Where the Fu*k did this come from???

lifesaver · #1 01-09-2002, 04:19 AM

Ok, heres the sthick. I need ya'lls opinion.

Situation:
I show up at Fox & Hound tonight because a few of the brothers and the associated chicks are hanging out. I get offa work about 9, take a quick nap and meet them there about 11:30 for a few beers. I get there and everyone is glad to see me except Steve. Normally hes all hearty handshakes and back slaps. Tonight he was removed. I ask Ann, a good friend whts up. She sais that "He told me he has issues with you." I was all WTF?

<flashback>
Steve is a fellow alum, and was initiated in 96, a few years after me. We've always gotten along great. He f*cking lived with me last summer when he was looking for a job. (for 2 months) great guy to party with and hang out with. Not one of my closest friends, but in the next circle out. Weve been through some crap together - but I also know where his skeletons are buried...

SO Ann tells me that he doesnt like how I "Owe a bunch of people money." Ann is like who? And he says, "Janette, and a bunch of others." And Ann presses on, "Who else?" but he wont specify and just says that it is "Wrong."

So Imagine my suprise. Ann knows I was outta work for 6 months (try finding a job as a web-developer in this economy...and after Sept 11.) I finally land the cool job 3 weeks ago, so I am finally getting back on my feet. I only owe $$ to 2 close friends. 1) John, I owe $60. I did owe $300 for my rent he helped me out with in August, and I have paid him all but $60 (10 bucks a week) and 2) Jeanette who paid my truck payment the 15th of October. The funny part is John told me as long as I was paying him, he was cool (which I have been weekly) and Jeanette laid the terms of my loan with her as 6 months due so the 15th of April I pay her. I have never owed anyone else, and these people offered me the loans because they are my friends and they knew I was in a rough place.

So what I dont understand is how this is his concern.

From the psycological point of view I know why it bothers him. He just lost his job last month. Hes in a tight place. I think he is afraid that his friends wont come through as readily for him as they did me. I had to rely on my friends, as I dont have parents to rely on like he does and others do. My friends are my family.

So how do I handle this. I know the best way is to take the time, and pay them off and let history prove the right. But I dont appreciate him talking about me behind my back. How fu*king juvenile is that. i wouldnt expect that kind of behavior from a 24 year old. I just wanna keep my name outta his mouth. It aint his concern. I am sorry if he doesnt have enough drama in his life. I have plenty and arent looking for more.

So what do I do? Confront him?(I feel like I want to) Opinions? Suggestions?

KSig RC · #2 01-09-2002, 04:31 AM

Well dude, no one ever said stuff was supposed to make sense . . . that said, like most situations, I feel like there's two possible paths to tread down:

1 - the "Friendly" one

Instigate a conversation with him - but very laid-back, in a neutral environment. Call him out for a drink, chill for a bit, don't get sloshed, and just mention "Hey bud - I feel like something's wrong. Is there something I did that pissed jah off?" That should force his hand, but also remove the offensive stance from his arsenal. This should make 'mediation' of the conflict easier - you can explain, and he'll have no choice but to roll with it. Diplomacy and victory - good deal.

2 - the "Not so friendly" one

OK i'm not so good at this - this would probably entail making him look like an ass for having a chip on his shoulder for no reason, not having a good time, and generally being a dick about something that not only isn't his deal, but doesn't even smell remotely like drama. Later, you can get with his girlfriend, piss in his ear, burn his house down, and kick the dog on the way out . . . or something.

I'd probably suggest number one - but it's ultimately your call. Like the immortal Yogi Berra once said:

When you come to a fork in the road, I say take it.

Lil_G · #3 01-09-2002, 07:30 AM

Ignore that last post, he doesn't know what he's talking about: look at the time, 3:30 in the morning - tells you something.

Life, in situations like this dealing with guys, time is an asset. Is there a pressing need to deal with this situation immediately? If not, I say give him a few weeks or so. If he's feeling anxiety from work it will either pass when the threat is gone or he will come around when he needs you for support and advice. Just try to stay cool for a bit and see how things develop...the ball's in your court.

justamom · #4 01-09-2002, 07:54 AM

MONEY-MONEY-MONEY!

You are most likely correct-He's worried and doesn't know if he will have any support like you did.

By bringing up your situation, he tries to make HIS situation look/feel better to your crowd.

Lil_G is right about- give it some time. He may have pressures no one is aware of and is acting in "panic" mode. By talking about YOU he diverts attention from his situation.

If it tuns out to be an all out character assault on you, then I'd move on to KSig RC friendly suggestion.

If all else fails...blow him off and in a matter of a few months
you will prove him wrong and it will have blown over. There will be "juicier" news to talk about.

There is always the possibility that there is something deeper bothering him and this current situation has acted like a catalyst.
Good Luck! Hope you're settled in and loving your new job

aopirose · #5 01-09-2002, 10:17 AM

I don't have any advice but I am glad that you were able to find a job!!!!!!

LexiKD · #6 01-09-2002, 10:38 AM

I would normally say go and have a sit down with him and talk it all out, but if he is already talking about you then a chat may make him more prone to talk behind your back.

Some peolpe talk regardless, maybe they have nothing better to discuss. I wouldn't worry, pay your friends back, make sure you keep your end of the bargin and that's all. Sounds like you have it under control!

If he wants to be a jerk, then be indifferent, it can't hurt!

Congrats on finding a job!

dzsaigirl · #7 01-09-2002, 12:32 PM

Okay, so if someone was mad at me for that reason and I thought that he was bitter about not having money himself, I would not feel sorry for him at all after seeing him spending his money at a bar. I feel no sympathy for people who still manage to have going out money when they have no money for other things, especially if they complain about it.

Peaches-n-Cream · #8 01-09-2002, 01:38 PM

Life, maybe Steve is concerned about his own career and financial situation and either he wants to see if he will have the support that you had or he wants to distract himself from his own depressing situation. I suggest that you take a wait and see approach for a week. If his attitude doesn't improve, follow KSig RC's friendly approach.

Another idea, maybe it isn't Steve at all. You still owe people money. Check in with them and see how they are doing financially and career-wise. Make sure that they are still fine with the terms of the loans. Maybe they are in the same boat as you were a few months ago and could use that money now. I hope that I am wrong, but he could be voicing someone else's concerns. Also, could it be possible that you owe someone else money and forgot?

Or maybe you should just kick his a$$.

Just kidding!

lifesaver · #9 01-09-2002, 02:28 PM

All good advice. I agree with most everyone on the wait and see approach. I only see Steve about every 2 - 3 weeks anyway. I tried to just act like nothing was different whenI was around him.

I also followed Creams advice and sent an email to both John and Jeanette confirming the terms of the loans and just to see if everything was OK. I said that I had heard someone talking about it. (They wont like this, because the agrrement was to be confidential on both parties) So I bet when John or jeanette find out they might not be too happy that Steve was talking about it to others. I might not even have to talk to him about it as they might be the ones (John and Jeanette) who would like to have a word with him. Just an assumption.

Also JAM, thanks for the words, "By bringing up your situation, he tries to make HIS situation look/feel better to your crowd.

Lil_G is right about- give it some time. He may have pressures no one is aware of and is acting in "panic" mode. By talking about YOU he diverts attention from his situation." I never thought of it that way.

Keep the feed back coming and I'll let you know what the emails say.

dzrose93 · #10 01-09-2002, 02:30 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by dzsaigirl
Okay, so if someone was mad at me for that reason and I thought that he was bitter about not having money himself, I would not feel sorry for him at all after seeing him spending his money at a bar. I feel no sympathy for people who still manage to have going out money when they have no money for other things, especially if they complain about it.

I agree with you 200%, dzsaigirl... Reminds me of my 'best friend' who has owed me money for the better half of a year. Keeps telling me she doesn't have it, yet I keep getting 2 AM drunken phone calls from her when she's out partying with friends at a bar. Um, hello, where's THAT drinking money coming from?

Hootie · #11 01-09-2002, 02:52 PM

As someone who loaned money I can sorta see where he's coming from...
I loaned my ex on three seperate occassions a lump sum of $1000.00 (while we were dating). I was never in a hurry to get the money until in the end when I needed it to pay bills and bail me out of car trouble. But throughout the entire year and a half long relationship I reminded him he owed me and you know what? He never paid! I kept thinking it was kinda shady that he could get back on his feet using my money and not afford to pay me back SOMETHING! Then it resulted in me needing money and not having it...stress, anxiaty (sp?) and tears.

Since you two are friends (sorta) I'd just keep an open line of communication. If my ex had simply said hey I can't pay you everything, but here's something I would have felt much better about the situation (and I feel that's what you're doing).

In the future I recommend never asking friends for money if you can help it. Some people aren't that nice and will hold it over your head for ever.

Good luck!

lifesaver · #12 01-09-2002, 05:46 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Hootie
As someone who loaned money I can sorta see where he's coming from...
I loaned my ex on three seperate occassions a lump sum of $1000.00 (while we were dating). I was never in a hurry to get the money until in the end when I needed it to pay bills and bail me out of car trouble. But throughout the entire year and a half long relationship I reminded him he owed me and you know what? He never paid! I kept thinking it was kinda shady that he could get back on his feet using my money and not afford to pay me back SOMETHING! Then it resulted in me needing money and not having it...stress, anxiaty (sp?) and tears.

Since you two are friends (sorta) I'd just keep an open line of communication. If my ex had simply said hey I can't pay you everything, but here's something I would have felt much better about the situation (and I feel that's what you're doing).

In the future I recommend never asking friends for money if you can help it. Some people aren't that nice and will hold it over your head for ever.

Good luck!

But see, the issue is I didnt borrow money from him. And hes not close with the people I did borrow from. It has nothing to do with him. Thats what pisses me off.

I dont want yall thinking I was spending $$ drinking at Fox and Hound. I couldnt afford to go out and drink, but Ann offered to pay for my drinks(because she wanted to go drinking that bad), the only reason i went (the cheap whore that I am). Seriously, I have been so poor that I sold plasma for a month to make enough money to buy Christmas presents. Just wanted to clarify that....

dzrose93 · #13 01-09-2002, 05:51 PM

Hey lifesaver,

Just to clarify -- I wasn't referring to you when I was complaining about the chick who owes me money. Your situation is completely different from mine because a) you have a deal worked out as to when and how much you're suppose to pay your friends and b) you actually have been giving them money without them having to bug you about it.

Tom Earp · #14 01-09-2002, 06:55 PM

Life, most people have bigger noses than there asses but show the asses more that the noses!

If your ffiends are nearly paid back, then he can suck nasty pond water!

Just ignore!

If wishes were chicken shit, I would have a Hen House Full!!!!!

Keep a

Bro!

KSigkid · #15 01-09-2002, 07:09 PM

I'd say that the pressures in his own life are getting to him. When things aren't going well, it's easier to look at other people and pick at their personal lives. That sounds like what he's doing to you - things are going better for you, and not so well for him, so he's taking out frustration on you. Not the right way to go about it, just the way that people go about it.

I'd go with the wait and see thing. It could turn out that he gets over all of it, and that he realizes that he was being irrational about the whole thing. I think you've gone about it the right way so far - hopefully he'll realize that he messed up and come clean with you about it. Good luck with it all, it's a tough situation to be in.

Congratulations on the job too, that's great.

Collin