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You are going through what will be one of the most difficult things you'll ever experience so most of your feelings (about thinking you should be home, having your emotions bouncing all over the place, etc) are to be expected. I lost my mom in September and am just now starting to feel almost normal again. You are going to have freak outs when you least expect them and will have them even more when you're under stress. I can't even imagine going through recruitment during this time. Don't be hard on yourself. Do what feels right. Freak out when you need to freak out. It's all part of the process. Consider grief counseling if it feels overwhelming. I hope things work out in your favor.
<hugs>
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