows and has to start from scratch.

Go make 1 friend in the chapter. Go to lunch, go skating, whatever you want to do. Maybe add 1 "new" girl to the mix the next time. If your response is "I already have SOME friends in the chapter," then I think your problem might be confusing real life with TV. Sorority life isn't all pillow fights and candle-passings. pooping rainbows comes to mind. HA!

lala2005 · #14 09-15-2010, 01:57 PM

I go to parties with my best friends and without him, it's frat parties and clubs I don't like going without him... haha is that still bad?

I understand what all of you guys are saying and I'll make changes......honestly, I don't really know why I feel like it's disrespectful to go to frat parties without him.. I just feel like I'm hurting his feelings I guess... as for clubs everyone always dances with guys they don't know and i think that's disrespectful to do since I have a boyfriend.

And he hangs out with his friends almost everyday... hahha
as for me, I hang out with my best friends when I'm at my dads, and when I'm at my mom's, since I've only lived in that city for a year I don't have anyone to hang out there. I usually do something with my sorority since we have a ton of meetings.. that's why I want to get to connect well with my sisters so I'll have great girlfriends to hangout with when I'm at my mom's

lala2005 · #15 09-15-2010, 02:05 PM

Yeah I understand. He trusts me completely and doesn't have a problem with it. I guess I just worry too much, I don't want to hurt him amd I don't want him to think I favor fraternity guys over him. I'll start going to frat parties if my sisters are going soon, but I still won't go to a club without him hahhaa

I don't think I'll ever change my stance on that haha