Not Keen on Having Kids support thread

[KSigkid]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

To a point true...but just one aspect...we didn't have kids killing each other in school at the rate as we were coming up unlike now.

But, I guess it's subjective

Do you know that for a fact, though? I would be interested to see statistics on school violence, especially comparing the number of incidents in past decades. Part of me wonders whether the publicity of it all is a post-Columbine issue.

ETA: I guess my point is that I'm not sure how much better things were "back in the day," or whether things were actually all that much safer for children.

[SWTXBelle]

I always wonder how much more is reported now vs. "back in the day" when it seems to me we were much less aware of a great deal outside of a fairly narrow sphere.

[PhoenixAzul]

My husband and I are childfree. We will not have children. Period. I have no desire to be pregnant, to give birth, to parent, to do any of that. Zero. What I find galling is that it is so difficult in the US for a childless woman under a certain age to get her tubes tied or have the Essure procedure or have an IUD inserted.

The reason?

"You might change your mind."

Apparently, women are smart enough to be able to decide they WANT children, but not smart enough to decide they DON'T WANT children. I've had so many doctors go, "YOU HAVE AN IUD?! WHY!!!" umm...because I got it free through the NHS, it lasts for 10 years, BC pills cost money every month and you've got to remember to take the dang things, I'm married and I don't want kids. If my body becomes possessed, I can have it removed. Seems like a good solution to me?

And like others have said...I like my lifestyle. I like being able to spend weekends going on roadtrips, or sleeping in with my husband, or spending 3 hrs on my bike because I want to. I love my work and research and there's no way I can do that with a kid (especially with how crappy maternity/paternity leave is in this country).

This is not to say that I hate kids, quite the opposite. I volunteer for a Boys and Girls Club, the Girl Scouts, I teach catechism...I just have no real desire to be a parent. My brother and SIL are very keen on having kids, and they'll be tremendous parents, and I'll be psyched to be an aunt. It's just that it isn't for everyone.

[ZTAngel]

I'd like to have kids but I'm just not there yet. I still enjoy taking spontaneous vacations with my husband, spending my weekend afternoons at the pool or shopping, and going out for drinks with my friends on Friday and Saturday night. I'm not ready to give that up yet. At the same time, I know that I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to end up waiting too long only to find out that I can't have kids. My husband will finally graduate from his doctorate program early next year and that's when we have to really start thinking about growing our family. I just really wish that I could wait another 5 years or so without worrying whether I'll still easily be able to get pregnant. I know that I definitely want kids but I'm just not 100% ready yet. But I also don't want to wait until my eggs are past their expiration date. It's a trade off.

[SWTXBelle]

FWIW - I had my first 2 children at 25 and 27, and the last 2 at 37 and 39. It's MUCH easier when you are younger - AND you have the advantage of having them out of the house while you are still young (ish). As you say, it's a trade-off. Love and adore my children - but by the time I have an empty nest, I will have had nestlings for 32 years. Not that I counted.

I plan on being INCREDIBLY selfish!

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by deepimpact2

On a side note, there's a book out called "We Need to Talk About Kevin." The main character is a mother whose son went on a killing spree at school, and the book consists of letters she wrote to her husband explaining how she really didn't want kids and how one of her worst fears about having kids came true.

I really thought that book was well done. I've often thought it could be made into a really great creepy film, and there's some possibility that it might get made.

[ThetaPrincess24]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

but by the time I have an empty nest, I will have had nestlings for 32 years. Not that I counted.

HAHA!!

[deepimpact2]

Originally Posted by UGAalum94

I really thought that book was well done. I've often thought it could be made into a really great creepy film, and there's some possibility that it might get made.

I like it so far. That would be cool if they make it into a movie.

[deepimpact2]

Originally Posted by PhoenixAzul

My husband and I are childfree. We will not have children. Period. I have no desire to be pregnant, to give birth, to parent, to do any of that. Zero. What I find galling is that it is so difficult in the US for a childless woman under a certain age to get her tubes tied or have the Essure procedure or have an IUD inserted.

The reason?

"You might change your mind."

Apparently, women are smart enough to be able to decide they WANT children, but not smart enough to decide they DON'T WANT children. I've had so many doctors go, "YOU HAVE AN IUD?! WHY!!!" umm...because I got it free through the NHS, it lasts for 10 years, BC pills cost money every month and you've got to remember to take the dang things, I'm married and I don't want kids. If my body becomes possessed, I can have it removed. Seems like a good solution to me?

.

UGH. Don't even get me started on this. I have been fighting this battle for the past month. I want to have the Essure and my doctor is pitching a fit.

1. She just had her third baby and so she doesn't understand why I don't want any kids.
2. Because we both lost our moms at a young age (22) she thinks that I won't feel "whole" again until I have a baby of my own. She feels that way because that is what happened with her. She never wanted kids either. Then once she got married, she changed her mind. She said when she had her first baby, she finally felt "whole" again after losing her mom.


So I had to go to the office three times to convince her I really want it done. However, on the last visit last week I ended up snapping at the CNA. The CNA was taking my blood pressure. She looked down at me and smirked and then said, " why are you trying to have an Essure when you're so young and you don't have any kids?" The next thing I knew, I was responding back, " Because I don't want any damn kids." It came out before I realized it, but she had pissed me completely off. I normally don't use that kind of language when angry. She knew she was out of line asking me that question so she apologized.

[ThetaPrincess24]

Originally Posted by deepimpact2

So I had to go to the office three times to convince her I really want it done. However, on the last visit last week I ended up snapping at the CNA. The CNA was taking my blood pressure. She looked down at me and smirked and then said, " why are you trying to have an Essure when you're so young and you don't have any kids?" The next thing I knew, I was responding back, " Because I don't want any damn kids." It came out before I realized it, but she had pissed me completely off. I normally don't use that kind of language when angry. She knew she was out of line asking me that question so she apologized.

Sometimes that is unfortunately how you have to put it to people who cant get a friggin clue.

I would rather someone know beforehand they dont want kids and take measures to prevent an unwanted pregnancy from happening than to have the kids and then decide later it wasnt a good idea for them.

[dreamseeker]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

Question for everyone responding: Does looking at the world and what's going on around us (unsafe school environments, child abuse, preganancy, exposure to adult material at early ages etc) and how 'quickly' we see the world change around us also deters anyone from having kids?

my feelings stem from my own childhood and upbringing.

[WCsweet<3]

Originally Posted by AGDee

Nobody should have kids out of pressure from someone else (including a spouse) because it's HARD to be a parent, even when it's what you really want. It takes an inordinate amount of patience, money, time and sacrifice. I love my kids and have loved being a parent most of the time but I'm also counting down the years (5!) until they are both in college and I will have my life all to myself again. There are a lot of people who think I'm strange because I'm looking forward to having an "empty nest", but after almost 16 years of this incredible responsibility, I'm ready to do my own thing without thinking about anybody else's needs first. I think it will be a liberating thing, not a scary thing, but then, I have an identity outside of "daughter's mom" or "son's mom".

The bold is why I don't want kids. I like my life. If I want to go to the beach on my day off, I don't want to have to worry about getting back in time to pick my kids up from school. I don't want the responsibility of teaching my kids how to do things correctly or know what to say when something happens. You aren't just having a cute little baby, you are having something that will grow and you have to teach it to be a responsible adult.

On the topic of comments on the "no-kid" stance:
"Oh whatever, you will be a great mom."
"You say that now. Just wait until you get older."
"But children are life's greatest accomplishment!"

I like dogs. I can do dogs. The idea of children is too much responsibility and... well many other things. Don't even get me started on pregnancy. Ick.

[AGDee]

I feel those of you who are complaining about doctors being reluctant to perform more permanent birth control methods. When I got divorced, I asked my doctor about getting my tubes tied (at age 37!) and was vehemently told "No way". I already HAD two kids and I absolutely knew that I never wanted to have another one. But my doctor said "Do you know how many women come in at age 40, are remarried and NOW want their tubals reversed because they want a baby with their new husband?" Well, here I am, at age 44, still having to deal with less effective methods because that woman didn't think I knew what I wanted at the time. I definitely get it! I'm going to ask about Essure the next time I go in.

[deepimpact2]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I feel those of you who are complaining about doctors being reluctant to perform more permanent birth control methods. When I got divorced, I asked my doctor about getting my tubes tied (at age 37!) and was vehemently told "No way". I already HAD two kids and I absolutely knew that I never wanted to have another one. But my doctor said "Do you know how many women come in at age 40, are remarried and NOW want their tubals reversed because they want a baby with their new husband?" Well, here I am, at age 44, still having to deal with less effective methods because that woman didn't think I knew what I wanted at the time. I definitely get it! I'm going to ask about Essure the next time I go in.

That's really too bad. Well try to look at it this way, I think Essure is supposed to be even more effective than having tubes tied, so maybe in the long run, the doctor's trifling behavior will work out better for you. (Please don't think I'm making light of your valid frustration with the doctor because that is not my intent at all. )

[Jimmy Choo]

Originally Posted by deepimpact2

2. Because we both lost our moms at a young age (22) she thinks that I won't feel "whole" again until I have a baby of my own. She feels that way because that is what happened with her. She never wanted kids either. Then once she got married, she changed her mind. She said when she had her first baby, she finally felt "whole" again after losing her mom.

It's stuff like this that complete enrages me. I lost my mom when i was 17. I didn't want kids at all then and I'm only lukewarm to the idea now. A kid won't make anyone "whole" who is grieving a loss. The pain gets easier but you never fill that void!!! I would have lost my crap if someone said that to me.