Tacky wedding "invitation"

[AGDee]

I hear huge complaints from people who receive destination wedding invites when it's obvious that they won't be attending. My opinion is that, if you're having a destination wedding, then you only invite your immediate family and close friends. It seems more tacky to me to say "Hey, come spend $2000 to come to my destination wedding" than to simply not invite people and, if asked, explain "We're having a small, private destination wedding".

[AOII_LB93]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I hear huge complaints from people who receive destination wedding invites when it's obvious that they won't be attending. My opinion is that, if you're having a destination wedding, then you only invite your immediate family and close friends. It seems more tacky to me to say "Hey, come spend $2000 to come to my destination wedding" than to simply not invite people and, if asked, explain "We're having a small, private destination wedding".

I see where you are coming from, but as I had a destination wedding, we sent them to everyone(a whopping 70 people) because we didn't want to be rude. His family(most of whom he hardly sees) had a big enough problem that we did it abroad and we didn't want to offend them further by not including them. We tried your suggestion, but people were pissed anyhow.

I agree though with the OP...extra tacky. However, being that this is your dad's partner's son, it would be nice if your dad gives them something small. If the son doesn't know your dad well, he probably felt like he had to invite your dad as he is a partner - though he went about it in a tacky way, an invite or save the date card worded better would have been much more appropriate. We sent out save the date cards with hotel, airline and other information to people we knew were coming regardless (parents and friends who we knew were invited and wanted to go), and then just sent invites to other people.

/side bar

Ok does anyone else here think it extremely tacky that I was invited to a friend 's(well I thought she was a friend, guess not so much-but I digress) engagement party, but not her wedding? That's a big no-no in my book, and the etiquette book I have too, but anyway...opinions?

[tunatartare]

Originally Posted by AOII_LB93

I see where you are coming from, but as I had a destination wedding, we sent them to everyone(a whopping 70 people) because we didn't want to be rude. His family(most of whom he hardly sees) had a big enough problem that we did it abroad and we didn't want to offend them further by not including them. We tried your suggestion, but people were pissed anyhow.

I agree though with the OP...extra tacky. However, being that this is your dad's partner's son, it would be nice if your dad gives them something small. If the son doesn't know your dad well, he probably felt like he had to invite your dad as he is a partner - though he went about it in a tacky way, an invite or save the date card worded better would have been much more appropriate. We sent out save the date cards with hotel, airline and other information to people we knew were coming regardless (parents and friends who we knew were invited and wanted to go), and then just sent invites to other people.

/side bar

Ok does anyone else here think it extremely tacky that I was invited to a friend 's(well I thought she was a friend, guess not so much-but I digress) engagement party, but not her wedding? That's a big no-no in my book, and the etiquette book I have too, but anyway...opinions?

Yes, definitely.

[KSigkid]

Was it an invitation, or was it a "Save the Date" with an invitation to follow? That might be the case, and as someone else said, maybe they didn't want to leave anyone out.

In some cases you're going to get grief either way; if you don't send the invite, people will be upset, and if you do send the invite, people just think you're fishing for gifts.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by KSigkid

In some cases you're going to get grief either way; if you don't send the invite, people will be upset, and if you do send the invite, people just think you're fishing for gifts.

You could always include "No gifts necessary" at the bottom (especially if they're homemade), or "Gifts are appreciated, but not necessary", if you want to be more classy about fishing for gifts.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

I don't know if it's tacky. It's not how I would handle it. This is the couple's wedding, and they can do whatever they want. You can't satisfy everybody. Someone will always complain.


The groom is the son of your father's partner. I think it is nice that they even thought of inviting his father's partner. I'm not sure what business they are in or how close your families are. I think if your parents opt not to attend the wedding, they should send an appropriate gift, not a cheap gift. This gift is a reflection of a professional relationship. Case in point, my sister invited all of my mother's law firm partners to her wedding because that is what our mother wanted. Most attended, but the few who did not sent beautiful gifts like crystal from the registry.

[adpiucf]

Sounds more like a Save The Date... which I get these days and they range from ultra slick "pre" invitations, to an informal notecard.

Want to hear tacky? I have a distant relative getting married. My mom lives in the same state as the relative and received a shower invitation. At the bottom, the bride's mom wrote: Dear ADPiUCF-Mom, We know you probably can't make it. Please don't feel obligated to come or send a gift."

Now THAT is tacky.

[PhoenixAzul]

My SO and I were discussing what to do about invitations. There are some people that we need to invite, but we know for whatever reason may not come (distance, illness, children, etc). Since we're not having a destination wedding, we were discussing putting a "bride and groom are registered at XYZ, but would appreciate donations to X foundation in their name as well." We figured that the donation idea would save a lot of people a lot of time...no shopping, no shipping, they can just fire up the computer and donate through the net or write a check. It's also not a "what will we get them, is this too much from us, is this enough?" problem...they donate what they want and that's that. If you know a particular foundation this couple is partial to, that's what I'd do. I'd make a donation (in appropriate size) in their name and send them a card explaining.

[tunatartare]

Originally Posted by PhoenixAzul

My SO and I were discussing what to do about invitations. There are some people that we need to invite, but we know for whatever reason may not come (distance, illness, children, etc). Since we're not having a destination wedding, we were discussing putting a "bride and groom are registered at XYZ, but would appreciate donations to X foundation in their name as well." We figured that the donation idea would save a lot of people a lot of time...no shopping, no shipping, they can just fire up the computer and donate through the net or write a check. It's also not a "what will we get them, is this too much from us, is this enough?" problem...they donate what they want and that's that. If you know a particular foundation this couple is partial to, that's what I'd do. I'd make a donation (in appropriate size) in their name and send them a card explaining.

Hijack: when did you get engaged? I didn't know that. Congratulations!

[AOII_LB93]

Originally Posted by PhoenixAzul

My SO and I were discussing what to do about invitations. There are some people that we need to invite, but we know for whatever reason may not come (distance, illness, children, etc). Since we're not having a destination wedding, we were discussing putting a "bride and groom are registered at XYZ, but would appreciate donations to X foundation in their name as well." We figured that the donation idea would save a lot of people a lot of time...no shopping, no shipping, they can just fire up the computer and donate through the net or write a check. It's also not a "what will we get them, is this too much from us, is this enough?" problem...they donate what they want and that's that. If you know a particular foundation this couple is partial to, that's what I'd do. I'd make a donation (in appropriate size) in their name and send them a card explaining.

Every wedding website and etiquette book I have read has always said not to include anything about gifts with the invitation. There are numerous ways people can figure out where you are registered: phone calls, internet, etc...
Be careful when you think people won't show up...I have a friend who did that, and a bunch of the folks she thought wouldn't come, did.

[ADqtPiMel]

Originally Posted by PhoenixAzul

My SO and I were discussing what to do about invitations. There are some people that we need to invite, but we know for whatever reason may not come (distance, illness, children, etc). Since we're not having a destination wedding, we were discussing putting a "bride and groom are registered at XYZ, but would appreciate donations to X foundation in their name as well." We figured that the donation idea would save a lot of people a lot of time...no shopping, no shipping, they can just fire up the computer and donate through the net or write a check. It's also not a "what will we get them, is this too much from us, is this enough?" problem...they donate what they want and that's that. If you know a particular foundation this couple is partial to, that's what I'd do. I'd make a donation (in appropriate size) in their name and send them a card explaining.

Don't put registery information on the invitation. People will know to call you, your parents, or whoever, and you can inform them where you are registered and that donations to certain foundations would be welcome as well.

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by AOII_LB93

I see where you are coming from, but as I had a destination wedding, we sent them to everyone(a whopping 70 people) because we didn't want to be rude. His family(most of whom he hardly sees) had a big enough problem that we did it abroad and we didn't want to offend them further by not including them. We tried your suggestion, but people were pissed anyhow.

I agree though with the OP...extra tacky. However, being that this is your dad's partner's son, it would be nice if your dad gives them something small. If the son doesn't know your dad well, he probably felt like he had to invite your dad as he is a partner - though he went about it in a tacky way, an invite or save the date card worded better would have been much more appropriate. We sent out save the date cards with hotel, airline and other information to people we knew were coming regardless (parents and friends who we knew were invited and wanted to go), and then just sent invites to other people.

/side bar

Ok does anyone else here think it extremely tacky that I was invited to a friend 's(well I thought she was a friend, guess not so much-but I digress) engagement party, but not her wedding? That's a big no-no in my book, and the etiquette book I have too, but anyway...opinions?

In my big Italian family, all aunts, uncles, cousins are considered "immediate family" and can't be excluded from any invite, so I would think of your husbands family as "immediate". It's different than inviting work partners of your parents to a destination wedding.

[BetteDavisEyes]

Originally Posted by AOII_LB93

Ok does anyone else here think it extremely tacky that I was invited to a friend 's(well I thought she was a friend, guess not so much-but I digress) engagement party, but not her wedding? That's a big no-no in my book, and the etiquette book I have too, but anyway...opinions?

It's extremely tacky & beyond rude. A few years ago, a girl I've known since high school got engaged. She invited me everywhere including shopping for stuff for her new house. Though I wasn't in the wedding party, I (stupidly) assumed I'd be invited to the wedding b/c we had grown so close in the year prior to her wedding. After months of parties & gifts, I was dismayed to learn that I was not invited to her wedding. Her explanation was that it was for immediate family & a few close friends. I would have accepted that IF I hadn't already known that these few family & friends totalled 300 people.
It's just tacky & rude. Needless to say, we didn't talk so much after that & only recently has she started talking to me again. Ironically enough, she's pregnant & is itching to talk about her pregnancy & her future baby showers.

[AOII_LB93]

[QUOTE=BetteDavisEyesIronically enough, she's pregnant & is itching to talk about her pregnancy & her future baby showers.[/QUOTE]

Ugh...she probably wants lots of presents from you, but won't actually invite you to the showers or anything.

Yeah, I was a bit put off to say the least, I did the classy thing and sent a nice gift anyhow. I'll be polite when I see her, but you can bet that I will not go out of my way for her anymore.