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I've been there, too
Damasa,
My roommate committed suicide in January, so please know that I completely understand what you're going through.
He didn't leave a note and I had no idea that anything was wrong. He was working on his computer (he worked out of our apartment) that Friday when I got home from work and seemed normal. In fact, he'd just made a $5000 sale the day before and was so excited about it! I congratulated him, but didn't pay a whole lot of attention because I was trying to hurry up and get ready for a dinner date with one of my best friends. When I left that night, he was still at the computer, drinking a beer, and seemed FINE.
Thinking back I know that, sure, he had things on his mind. His parents just got a divorce and his dad was getting remarried already. I know that was bothering him, and I also know he was very worried about a review that he had coming up with his boss later that month because he didn't feel prepared for it. I also know that he had a drinking problem and that alcoholism ran in his family. We'd talked about his drinking several times and how he needed to watch himself and slow down some. Even with all this, never in a million years would I have categorized him as being suicidal. I found out later that the people who are contemplating suicide usually never talk about it, or give any signs that they are considering it.
At any rate, having to deal with his death has been extremely tough. I moved back in with my parents for 3 months because I couldn't stay at the apartment knowing that he died there, plus I had a very difficult time staying by myself - even if my parents were just going out to dinner, I would go to my aunt's house until they returned.
I also had a hard time sleeping for a while, and had to get a prescription to help. I missed a week of work and visited a therapist once who was semi-helpful. But, basically, after all that, I learned that I would have to get through everything in my own way.
Let me warn you that it will take some time. I still have trouble sleeping some nights, but it is slowly getting better. I was able to move into my own place, by myself, in April and usually do fine being there alone.
I find that I do better if I don't think about my roommate at all, but you may be completely different. People handle things differently, so what works for me may not work for you. However, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk anymore. I'll be more than glad to listen.
Thinking of you,
Carrie
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