Gifts that hurt your feelings

[James]

If he is good in other dimensions of your relationships you may just want to get over it.

You might have put in thousands of hours of thought to his gift . . but well he probably doesn't care.

For many guys this just isn't an area they care a lot about.

In some ways, conventional romantic gifts exist so men don't have to put a lot of thought into eliciting the "awwwwww" effect. Jewelry, flowers, and cards require almost nothing except money and a minuscule amount of time. With the internet and credit cards its even easier.

I do agree that its indicative of a lack of understanding of romantic relationships, or maybe even just general lazy laziness or lack of energy.

Thats why I am saying you need to evaluate the rest of his actions. If he generally never goes the extra mile, or even worse doesn't understand that there is an extra mile, you have to ask yourself whether that is what you want.

Originally Posted by fantASTic

What do you do when you get a gift for an anniversary or something that CLEARLY has no thought put into it?

I ask because I just celebrated my one-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I spent a lot of time finding the perfect gift for him, only to find that he bought me a sweatshirt that was WAY too big and was under $20. We tried to take it back to get one that was the right size, but they didn't even have one that fit me. I know it's silly, because it's just stuff, but it really hurt my feelings because he bought it the day of and didn't think about what I would like at all. I don't want to tell him and hurt HIS feelings, either. Ugh.

Advice?

[AlphaFrog]

Maybe try to figure out WHY he got you the sweatshirt...

My husband got me an iron last year for Christmas. With 2 kids, I don't have time to iron, and I don't wear those kind of clothes - 98% of the time it's jeans/cords/no-iron slacks and a sweater or cotton blouse. The dryer suffices for my purposes. HOWEVER - since the year before, I had asked for a handheld, cordless vaccuum, and the year before that I asked for a set of knives, and the year before that it was caephlon pots and pans, an iron would be pretty logical in that sequence. And, even though I have yet to use it, I was pretty impressed by the thought process (even if he did go out on Christmas Eve and get it ).

[SWTXBelle]

Men do tend to be more gift-impaired. It might help to explain to him that a gift sends a message about how the giver feels about the receipient. So, a sweatshirt (just the name - yuck) doesn't say the kind of romantic things you would like an anniversary gift to say. I've written elsewhere about the man who bought a Waterford razor for his girlfriend one Valentine's Day - sending the message "Hey, honey, I think you are hairy!". The gift was returned, and the relationship ended. (!)
Context matters - most of the time, an electric appliance might not be a good idea, but if, like Alpha Frog, you had asked for one, it would indicate he was LISTENING to you. Is he friends with any of your friends? If so, he could ask them for help. But it may just be he isn't a good gift giver. My husband isn't - and it's just something I've learned to live with. If I really want something, I buy it and tell him to consider my gift taken care of!
Look at the overall guy - does his gift impairment indicate an overall lack of consideration, or is it just a minor flaw?

[AlwaysSAI]

I find it most useful to give men a list of a few things ie:

For our anniversary/christmas/hannakuh/birthday...you get it

I want: Item A, Item B, or Item C

Then, he knows exactly what to look for, there is still a little bit of suspense involved and everyone leaves happy.

I know it's not as 'romantic' as most people like, but it works for me pretty well.

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by AlwaysSAI

I find it most useful to give men a list of a few things ie:

For our anniversary/christmas/hannakuh/birthday...you get it

I want: Item A, Item B, or Item C

Then, he knows exactly what to look for, there is still a little bit of suspense involved and everyone leaves happy.

I know it's not as 'romantic' as most people like, but it works for me pretty well.

exactly....I ask my lady to give me an idea of what she wants...she may get them...she may not...and actually it doesn't hurt to be attentive when out shopping...if she lights up at something and doesn't get it...make a mental note. if she something in a slaes paper and doesn't get it....ditto.

Now if dude here forgot his one year anniversary and all he could do was think of a 20 buck oversized sweatshirt....eeeeehhhh..yeah....he would be in the doghouse...but I say talk to him..you may have a right to be angry but give him a chance to make it up and he better get it right....heheheh

[Cardinal026]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Look at the overall guy - does his gift impairment indicate an overall lack of consideration, or is it just a minor flaw?

I think this is a good point to look at, along with AlphaFrog's story about the iron. My fiance (still can't get used to saying that word!) and I have been dating for over 7 years...I also put a LOT of thought into gifts. Last Christmas was our first year living together, and I was so excited for weeks about us doing each other's Christmas stockings. Christmas morning, his was overflowing. Mine had a box of Poptarts. My feelings were hurt at the time, until he pointed out the humor (still, to him only, ha) of my favorite breakfast being the gift. He actually went out and bought them especially for that. I'm likely never going to get a thoughtful or creative present for anniversaries or holidays...but I have a beautiful ring and perfect relationship, so that outweighs everything else to me in the long run.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Men do tend to be more gift-impaired.

I disagree. What's wrong with a romantic dinner from her favorite place to dine, and a gift card from her favorite place to shop? That way she can pick out whatever she wants. Sounds pretty simple to me.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I disagree. What's wrong with a romantic dinner from her favorite place to dine, and a gift card from her favorite place to shop? That way she can pick out whatever she wants. Sounds pretty simple to me.

Gift cards are so impersonal... I want to know if you struggled and put some effort to find a gift for me, even though it may just be a card with a love note in it.

If you purchase my gift at the last minute, what does that say about how you'd treat me? Like the last minute? Or an after-thought?

At least with a card, where you write XXXOOOXXX and it has some cute figures and says "Happy _______________", Love _______________ then that gives me reason to at least feel "secure" in OUR relationship...

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Gift cards are so impersonal... I want to know if you struggled and put some effort to find a gift for me, even though it may just be a card with a love note in it.

If you purchase my gift at the last minute, what does that say about how you'd treat me? Like the last minute? Or an after-thought?

At least with a card, where you write XXXOOOXXX and it has some cute figures and says "Happy _______________", Love _______________ then that gives me reason to at least feel "secure" in OUR relationship...

I'd rather get my girl a nice gift card that she can spend on whatever she desires rather than a $5.00 sweatshirt "the day of".

Something like a trip to the spa, or a nice massage. A gift where she can be pampered. I think she should be pampered on her anniversary, and it should be an all day thing for her. Those are some of the things I would do, but everyone is different.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I'd rather get my girl a nice gift card that she can spend on whatever she desires than a $5.00 sweatshirt the day of.

Well, if all the guy can afford is a $5 sweatshirt, that's one thing. After a year of dating, he should have done better. I still find "gift cards" to stores from my "S/O" impersonal. That is my opinion.

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Something like a trip to the spa, or a nice massage. A gift where she can be pampered. I think she should be pampered on her anniversary, and it should be an all day thing for her. Those are some of the things I would do, but everyone is different.

If you were to do something like that, you kinna have to set up a "DATE" with her for the entire day. I would suggest you go out of town to like 50-100 miles out to a "resort". More "gaming casino's" are incorporating spa services, too. If there is a "snow resort" that is not too far, then go there. It would be a place you'd drive to, now. I would not do it in the same city because folks have their own people they like to use for those services. Then, I would not just "hand her" the certificate for the services, because what the spas do is rip folks off and that's not just for waxings...

For services, I would get a menu of items. The most basic is the 30 minute to 45 minute swedish massage, with a basic facial and a pedicure--not manicure, because many women have arcylic nails--but I remember you date an "natural" type of girl...

I only say this is because my husband got me spa services and they tried to jack me until my husband called them and told them to stick it. And the place he sent me was rather ritzy...

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

At least with a card, where you write XXXOOOXXX and it has some cute figures and says "Happy _______________", Love _______________ then that gives me reason to at least feel "secure" in OUR relationship...

That's because you're a rare good woman.

[KSUViolet06]

Guys can be a a little gift-impaired.

That is why I always just TELL the guy a few things I would like for my birthday/Christmas/whatever. This way I don't end up with something I don't want AND he still gets to surprise me (since I gave him options).

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Gift cards are so impersonal...

Agreed...if you go thru all the trouble to get a gift card....just give the cash instead.

Think of it like this...getting the gift card almost locks you in to whatever store you got the gift card from.

Sidebar: 2 years ago, mo cowrokers and I tried to do a secret Santa. I bowed out because everyone was trying to exchange gift cards and that didn't make sense to me. It's like giving cash or better yet exchanging cash for cash.

[fyrnymph]

But just forking over cash is VERY impersonal. I mean, it takes no effort at all. Although cash in a card with a heartfelt message written inside might be okay.

[catiebug]

AlphaFrog--

I understand so much here, but I have to say that was the sweetest story. He listened to you and got you what, in his mind, you wanted. That tells me he put some thought into the gift.

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

Maybe try to figure out WHY he got you the sweatshirt...

My husband got me an iron last year for Christmas. With 2 kids, I don't have time to iron, and I don't wear those kind of clothes - 98% of the time it's jeans/cords/no-iron slacks and a sweater or cotton blouse. The dryer suffices for my purposes. HOWEVER - since the year before, I had asked for a handheld, cordless vaccuum, and the year before that I asked for a set of knives, and the year before that it was caephlon pots and pans, an iron would be pretty logical in that sequence. And, even though I have yet to use it, I was pretty impressed by the thought process (even if he did go out on Christmas Eve and get it ).

I have been married almost 15 years (ack!), and my husband didn't really start buying me gifts until about three years ago. His excuse? "Well, if you want something, you just go out and get it yourself!" I stopped getting things for myself (he was right - it was just easier that way), and now I give him a list of things I want/need. Do I get everything on the list? No, but I also get some things *not* on the list, so those things are sweet. He knows what I collect, so there are always a couple of those items under the tree and at other occasions.

But I do have to say - I have never received a $20 sweatshirt two sizes too big for me.