parents and growing up

[Jill1228]

I so agree with valkyrie and uksparkle on this one...

JUST DO IT! Save up your money, find a crib and move out.

Call their bluff. They might be pissed at first but they will get over it..eventually. If they don't that is THEIR problem, not yours!

I went thru the same thing and let me tell ya, moving away was the best damn thing I ever did!

PMing ya!

[smiley21]

Originally posted by DeltAlum
So, you're 24 years old and a college graduate, but you can't support yourself without your parents help? You won't move out because they say you can't? Am I reading that correctly?

If so, maybe they're right.

As has been suggested above, get your assets together and make the move.

No, I can support myself without them. They do not want me to move because they will not be able to watch what I do anymore. They do not want me going somewhere alone. It is not about financial support. It is more about the fact they will not be on my side about moving. And I do not want them to be against me, but I do want to move.

[kddani]

They'll get over it. I take it you're the oldest, so obviously your mom is having separation issues. I would suggest counseling for her, but that probably wouldn't go over too well if you just up and suggested it. Lol, but seriously, she obviously can't let go.

You're 24 freaking years old, it's time to have your own life and learn to take care of yourself. What are you waiting for?

If your parents get upset that you moved out on your own- at the AGE OF 24, then they have the issues. Staying home with them will just transfer those issues upon you.

They'll look like idiots to their friends and the extended family if they freak and disown you b/c you moved into your own place.

[AOIIBrandi]

I think you just have to move, and let whatever they have to say go in one ear and out the other. They're your parents they love you and will eventually get over the fact that you moved away. If they don't they probably have some other problems going on and it's better that you distance yourself.

I haven't lived in Jax since I went to college, and everytime my parents start harping on when am I moving home I just tell them I never had any intention of moving back there once I graduated. I even had to tell my sister that the other day. Now she says I could at least visit, but the family dynamics make me not do that except for about once a year. They can visit me anytime they want - the door is always open...

[adpiucf]

The baby bird has to leave the nest sometime, whether or not it is the mamma bird pushing her to spread her wings and fly. Sometimes, the little bird has to do it alone.

Smiley, spread your wings and take the leap! Save up some money and go! It will do no good to be 40 and living at your parents' doorstep. They will be proud-- you just have to start living the life that you are proud of. They will see they raised a strong, independent woman who can hold her own. Don't let them hold you back from a happy life!

[valkyrie]

Originally posted by Dionysus
I don't think it is just that easy...

I don't know about the details in smiley's situation...but what are you supposed to do when your mother cries to you and say that you're not only her daughter, but like a best-friend and a sister?

I'll just come out and say it -- this isn't acceptable. I know it happens all the time, but parents should NEVER do this. Your kid isn't your best friend. She isn't your sister. She is NOT there to meet the needs of the parent, PERIOD. She is there to grow up and be an adult and have a life of her own. The parent's job is to help make that happen.

I know I'm lucky because my mom and I are very close. Aside from being upset when I moved out, she's never pulled any of this crap with me. I know she was bummed when I moved 1000 miles away from her, but she's cool.

Here's the thing: if your parents are putting all this crap on you, like crying and saying you're their greatest pal or refusing to talk to people who have moved away, they are being manipulative and SELFISH. Plain and simple, they're trying to manipulate you into giving them what they want, which has nothing to do with you and your life and everything to do with their own desires and plans.

When people are manipulating you, you have two choices: you can refuse to be manipulated and go do your own thing OR you can give the manipulator what she wants, which reinforces the behavior, making it more likely that she will continue to manipulate you in the future. It's that simple. When my dog begs for food, you're damn right I'm not going to give him any because that would teach him that begging for food results in getting food and he'd just do it more often. Dealing with people isn't any more complicated than that.

Doing your own thing isn't always easy, but it's the only way you're going to be able to have your own life.

[smiley21]

After talking with my mom, she has said that she will not hold me back if I want to move. My dad, however, is another story. He is a tough nut to crack.

[Jill1228]

Amen girl! And ya know what? if you give a manipulator an inch, they will later on take a mile. Why? Because they can

First it will be I will disown you if you move out
Then it will be I will disown you if you get involved with that person

then...

there is no end to it...unless you kill the noise!

Dad will get over it...if not, tough shit

Originally posted by valkyrie
When people are manipulating you, you have two choices: you can refuse to be manipulated and go do your own thing OR you can give the manipulator what she wants, which reinforces the behavior, making it more likely that she will continue to manipulate you in the future. It's that simple. When my dog begs for food, you're damn right I'm not going to give him any because that would teach him that begging for food results in getting food and he'd just do it more often. Dealing with people isn't any more complicated than that.

Doing your own thing isn't always easy, but it's the only way you're going to be able to have your own life.

[adpiucf]

Great quote from Sidney Portier's character in "Guess who's Coming to Dinner" when his father tries to tell him that he has a right to tell him how to live his life because he made so many sacrfices for him by being a mailbag carrier/mail man:

"You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life. So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me!"

[UKTriDelt]

Originally posted by valkyrie
I'll just come out and say it -- this isn't acceptable. I know it happens all the time, but parents should NEVER do this. Your kid isn't your best friend. She isn't your sister. She is NOT there to meet the needs of the parent, PERIOD. She is there to grow up and be an adult and have a life of her own. The parent's job is to help make that happen.

That deserves to be posted twice.

[FeeFee]

Originally posted by UKTriDelt
That deserves to be posted twice.

Get out of my head - I was about to quote Valkyrie's post. She hit the nail right on the head.

[Tom Earp]

Get off Your ASSets and move for crying out loud.

They may say they dont want You to move, but do best for what is You!

Get a Life. You can come back and visit!

Do they mind bumping a boy friend in Your room after a date down the hall?

Would freek out many guys!

[smiley21]

Update:

Smiley is working on moving out there on her own.

Mom understands but still working on dad.

[Rudey]

Have you ever heard of the phrase it's easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to ask for permission?

Just do it. Worry about the results, acceptance, etc. after the fact.

-Rudey