Between Sex, Finances and Communication, which one is it? What would it be for you?

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I very rarely hear about communication being the main problem.

It probably is, though. Like nittanyalum and others have said, if you can communicate well, you can probably work out the finance differences.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

It probably is, though. Like nittanyalum and others have said, if you can communicate well, you can probably work out the finance differences.

Disagree.

If you've been raised to scrimp and save and never buy anything on credit, you're going to have a BIG problem if you marry someone whose motto is basically "Charge now, worry later."

You can communicate about it until you're blue in the face, but if that's your financial style, or unless you're rebelling (i.e. my parents were tightwads, I'm going to spend like Trump) it's awfully hard to change. It's kind of like faking sexual attraction to someone.

The first Mr. 33 and I had major financial issues, and this was when we were 18 & 21. I can't even IMAGINE what a clusterphruck it would have been if we'd gotten married.

[MysticCat]

^^^ Still have to disagree with you. If you and your significant other have such different approaches to finance and you don't figure it out and work it out prior to marriage, the real problem is not that you have different financial styles, but that you failed to communicate openly and honestly about whether your different financial styles could find a compromise or otherwise co-habitate.

Sure, sometimes you get married with your eyes as open as you though they could be, and then you get a financial surprise. But I still say that, more often than not, good communication can lead to some kind of solution, even if its completely separate finances. I know plenty of couples who do that.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

^^^ Still have to disagree with you. If you and your significant other have such different approaches to finance and you don't figure it out and work it out prior to marriage, the real problem is not that you have different financial styles, but that you failed to communicate openly and honestly about whether your different financial styles could find a compromise or otherwise co-habitate.

That's what I'm saying, I don't think this is always something you CAN work out or change about yourself, anymore than you can change the color of your eyes. The separate accounts thing has its merit, yes, but you can't tell me that if a hubby overspent and had creditors that his wife wouldn't try to help him in some way.

You can think you're "communicating" and talk about it and work out a plan...but that can go right out the window. Like I said, too many people think "if we talk it out and love each other enough we can make it work" and that's just not always the case, even if both parties really want to and really try. I feel the same way about sex, FWIW.

[MysticCat]

Oh I would never deny that, with any of the three, sometimes it just can't be worked out. I'm just saying that nothing can be worked out without communication, by which I mean honest, two-way communication. That's why I say it's the most important.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Oh I would never deny that, with any of the three, sometimes it just can't be worked out. I'm just saying that nothing can be worked out without communication, by which I mean honest, two-way communication. That's why I say it's the most important.

and again - I think we are answering 2 different questions. I am answering what I think causes the most divorces. You are answering what's the most important in a relationship. The 2 are not necessarily the same answer.

[honeychile]

FWIW, most divorce recovery therapists would answer that both communication and finances are the main causes of divorce. Even when there's a catalyst such as an affair or abuse, it's the way that the couple handles the communication and financial aspects that are the proof of the pudding. Only the death of a child is more critical to a marriage, in the long run.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by 33girl

and again - I think we are answering 2 different questions. I am answering what I think causes the most divorces. You are answering what's the most important in a relationship. The 2 are not necessarily the same answer.

Maybe, or maybe it's tomato/tomahto. I agree the original question wasn't that clear, although she asked "what's most important to you."

But sorry, I'm not willing to give completely. I think that if the question is what causes the most divorces, while finances may be the answer most often given (I wonder, is it?), communication is still often (not always) just as much a reason as finances, if not a more fundamental one.

[PrettyBoy]

What we have to realize with communication is men and women communicate differently. A lot of times women want their men to communicate the same way they communicate with other women and vise versa. Women enjoy the process of reaching a goal, while men want to get the goal as soon as possible, forget the process. Though men and women are different, we are yet the same. The same time, effort, and attention it took for a man to date his significant other long term is the same he needs to keep her feeling secure and happy within the relationship. Communication is meant to be a blessing in a marriage, not a torment. I believe conflicting expectations are the source of most unhappiness in marriage. With that said, what it boils down to is through sickness and in health, for richer and/or poorer, rather it's based on finances, communication or sex, marriage requires devotion and a mature ability to commit when it's the last thing you want to do.

When seen through the eyes of love, communication is the lifeline for any marriage. Period.