So here we are, the finale. It will be a long one so hang in there if you're still with me.
Wednesday afternoon I went to class after having filled out my preference card. I was incredibly nervous. What if none of those houses wanted me? What if I said something and insulted someone without realizing it? What if I was right all along...that someone like me could NEVER be accepted by such perfect girls that I wanted so much to be friends with.
I began having a horrible anxiety attack. Having been in the theatre so many years as an actress and having been treated like a stone that could be kicked around in my youth by the "mean girls" of high school and middle school, fear set in. When I came back from class I went about my evening alone. Quiet. In my room. Alone. My roommate was never ever there. She was from the area and had quite a few friends and a brand new boyfriend. Even though we had hit it off right away, her boyfriend and I didn't and so I never really saw her.
So there I was scared to death. Waiting for Thursday morning preference cards for Round 2. I went to class and came back. Went to class. Came back. And then it came time for me to go to the Panhel office. Instant Panic. I couldn't pull myself together. I was in my room alone and I started crying. Lying on my bed I was having some kind of nervous breakdown. What the hell? Did it really matter to me THAT much what people thought, what these girls thought? And if it did, was it this worth it to react this way?
I wish I could say I had the courage at that time to overcome that fear. But I made probably one of the smartest, but a decision I still regret. I decided that first of all, I was NOT in a state to make a good impression. And second of all, if I wanted so much to be friendly with these girls and be a part of a specific organization, it may be best to do it the only way I know how, where I'm comfortable in my own skin. Outside of their houses. I received a phone call from the President of Panhel, and also the President of one of the sororities asking me to come down and take my preference schedule. I declined. She sounded disappointed and said, "Are you sure?" I confirmed. An instant weight lifted off my shoulders.
What a cop out, girl. But, I know it was a good decision. I wish I had the courage to find out "who wanted me", but I know in my heart that my emotional being just cannot handle that kind of rejection anymore. It wasn't good for me.
However, after all that I'd gone through and after it completely enthralling me, I still wanted so much to be a part of a chapter. I wanted to pledge. But I wanted these girls to be friends of mine. I wanted to meet them all outside of their comfort zones and bring them into mine. By me reaching out and going out on campus and getting to know not just them but EVERYONE I could. I wasn't a shy girl by any means. I mean hey I was a theatre major! And people did like me. Now it was just a matter of how the rest of the semester went and where I fell in the University as a whole.
The rest of formal recruitment came and went. I tried very hard not to think about it by occupying myself with schoolwork, such as auditions, and class and rehearsing with scene partners and the like.
Two of the girls in my freshman acting class had gone through formal recruitment. I had no idea!! One of the girls decided to pledge
Clueless while the other was pledging
Legally Blonde. Cool! Good for them. I was proud.
As the semester went on, I started getting to know girls in different houses. Turned out that as I got to know all of them and who went where in my Rush group and other girls I met that I didn't meet during rush, I could very well have been very wrong about a lot of the girls. Specifically, the
[COLOR="rgb(255, 140, 0)"]Legally Blonde[/COLOR] and
Clueless girls.
Another girl in my dorm hall was pledging
My Best Friend's Wedding. So I decided that come spring I will decide will go through informal rush with one or two houses of girls that I'm already familiar with and from there decide where I fit best.
Christmas came. My grandfather was diagnosed with cancer overnight. Due to his age, it was only a matter of time. But I ignored all the signs of him being ill and was positive he would recover.
The spring semester began. It was late January and the first week of classes I had to go through our required departmental auditions. I wound up getting cast in one of the shows as a Freshman. I was ecstatic. But I was still determined to do what my heart set out to do. I was determined to pledge.
By this time, there was a new girl living next door to me. I had a few houses in mind that I had wanted to revisit.
Beaches was on the top of my list. But I had also gotten to know a lot of girls in
Sixteen Candles.
My Best Friend's Wedding was also somewhere I wanted to go.
This time around it was informal rush. Just specific parties for specific houses and they overlapped. The girl in my hall and I decided we were going to go to Sixteen Candles together. I wanted to go to Beaches, but was incredibly heartbroken when I couldn't for the life of me get information on their rush parties.
I had plans to go to My Best Friend's wedding the following evening. So, my hallmate, we'll call her Nicky and I went to to Sixteen Candles. When I walked in I was surprised at how much I remembered! And, to my surprise how many of the girls I was already well acquainted with. 4 of the girls that had been in my rush group were in the house, they had pledged in the fall
. The girl I had met at orientation that was in my rush group was there as well. I knew so many of them! I was so excited. All of them were so happy to see me there. I instantly felt at home. They were already my friends. I didn't want to leave.
Throughout rush I met even more of the chapter and by the end of rush felt as though I knew each of them very well. During some of the parties I seemed to be the entertainment, making all of the rushees and the girls laugh.
I didn't even think about it. I didn't rush any other house. And my hallmate and I were thrilled to find under our door on Bids Day a bid from
SIXTEEN CANDLES
All freshman year if you had asked me up to then if I thought I would be pledging, I never thought it would be Sixteen Candles. But I was proud. Excited. And very happy.
That was the highlight.
They decorated my door and all the girls in my pledge class and I had gotten to know each other very well during rush. We were all happy to be there.
On Bid night, one of the girls in my pledge class that I had become very friendly with made a joke, which I happened to find inconsequential. One of the girls in the chapter found incredible offense to it, and the next day when we had our first night at the house, we were all sad to find that she had been kicked out of our pledge class. I was shocked. It didn't seem right to me. I didn't see that she'd done anything wrong, but there was nothing I could do about it.
That same night there was another girl in my pledge class, one of the girls I didn't know very well, who just steered our pledge class in the wrong direction. There were activities that I simply didn't agree with and neither did the girls in my pledge class who I had become very friendly with.
The following morning I had gotten no sleep. I had an 8am class and I had rehearsal that evening. On my way to class my mother called me. My grandfather had had a stroke from the Chemo and was in the hospital. Everything was starting to fall apart.
After rehearsal that night, I did a lot of soul searching.
I spent one more night at my house and again, its a shame, but one girl was ruining my experience. I didn't tell anyone that I had a problem with her actions. A couple of the girls I was really friendly with after that depledged. They were the girls I personally thought I had found the most connections with in my pledge class.
I had made so many friends from this experience and the upperclassmen that were there were girls I loved. But they all seemed to approve of her actions. This depressed me greatly. I went upstairs and had a conversation with our New Member Advisor. In tears I explained to her that there was too much happening. I didn't want to be missing rehearsals nor did I want to miss Big/Little night. I didn't want to let my family down, but I needed to be there for them, (both the house and my real family).
Tearfully, I depledged. She gave me a huge hug and understood. We said that perhaps when things are better, I can return in the fall.
My grandfather passed the following week. My mental and physical health began to deteriorate. And now I had no place to live the following semester. I became friendly with this girl in my dorm who had rushed Sixteen Candles and didn't receive a bid. We got together and moved into the dorms with another girl the following year.
That fall I was determined to try again and go back. But one night after having been out at a fraternity party, I got very sick. I had the shakes and I was crying and I was up all night with some other rather vivid details that I won't share.
Time passed and I became diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. Because of all of my commitments to my major that required more than just attendance to class and homework, and with my illness. It was virtually impossible to return.
The girl who was supposed to be my Big the previous year and I remained friends throughout all of college. Everytime I had the opportunity to spend time or stop and say hello to the girls I would. They all felt very sad that I could not be apart of their organization, but to be honest, even though I depledged and even thought I had other obligations, I never felt like I wasn't. Everytime I saw them, it was as though nothing had happened other than friendship.
Both they and I had expected to have a sister who was fantastic leader. Instead what we both got were fabulous friends, with or the actual sisterhood.
I'm really glad I shared this tale with you all. I do regret some of the things that happened, but sometimes life just gets in the way, and you don't really have room for all the things you want. I'm still friendly with some of the girls to this day. And I have nothing but respect for all of the girls in all of the chapters.
Thanks for listening guys, its bittersweet to talk to you all. I wish I were still a part of the organization or one of them, but sometimes things just aren't meant to be.
)
what might have been...
Hybrid Mode
