What defines a helicopter parent?

[ThetaDancer]

Originally Posted by srmom

You know, I may just be in a bad mood or something, but I'm really beginning to get sick of these Helicopter Mom threads. From my perspective, many of the moms who are being accused of helicoptering are not really doing so. They have come on to this "open" forum because their kids are rushing and they have questions. In most cases they are encouraged to post what's going on with their daughters, and then when they show the slightest worry or concern, they're accused of helicoptering. There are some who attack at the slightest sign of this - I'll call them Black Hawks, they are perfect fighting machines, and boy howdy, they'll shoot you down at the slightest sign of weakness.

As parents, sometimes we make the right decisions and sometimes we don't. Over a child's lifetime in your home, you basically have 18 years of decision making, hopefully you make more right ones than wrong. As for my own kids, I made worse decisions with the first one - probably helicoptering more than I should because I was a newbie and scared to make a mistake. I learned from him and have become much more standoffish with my other kids to the point that yesterday, after my middle son had moved into his place in Austin, where he hadn't bothered to have the electricity or water turned on (but he DID remember to set up cable - shows where his priorities are) he's on his own. So what happens? He's sitting in the dark with no plumbing with me telling him, "It's your problem, you fix it, but I advise you to use your neighbors toilet for sanitary reasons."

Now, as to my oldest who I "helicoptered", he is a senior in college with a full time job, paying his own rent, utilities, and expenses - he never asks for help or money, he does everything on his own, so I guess my hovering didn't hurt him in the long run.

All the judging could possibly be way off base, and if this forum should be restricted to only those without children or those who only post the "right" responses, then perhaps moderators should block them.

I don't really think of "helicoptering" that way, at all.

When I think of helicoptering, particularly in terms of Greek Chat, I'm reminded of those moms who do things like call individual chapters or the Greek Life office when their daughters get cut. Or the moms who can't be excited for their daughters when they do get a bid because they're still busy sulking over the fact that their daughters got cut from a different chapter. Clearly there is a huge difference between this and sanitary plumbing conditions. Srmom, your examples remind me more of a parent who is being helpful while some of the helimoms we've seen on GC in the past have been just awful examples for their children.

Another example is one I've seen in the dance world. I've danced and cheered my whole life, and when I was helping to coach my old high school team, I was on the receiving end of the bad behavior from helimoms. These women (well...and men, too, since there was one dad who was pretty obnoxious) would be up in arms if their daughter didn't get to be front and center 100% of the time. Of course they did it in the name of wanting what was best for their child, but the obnoxious behavior that they displayed was anything but helpful. Meanwhile, there were the moms who were extremely positively supportive (hosting spaghetti dinners, arranging carpools, always cheering the girls on) and no one thought of these parents as helimoms at all.

[ThetaPrincess24]

Originally Posted by srmom

yesterday, after my middle son had moved into his place in Austin, where he hadn't bothered to have the electricity or water turned on (but he DID remember to set up cable - shows where his priorities are)

That sounds like my two sons.

[ThetaDancer]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

As an example, toddlers often stumble and fall. They will look at their parents for cues as to whether or not to be upset. I taught myself to say "Bingo!" whenever one of mine fell down, so they quickly learned to brush themselves off and get up again. Had I run with an icepack and band-aid to them every time they fell, they would have taken their cue from me and cried and wailed at every little bump. My rule - no blood, no band-aid.

This reminded me of a kid I used to babysit for who was top-heavy (had the biggest head in the world and a normal sized body). He would always fall down but never seriously get hurt and he would then look to me to decide if he should be upset or not. I made a point of saying things like "WOW! Wasn't that fun??? Such an adventure!" He would just laugh and carry on until the next time it happened.

[ForeverRoses]

I totally see a distinction between helicopter parent and worried parent.

In terms of recruitment, for me, and helicopter parent is one that found all the recs (and beats themselves up if they missed one), filled out all the forms and sent in everything themselves. They are also trying to tell their daughter what groups to go back to no matter what the kid wants.

A worried parent would have helped (but not taken the lead) get recs, reminded daughter to make sure to send everything in on time, and then is a sympathetic ear for the daughter when she is trying to make the decisions on her own. If the parent is greek, they might have tried to explain the system to their daughter.

I don't think helicopter parents are a new thing, I just think it is easier for parents to helicopter now with cell phones and the internet. When I was in college, helicoptering was limited to calling the dorm room phone. In fact my in-laws were total helicopter parents- they even tried once to ground my sister-in-law while she was away at college (it obviously didn't work). They told her she could go to class, the dining hall, and the library but other than that she had to be in her room. They would call the room periodically to make sure she was there, but her roomate would cover for her if she wasn't.

[srmom]

Like I said - I'm in a rotten mood - y'all's posts are really all constructive and I just reacted to the title of the thread and not the content of the posts. Mea Culpa and carry on. BTW, I agree with this:

(1) the mom or dad who comes to GC with questions to better understand how rush/recruitment works, what's involved, how it's changed since they were in school, etc., so that they have a good point of reference when talking with their children and can be a good parental sounding board if asked and if appropriate; and

(2) the mom or dad who are running the show for the kids and don't wait to be asked or worry about whether they're keeping the kids from making their own decisions and their own mistakes.
The former parents know when to say "you've got to figure this out/take care of this yourself." The latter don't.

At the same time, there are some kids like Dionysus who recognize that their parents are overprotective (but still love them) and live their lives on their own, and there are others who get bullied by over bearing parents and let it happen.

This is an age old story - think of all the characters in history who have been led down the wrong (or right) path by overbearing parents - heck, Shakespeare plays are full of them! And that was way before cell phones

[srmom]

SOPi that is just tragic! I'd give you a hug if I could. I wouldn't call what happened to you as "helicoptering" that seems more like emotional child abuse

I hope you have gained strength and wisdom from your experiences and that you will not let them burden you, but use them to help you go on to live the happiest of lives.

[kddani]

Washington Post chat on how not to be a helicopter parent: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn...080502165.html

[cuteASAbug]

I think that sometimes the kids are as much to blame for it as the parents. They are comfortable with the idea of having their mothers do everything for them and don't want it to change. I had a roommate in college whose mother would drive up once a week to visit to do her laundry and cook her dinner. She would also call her mother and ask her to call her professors to get them to change her grades or to call the housing office and complain when she had problems with another roommate. At our convention last month, someone was discussing statistics and helicopter parents, and said that the majority of incoming college freshmen feel that their parents aren't being involved enough in their lives and want them to be more active. This sort of scares me.

[NutBrnHair]

Originally Posted by cuteASAbug

I think that sometimes the kids are as much to blame for it as the parents.

I totally agree with you -- I certainly could have controlled my mother had she dared to embarass me this way!

[Tom Earp]

So, would todays Moms be more over bearing\protective today than say 30-40 years ago?

Is technology really the reason?

Or maybe some of the Moms are trying living a life that they did not have.

[cuteASAbug]

Originally Posted by Tom Earp

So, would todays Moms be more over bearing\protective today than say 30-40 years ago?

Is technology really the reason?

Or maybe some of the Moms are trying living a life that they did not have.

I definitely think that technology plays a large role in this. 30-40 years ago when you went to college out of state, long distance calls were limited and expensive so you had to learn how to fend for yourself.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by cuteASAbug

I definitely think that technology plays a large role in this. 30-40 years ago when you went to college out of state, long distance calls were limited and expensive so you had to learn how to fend for yourself.

LOL. Long distance calls weren't that "limited" 30 or 40 years ago. Even if more expensive than now, they were pretty easy to make -- people did it all the time. (I'm not even sure they were more expensive than now -- back then, we didn't have cell-phone service to pay for.)

What's different is that if you weren't where the phone was, no call. Cellphones make constant helicoptering easier, but they're not the reason for it.

As for going to college out of state, 30 or 40 years ago, most heli-parents wouldn't have allowed that -- the kid would likely be within a 2-hour drive.

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

Originally Posted by cuteASAbug

I think that sometimes the kids are as much to blame for it as the parents. They are comfortable with the idea of having their mothers do everything for them and don't want it to change. I had a roommate in college whose mother would drive up once a week to visit to do her laundry and cook her dinner.

This reminds me of my college roommate. Her mom only came down at the beginning and end of semesters, but her mom did baby her when she was home by cooking for her and doing her laundry. So senior year, she's living in an apartment and not a dorm, and she didn't know that jarred pasta sauce needed to be put in the refridgerator after opening. She had been keeping her opened jar of pasta sauce in the cupboard. She also must've thought that dishes magically did themselves, because she never washed dishes or silverware all year.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by cuteASAbug

At our convention last month, someone was discussing statistics and helicopter parents, and said that the majority of incoming college freshmen feel that their parents aren't being involved enough in their lives and want them to be more active. This sort of scares me.

I always felt I didn't do enough "healthy rebelling" when I was a teenager (probably because I was an only child and you're so dependent on your parents' approval). But some of these kids today baffle me. It's one of two extremes - either they're doing everything behind their parents' backs, or nothing. It reminds me of the part in "Say Anything" where Ione Skye told her dad she lost her virginity - I can't even watch it, I get so squicked out.

Originally Posted by SOPi_Jawbreaker

This reminds me of my college roommate. Her mom only came down at the beginning and end of semesters, but her mom did baby her when she was home by cooking for her and doing her laundry. So senior year, she's living in an apartment and not a dorm, and she didn't know that jarred pasta sauce needed to be put in the refridgerator after opening. She had been keeping her opened jar of pasta sauce in the cupboard. She also must've thought that dishes magically did themselves, because she never washed dishes or silverware all year.

As far as that goes, there are people who've been raised with maids, etc that probably would be the same way.

I don't know, I think there's a difference between doing laundry, cooking etc for your kids - babying them - and being a helicopter parent. Cooking your kid a meal is one thing, calling your kid when they're at the mall and asking where they're going to eat/telling them where to eat is another.

[ComradesTrue]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I don't know, I think there's a difference between doing laundry, cooking etc for your kids - babying them - and being a helicopter parent. Cooking your kid a meal is one thing, calling your kid when they're at the mall and asking where they're going to eat/telling them where to eat is another.

Exactly.

And this also gets to SWTX's original question as to where do we draw the line.