Minorities and Suicide

Still BLUTANG · #1 07-13-2006, 02:53 PM

i am worried sick about one of my girls.

last night she called and told me she wasn't sure if she was going to make it too much longer. she's started planning her OWN funeral, and she's just "not in the mood to deal with too much more." - - her words.

i know i can't "make" her talk to a professional, but are there any suggestions as to convincing a loved one to seek help / therapy?

Honeykiss1974 · #2 07-13-2006, 05:37 PM

I'm not sure of the age or the situation for one of your "girls", but if she is young, I would tell her parents, boyfriend, parents, whomever ASAP. Look up the number for your town's 24 hour suicide crisis hotline and call it. Or go to this website for steps to take when a friend is thinking about committing suicide.

http://www.stopasuicide.org/actdecision.aspx

Let her get mad at you for spread her business. At least she'll be alive to fuss at you.

Still BLUTANG · #3 07-13-2006, 06:48 PM

thanks for the link, i'll check it out.

she is an adult.

her mom recently passed and i know this isn't just something you "get over"... but but as a non-professional on the outside looking in, it seems like her mourning process is getting ?worse? (i don't know how to describe it any better) as the days go by. she's an only child and still lives in the home she shared with her mother.

i'm getting phone calls and emails from mutual friends / her coworkers that are concerned about her... i feel like we're letting her slip away if we don't do something. is an intervention-type thing appropriate?

Munchkin03 · #4 07-13-2006, 09:54 PM

My best friend from college (biracial) committed suicide two years ago.

We (my boyfriend and I) saw her about 36 hours before it happened...we had never seen her like that before. She didn't mention killing herself AT ALL, but she was very disoriented...almost as if she had taken some bad drugs. She was talking about quitting school and looked very disheveled. She was going to meet another good friend, who took her to her place and watched over her for a day until taking her home, otherwise we would have taken her with us. She had people with her who could have stopped her, and did try to make her feel better, right up until the very end.

It's said that the person who commits suicide only dies one death, but his or her survivors die a thousand more.

SummerChild · #5 07-14-2006, 12:38 PM

Blutang, my bfriend just lost his mother in June and I am trying to support him through the mourning process so I have an idea of what you may be going through. First, I think that the support group is a good idea and getting her out of the house and bringing her to your house for a while is also a very good idea. You have got to get her out of that house that she shared with her mother. She may be drowning in memories - everywhere that she turns in that house, she is reminded that her mother is no longer with her. Also, does she have family in town? Can she stay with them when she is not able to stay with you? I read that it is helpful to stay with others that are going through the same mourning experience with you, as well as those who are not - the former can relate and the latter can *distract* you so to speak and discuss *other* things with you. My bfriend went and stayed for the first few weeks with his dad and sister after things happened. For him, it soothed him to go to the house where his mom lived - b/c there were others there that were suffering with him and he could share his most intimate concerns, sorrow and fears with them b/c they all shared the same memories. However, it sounds like she may be all alone in that house and it is probably just too overwhelming. For example, my bfriend had to take down the pics of his mom in his house b/c it was too overwhelming. Getting her out of that house will definitely help.

Sometimes the person, if he/she is very independent, will not easily take your help and they will *DEFINITELY* not ask for it easily, so just be gentle but instead of asking, just let the person know what you will do. If she is that type, for example, instead of saying "do you want me to drop by after work" say "i'm going to drop by after work, ok, and maybe we can go out and get something for you to eat." Or instead of saying "do you want to come and stay with me for awhile" say "i'd love it if you came and stayed with me for awhile."

It's hard to support the person too b/c you need to respect that they will need to be alone sometime to mourn in the way that maybe only she can mourn when she is all alone but if she is talking about her own funeral, I would be adverse to leaving her alone. Perhaps you can let her know that she would still have her privacy at your home so then she will not feel like she needs to always be talking to you or doing something with you if she comes to stay with you for awhile.

It is so important to help her think of other things in life too in my opinion. I didn't tell my bfriend to stop thinking about it, I just casually brought up other things sometimes. Like I would ask if he wanted to go get something to eat or go work on the lawn and I'd help, soemthing to give his mind a break from it all and give him a glimmer of distraction in this sad time. He doesn't talk a whole bunch about it (just every now and then), however, since your girl is a woman, and we tend to share more (his sister has shared with me a great deal), she probably would welcome sharing her feelings about it. I posted a link in the Delta Sigma Theta thread "Talking to Kids About Death" that gives tips about the things not to say and how to support a friend through it.

Good luck and PM me if you want to discuss more. I really do feel you.

SC

Quote:

Originally Posted by Still BLUTANG

thanks for the link, i'll check it out.

she is an adult.

her mom recently passed and i know this isn't just something you "get over"... but but as a non-professional on the outside looking in, it seems like her mourning process is getting ?worse? (i don't know how to describe it any better) as the days go by. she's an only child and still lives in the home she shared with her mother.

i'm getting phone calls and emails from mutual friends / her coworkers that are concerned about her... i feel like we're letting her slip away if we don't do something. is an intervention-type thing appropriate?

darling1 · #6 07-14-2006, 09:02 PM

i think many of you long time posters may recall this but i shared my story of mental illness. i also have bipolar disorder and was clinically depressed for many years. i have taken meds, been in therapy and when i had my children dealt with postpartum depression. with my daughter i did some preventative things to help prepare for the possibility.

the fact is we dont talk about it because its dirty and an ugly thing. from my experience many people that have dealt with mental illness also have a history of abuse which is part of the ugliness.

i feel the more we talk about it and share our stories, the empowered we are and the more other people will be willing to share their stories.

when you have a death in the family the grieving process is difficult. the best thing you can do in that situation is to be available to your loved one. grief takes time to handle. @bluetang, you are doing the best thing by supporting your friend. give her space and definitely encourage her to seek a support group. maybe you can go so far as to go with her during that first meeting. also, prayer changes things, so pray on her behalf that she can get thru this roughpatch.

AKA_Monet · #7 09-10-2007, 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Still BLUTANG

i am worried sick about one of my girls.

last night she called and told me she wasn't sure if she was going to make it too much longer. she's started planning her OWN funeral, and she's just "not in the mood to deal with too much more." - - her words.

i know i can't "make" her talk to a professional, but are there any suggestions as to convincing a loved one to seek help / therapy?

What happened to your friend? Did she ever get help?

The professionals call it "defraying". Usually, it works best on a very angry person. If there is an issue, one can "defray" its escalation by redirecting what the person is doing or thinking--usually, doing something totally different that expected.

For example:

A friend of mine was a counselor at a teen home for abused children with mental disorders, one of the young men was angry about something and the anger escalated.

So rather than breaking it up, my friend asked the angry young man, "Hey, do you want to help me get this Christmas Tree outside?" (He said it in terms of a directive--which is key). The young man, thought about it and left with my friend to remove him from the anger escalation.

That way, a trained professional can calmly talk with the client to get one side of what is going on... Defraying any ensuing fight.

We can always practice diplomacy and conflict resolution...

Still BLUTANG · #8 09-10-2007, 09:13 PM

Thank you for asking.

We're still dealing with her mother's death, but my friend is doing so much better. I think the weekend that I wrote that post, another friend and I just showed up on her doorstep, said get dressed and get out of this house. She knows we will not hesitate to show up and show out. This was about a year ago.

She has been to counseling and is finding ways to work through her grief. I am so glad that she was able to speak with a professional about everything. There is NO SHAME in seeking help. I think for a while she was fighting that battle because she didnt want to ask for help, neither did she want to accept the help that was being offered. We just had to be there (many sleepless nights) until she got to the point where she realized it was o.k. to not go through it alone.

Some days she's optimistic and making plans for the future... other days are o.k. at best. Holidays, birthdays, and other special days we remember are rough but she's holding on strong. She is back at work and has even picked up her involvement in Girl Scouts and is a troop leader. She has a web of support and i think between her cousins, her friends, and her colleagues we all will catch any signs that something is out of the ordinary and address it head on.