Single ladies, how do you respond to "why aren't you married yet?"

[AOII_LB93]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Of course I know that, but in my social circle, the generally accepted timeline of events is:

1. Meet boyfriend in undergrad (junior year)
2. Get engaged shortly before graduation.
3. Plan wedding for 1-2 years.
4. Marry
5. Buy home soon after
6. Have first child before age 30.

I've sort of broken the generally accepted timeline. I'm one of those people who feels like you can't put timelines on that type of stuff, and that we just can't try to plan our lives. Do I want all those things? Yep. But I refuse to stress myself over them and generally feel like I am still young and my bio clock is not "ticking."

If you've sort of broken the generally accepted timeline, I've shot it to hell.
1. Met then BF my 2nd semester of grad school.
2. Got engaged 5 years later
3. Married after 8 months (so there we sped it up)
4. Married on 6th anniversary of 2nd date.12/31/05
5. Just bought house (this past july)
6. Kids in 2010 maybe? (I just turned 32)

Why is it anyone's business? I hate this line of questioning...I'm getting the "when are you having kids?" all the damn time now. How do they know we haven't been trying and it's not working?We haven't, but seriously how do they know this? It's just intrusive and rude all the way around.
Our society has issues in thinking people are not complete if they are not married with children.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by AOII_LB93

Why is it anyone's business? I hate this line of questioning...I'm getting the "when are you having kids?" all the damn time now. How do they know we haven't been trying and it's not working?We haven't, but seriously how do they know this? It's just intrusive and rude all the way around.
Our society has issues in thinking people are not complete if they are not married with children.

I agree. I also think it's rude to ask things like that. Like, the most recent person to ask me about being married was a girl from my HS. I came into her Express where she works and she started a conversation with me. She is 24, married, with 2 kids. We were just talking about what we had been up to lately since I had not seen her since I graduated. We were talking about school, and she was saying that she is going back after her son gets older, and in her next breath, "So you don't have any little ones?" I smiled and said "Well, no." She responds with "Well when are you going to get married and settle down, you're getting old!" I simply changed the subject to the store's new premium denim line lol.

It bugged me because like AOII_LB93 said, she just doesn't know me well enough to ask that. How did she know I didn't just lose my fiance in a plane crash? How did she know I didn't just have a miscarriage? It's just a generally rude line of questioning.

[OneTimeSBX]

college is not a dating/find-a-man workshop like it used to be. half my friends went to college just to get a husband! heck, for 35k i will take time out and personally find you a man lol! my sister is 23 and constantly gets that question. she also doesnt date AT ALL so i think theres a difference between when we ask and when other people ask. ours is more out of concern lol!

and im engaged with two kids. i took the non-conventional route and still get asked when we are getting married. i always respond "as soon as you donate some money towards a wedding" and that usually clears things up!

[DreamfulSpirit]

I've been dating my b/f since March 2007, and now that we've been dating over a year, some of my friends are coming up to me (even some of my single friends) and asking when are we gonna get married.

I turned 23 in March, he's going to be 28 in July. People don't realize that we're just taking our time and not rushing anything. I do want to get married, but neither one of us is ready for it and we like where our relationship is right now.

[pinkyphimu]

I always said it was because I had too many things that I wanted to accomplish and I didn't *need* a man to accomplish them. Needing a man was not one of the things I wanted to accomplish!

I have always been super independent, so my family never ever asked me. They would always say to do what I wanted to do before I ever thought of settling down. I was in a relationship in my late 20s and really thought I was going to get married. Turns out that was not the case, but a few years later, I am registering for china at macy's! LOL. I truly couldn't imagine being married prior to now.

[violetpretty]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

... She is 24, married, with 2 kids. ...She responds with "Well when are you going to get married and settle down, you're getting old!"

Oh the irony. Who is the old one now?

[honeychile]

FWIW, my response used to be, "Well, you've obviously not introduced me to the right person yet." Put the ball in their court!

[ComradesTrue]

KSU-

I agree. This is a completely rude question. As someone who didn't marry until I was 31 and didn't have my first child until a week before my 34th birthday, trust me, I have heard both the marriage and kid question a time or two (or 600).

Here's the thing. I wouldn't trade my 20s for *anything.* I traveled freely, saw the country, advanced in my career, and learned how to be self-sufficient in car maintenence, computer/electronic issues, financial matters, etc. I went to tons of concerts, enjoyed a few too many happy hours, and did plenty "spur of the moment" activities. I met tons of other women who were also single (living in Dallas, being single in your 20s is not unusual) as well as the opportunity to meet lots of different men too. It is unbelievable what a different- and better- person I was at 29 than I was at 24.

By contrast, my friends who married straight out of college were either divorced or not happy in their marriage by age 30. That is not to say that that is the case for everyone who marries younger, but it certainly was for my circle. These people were the ones at 25 making me feel guilty for not being married, yet by 30 they were openly jealous of the freedom that I had.

I usually told the nosy people that I was enjoying the opportunity to do things while I was single that I might not have the opportunity to if I was married and certainly if I had kids. I also pointed out how miserable my married friends were, and that I *could* be married if I had wanted to (which was true...) but we would now be talking about my divorce. That usually shut the people up.

I do think I matters where you live... both Dallas and Nashville were very "single-friendly" and even once I was married I found I still had plenty of single friends. I now live in a town where the norm is to marry at 22 and to start having kids right away. So... everyone I meet that is my age has been married for 12-13 years, have 4 kids, and the oldest is 11. Even though they are the same age as me... they just "seem" 10 years older. They look at me like I have 2 heads when I mention that I only have 1 child (and he is only 1 yr old). These are super-nice people, but having a conversation with them about anything but kids is next to impossible... because it is all they know. We just have different life experiences.

Therefore, I bring it back to my original point... "I wouldn't trade my 20s for anything."

Best of luck to you... enjoy your singleness, and don't worry about the questions. Once you do decide to get married it will just turn to the kid question, and then it will turn to the 2nd kid question. Since the questions never really stop... just enjoy where you are in life and have fun.

[nittanyalum]

Originally Posted by Blondie93

KSU-

I agree. This is a completely rude question. As someone who didn't marry until I was 31 and didn't have my first child until a week before my 34th birthday, trust me, I have heard both the marriage and kid question a time or two (or 600).

Here's the thing. I wouldn't trade my 20s for *anything.* I traveled freely, saw the country, advanced in my career, and learned how to be self-sufficient in car maintenence, computer/electronic issues, financial matters, etc. I went to tons of concerts, enjoyed a few too many happy hours, and did plenty "spur of the moment" activities. I met tons of other women who were also single (living in Dallas, being single in your 20s is not unusual) as well as the opportunity to meet lots of different men too. It is unbelievable what a different- and better- person I was at 29 than I was at 24.

By contrast, my friends who married straight out of college were either divorced or not happy in their marriage by age 30. That is not to say that that is the case for everyone who marries younger, but it certainly was for my circle. These people were the ones at 25 making me feel guilty for not being married, yet by 30 they were openly jealous of the freedom that I had.

I usually told the nosy people that I was enjoying the opportunity to do things while I was single that I might not have the opportunity to if I was married and certainly if I had kids. I also pointed out how miserable my married friends were, and that I *could* be married if I had wanted to (which was true...) but we would now be talking about my divorce. That usually shut the people up.

I do think I matters where you live... both Dallas and Nashville were very "single-friendly" and even once I was married I found I still had plenty of single friends. I now live in a town where the norm is to marry at 22 and to start having kids right away. So... everyone I meet that is my age has been married for 12-13 years, have 4 kids, and the oldest is 11. Even though they are the same age as me... they just "seem" 10 years older. They look at me like I have 2 heads when I mention that I only have 1 child (and he is only 1 yr old). These are super-nice people, but having a conversation with them about anything but kids is next to impossible... because it is all they know. We just have different life experiences.

Therefore, I bring it back to my original point... "I wouldn't trade my 20s for anything."

Best of luck to you... enjoy your singleness, and don't worry about the questions. Once you do decide to get married it will just turn to the kid question, and then it will turn to the 2nd kid question. Since the questions never really stop... just enjoy where you are in life and have fun.

I agree with every single word of this. More than once, I started to reply to this thread with a "keep your 20s to yourself!" post, but you put it all into words perfectly, Blondie. I loved every minute of my 20s, had the time of my life, learned what it felt like to take complete control of my life and excelled in my professional life. I met my husband when I was 30, married when I was 32 and truly felt like I knew who I was and was better able to adjust to sharing my life with someone. I've often said there's no way I'd still be married if I'd stayed with the guy I was with at 21, 23, 26, etc. Ignore people who act like you "should" be married before you're 30. If it's for you, great, but if it's not, don't rush it. You will be glad that you can look back and say how much you lived and enjoyed your freedom in your 20s, to me, those are the years you really grow and develop as an individual.

[ASUADPi]

I honestly despise the question. I'm 29, not married, not even dating anyone right now. It has taken me a loooonnnnngggg time to be content in my life and be happy with what I have accomplished. I mean literally like 3 weeks ago I made the decision that I'm just not in the mood to date right now (mainly because I have a lot going on in my life right now and I really don't want to add a relationship to everything else). And you know what, I'm happy, stressed (due to work) but happy.

For the longest time my mom and dad would bother me about getting married and having kids (mostly my mom). She finally backed off when (I think) my dad had a conversation with her back in October. I was bummed because my younger cousin was getting married, my brother was engaged, etc... and my dad was like "I'm so proud of you, you've graduated college with your bachelors and masters, which your brother's haven't done and you've bought two houses". I started to realize then that I don't need a guy to make me happy.

Don't get me wrong, I want to get married and I want to have kids. But as my dad so kindly pointed out to me "you don't need to be married to have a child all you need is a sperm bank" (thanks dad). But the reality is, he's right. If the right guy comes along, great! But I've come to the point in my life that I'm not going to put any of my dreams on hold, I'm going to achieve them, whether I'm married or not.

Thankfully I've got a very supportive and liberal family, so we're all good

[amanda6035]

Originally Posted by Blondie93

I wouldn't trade my 20s for *anything.*

Me either. I got married this past October, just shy of my 27th birthday. I had several friends who got married, and divorced, or are still unhappily married who got married before they were 25. In fact, I cant think of a single friend of mine who DID get married before 25, who is still married, happily.

My friend Melissa married her HS sweetheart at 21. They didnt make it a year. They didnt make it 6 months. He was a complete prick of a mama's boy anyway. (Told her she was a bad wife because she did things differently than his mom - they got into arguments about the proper way to fold towels.)

Jennifer also married at 21. She and Jon were friends of mine from the navy. She shipped out for a 6 month deployment 2 months after their wedding. By the time she had returned, he had been cheating on her, and so her reaction was turnabout was fair play. They tried to work things out for over a year, but he was dragging her on a string. They finally divorced last June, but SURPRISE, they are dating again now. Who knows what's up with them?

Sarah married at 22, 6 months after graduating college. She's still married, but she's not happy. Adam has dominated her life. In fact, for my bridal shower, my bridesmaids had all the women who wanted to, to write me a letter and seal it up and put on the envelope when the appropriate time was for me to open it. She and I had grown apart, didnt see each other as often as we used to. Her letter to me said "Open when you are lonely." I opened it about a month and a half ago, and it said something along the lines of "Call me, I miss you. Adam has dominated my life Adam has his friends and my friends are gone. Don't let your husband do the same to you that I've allowed Adam to do to me."

My husband was married once before. He married at 19. Within 3 months they weren't living together anymore, and for whatever reason, they didnt actually divorce until about 2 years later.

Luckily, none of these friends I mentioned above had kids....but I have some casual acquaintances from high school who didnt go to college, got married within 2 years of graduating high school, and have 2+ kids today. Do I envy them? Yeah right - not in the least. Thanks, I have a life of my own to live before I worry about feeding another mouth, thanks. I loved being able to go out with my friends whenever the heck I wanted. I loved being in school, and having spring break, and going on a cruise. I loved being able to drop whatever it was, and fly across the country to see an old navy friend's Chief Pinning ceremony, just because. There are too many things to hold you back once you settle down. Your 20s are not the time to do it. Yeah, I'm 27 and married now, which is earlier than some, or alot of people, but even if I wasn't I dont think it would have been the end of the world.

Live your life and have fun for you while you can. Screw what anybody else says or thinks.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by amanda6035

Her letter to me said "Open when you are lonely." I opened it about a month and a half ago, and it said something along the lines of "Call me, I miss you. Adam has dominated my life Adam has his friends and my friends are gone. Don't let your husband do the same to you that I've allowed Adam to do to me."

Wow. That is so unbelievably sad.