Boyfriend Question (please help)

[Little32]

Originally Posted by AzTheta

I cannot state this any more baldly.

You truly have no idea of the mindset that you are dealing with; any contact with you is rewarding, regardless of whether it is positive or negative.

The most difficult thing you must accept is that you cannot react in any way to this man (or, as the case may be, woman - "Fatal Attraction", anyone?).

Please, please read Gavin DeBecker's book.

Trust me. I know whereof I speak.

I agree. She has talked to him once, and let him know where she stands. I don't think anymore conversations are necessary. What needs to happen now is letting everyone know that he is no longer a part of her life. She doesn't need to talk to him anymore.

[AOII Angel]

If you are having difficulties letting go and are doubting yourself, counseling may be in order, too. A lot of these issues have to do with the men making their girlfriends feel dependent on them and making them feel like the situation is their fault. There is nothing wrong with having a professional to talk through these issues. You need to really get a handle on why you fell into the relationship with THIS guy so you can avoid a relationship with another guy like him or fall back into a relationship with the same guy again when he comes crawling back with flowers, crying that he didn't mean to hurt you.

[luvdrunk]

I'm share with mixed emotion that I broke it off with my boyfriend. Mixed because yeah I know it works out for the better, but we had so much planned together and I don't know where I go from here (other than forward, the only way to move I guess). The good thing is they were just that... plans.

I left some things in his care before moving out (a few clothes, some cheap jewelry), he threatened to throw them away. Right now I'm trying to deal through a neutral third party who will set up the meeting time with him without my knowledge and same with me. Is there anyway I can get my stuff back (legal-wise)? It's no big deal if I can't, but it's a few more price-y items I don't want to re-purchase.

Thanks again y'all

LD

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

I'm share with mixed emotion that I broke it off with my boyfriend. Mixed because yeah I know it works out for the better, but we had so much planned together and I don't know where I go from here (other than forward, the only way to move I guess). The good thing is they were just that... plans.

I left some things in his care before moving out (a few clothes, some cheap jewelry), he threatened to throw them away. Right now I'm trying to deal through a neutral third party who will set up the meeting time with him without my knowledge and same with me. Is there anyway I can get my stuff back (legal-wise)? It's no big deal if I can't, but it's a few more price-y items I don't want to re-purchase.

Thanks again y'all

LD

I walked away from a boyfriend who was, IMO, emotionally abusive. Although it was no where near as scary a situation as yours, I also felt torn because he was who I had planned my life around for 7 years. Some days I'm still not sure, but I know that it was the right choice and I'm a much healthier and happier person for it.

Legally it'd take small claims court I think. Hopefully a neutral friend can take care of it.

[honeychile]

Run. Run fast. Run hard. Run for your life!

Every state has different laws concerning a restraining order. The iced tea incident would get you one in PA. Verbal threats, with the following vandalism/theft, would get you one in other states.

Take some time THE MINUTE YOU WAKE UP and call Legal Services for your town, and ask them what it takes. Here, you see Legal Services, then every woman who is able to get an order is told to meet at certain place, and escorted by deputies to a private room to get your order together. It's a great set up, and I hope it is for you, too.

Remember that the Restraining Order (Protect From Abuse, etc) is a piece of paper, so you also need to be more viligant about your surroundings.

You are not a person to this man, you are a possession. That's not going to change until he gets into major, full-time therapy. He probably feels that his need to possess you is love, but it's sick, sick emotion. Hopefully, he will be a chicken, deep down inside, and leave you alone - but don't count on it.

I'm talking from experience, and from learning more about my years in hell. May you find joy, peace, and real love in any future relationship you have.

[honeychile]

Sorry about the double post, but think about it: does he have ANYTHING of yours that is worth your life? It's much more fulfilling to be a financially stretched survivor than him returning your stuff to your parents at a funeral.

I know I sound morbid, but every physical abuser starts as an emotional abuser. You do NOT deserve that!

[BluPhire]

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

I left some things in his care before moving out (a few clothes, some cheap jewelry), he threatened to throw them away. Right now I'm trying to deal through a neutral third party who will set up the meeting time with him without my knowledge and same with me. Is there anyway I can get my stuff back (legal-wise)? It's no big deal if I can't, but it's a few more price-y items I don't want to re-purchase.

Thanks again y'all

LD

Welcome to what I call the common law divorce.

It goes like this, when you break up, whatever you left behind is just lost.

Is it possible to get it back...in a good breakup yes.

But in your situation, I would just charge it to the game and keep it moving. That stuff is not worth it, easily replaceable.

[luvdrunk]

So I forgot to block him on g-talk and left myself signed on he said things that I'm glad I wasn't "with him" to read things where he called me a whore, said I deserve to have the crud (put nicer) beaten out of me, my personal fav... "dumb broad" then as a last plea he asked me to marry him. YEAH RIGHT. He is making it too easy to start getting over him. I'm grateful.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by luvdrunk

So I forgot to block him on g-talk and left myself signed on he said things that I'm glad I wasn't "with him" to read things where he called me a whore, said I deserve to have the crud (put nicer) beaten out of me, my personal fav... "dumb broad" then as a last plea he asked me to marry him. YEAH RIGHT. He is making it too easy to start getting over him. I'm grateful.

I'm with honeychile. Stay the hell away from him and make sure he doesn't have access to your apartment/keys/car/etc. At least call someone and explore your legal options, if you can't figure out who else to call contact a women's shelter/domestic violence center and they should have contact info or someone you can talk to right there.

Protect yourself first and foremost.

[AGDee]

Do you have a log of that? I believe that could be useful evidence to get a restraining order.

I married a guy like this. Trust me when I say BE GLAD that he is gone. It is not fun to secretly move out, be afraid that he will find out where you live, etc. My counselor at the time told me that the most dangerous time is when you break up with him so we took several steps to protect me through that time. DO listen to people above who suggest you seek legal advice now. If you don't know how to find that advice, call a local domestic violence shelter. They will know who you should contact.

[MaggieXi]

Stuff is just stuff. Even if it is expensive, it can be replaced. You can not be and your emotional well-being can't be either. Why put yourself through more communication with him to get "stuff" back?

If it is absolutely imperative that you get things back - have your third party and a friend (no one should go in alone with this guy) go in with a list and get the items and leave. Have the third party store the in a neutral place for a few days, that way your ex can't follow the third party with the intention of confronting you there. (Can you tell I've done this before?)

Also, be sure to protect your credit right now. I was in a abusive-controlling relationship and after I left, he opened up a bunch of credit cards using my SSN taken off personal docs that he had gotten his hands on while we were together. By the time that was figured out, Chase Bank, was not happy with him.

[AZTheta]

Congratulations, luvdrunk, on taking the first step toward reclaiming your life. Give time time now, and get comfortable in your own skin. You have work to do, and I promise you it will be worthwhile.

I had to obtain restraining orders/orders of protection in THREE states. It was not impossible but it was challenging and I had to be very strong and state the facts (no drama, no story), along with all the supporting evidence, three times, to three separate legal systems, and I had to answer many questions which kept the situation "alive", but I accomplished the legal goal. There is much more to the story but I do not discuss it because it is in the past and that is where it will stay. I cannot say for certain that it is over, I will never let my guard down; but I can say that it seems to have stopped.

Please read deBecker's book. He has a website also, but the book is invaluable, not just for your situation, but for life. There are many professionals and experts who will assist you on your journey. Again, the mindset you are dealing with is not one that is understandable or reasonable.

As for your possessions, I'm going to say something that you might not want to hear: They are just things and can be replaced. Your life cannot.

[CopterDad]

I admire all of the ladies on this board that have opened up their past in order to help you.

That you felt the need to create a sock puppet to hide your regular screen name, not so much.

Now, take the advice and fix yourself. Like I and others have said, get legal advice on this one.

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by CopterDad

That you felt the need to create a sock puppet to hide your regular screen name, not so much.

I'm sorry, CopterDad, but I must say that I understand totally and completely why this poster thought a sock puppet necessary in this situation. Unless you have walked in those shoes, which I have, it's not easily understandable. Shelters are hidden and anonymous for valid reasons, and identities are hidden and protected for the same reasons.

I had to answer questions that implied that I (a) liked what was happening (b) brought this on myself (c) wanted attention. Nothing could have been further from the truth; it was random and escalated into something from a horrible nightmare. And that is all I will say; no more salacious details.

I do not want the OP to think that she cannot seek help because she will be shamed/blamed/scorned/ridiculed/judged. She started in a venue that she felt comfortable in, and she's making progress, and I wish her the best.

Harsh words, perhaps, but that is my truth.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by AzTheta

I do not want the OP to think that she cannot seek help because she will be shamed/blamed/scorned/ridiculed/judged. She started in a venue that she felt comfortable in, and she's making progress, and I wish her the best.

I will say what I said when there was a thread in, I believe, the Delta Sigma Theta forum about a very personal situation:

Greekchat is not the place. People need to think long and hard before they turn Greekchat into a place where people can come for certain discussions.