"Northerner rules"

[Thrillhouse]

Very funny list, especially #5 and #21


>A List of Things that Northerners Think, But Rarely Say
>
>People from the North have secret thoughts they don't share with the rest
>of the United States of America. And with good reason. We just don't like
>"y'all" that much.
>
>By Curt Grumble
>
>1. "Northerner" really means "Northeasterner."
>
>2. And by "Northeasterner," we really mean people from Massachusetts,
>Connecticut, New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania.
>
>3. Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire or Rhode Island are nothing more than
>tiny, under-populated states packed with hicks. We have a strict "don't
>ask, don't tell" policy when it comes to what they do.
>
>4. Rhode Island is Massachusetts' "little brother," always trying to
>outdo its larger sibling. Note to the rest of the United States: Rhode
>Islanders have the really thick accents.
>
>5. We don't care about the Civil War. At all. We don't ever think about
>it, unless you bring it up. It's like the South is some bitter
>ex-girlfriend whining about a breakup from 100 years ago.
>
>6. If pressed on the matter, we shrug and think, "We won." Then we move on.
>
>7. It scares us that the South actually feels like it should have won.
>I mean, if it won, then slavery is still around. Why aren't Southerners
>happy they lost? Okay, I suppose we're all sorry about Sherman. But
>still, without him, you'd have even more hick towns. You should thank us
>already and let it go. We're over it.
>
>8. That said, we know the South has prettier girls. But ours are more
>promiscuous.
>
>9. California is the only state that's in the "West." Everything else
>is "near California." And Oregon and Washington seem like the same place,
>but Idaho? We don't know what Idaho does, besides potatoes.
>
>10. The real "South" is Alabama, the Carolinas and Georgia. Those
>states scare us deeply. Sort of like when the opening theme to "Unsolved
>Mysteries" kicks in. Same feeling.
>
>11. Tennessee and Kentucky might as well be the same state for all we
>care. Don't they both have a Memphis?
>
>12. Texas isn't part of the United States. It's just "Texas," land
>where everyone looks like Boss Hog. That's all we feel we need to know,
>honestly. Big hats. Boots. Oil. Cheerleaders.
>
>13. A long drive is two hours. A short drive is 15 minutes. Anything
>over 4 hours requires a plane ticket. Period.
>
>14. Midwestern is a synonym for "naive."
>
>15. California is a synonym for "shallow." Los Angeles is where
>shallow people become famous. Hollywood is where the famous, shallow people
>get arrested for shoplifting or overdose in bars.
>
>16. Florida is where old New Yorkers go to die. Las Vegas is where
>they feed.
>
>17. And while we're here, Las Vegas is considered a Northern city, but
>Nevada is not part of the North. It's just like how you eat the banana
>and chuck the peel.
>
>18. Southerners, just by the very sound of the accent, are always less
>intelligent. It's not our fault that they sound like Jolly Ranchers are
>stuck in their mouths. Fix that, get rid of the Confederate flag and
>maybe we'll take you seriously in something other than college football.
>
>19. It's funny to watch people in the South drive in snow. They always
>panic. Dozens perish. We usually make bets on how many die.
>
>20. Tornados and earthquakes aren't real. Are they? C'mon!
>
>21. We have no idea why we'd ever go to Arkansas, New Mexico, Iowa,
>Idaho, Nebraska, Oklahoma, Montana, North Dakota, South Dakota, Kansas,
>Utah, Missouri and West Virginia. Nor do we have any urge to. We don't
>know anything that's there, aside from college teams we root against.
>
>22. Sitcoms in New York City = funny.
>
>23. Sitcoms set elsewhere = less funny.
>
>24. What's in the Southwest? We're kinda curious.
>
>25. There is no fundamental difference between South Dakota and North
>Dakota, or even South Carolina and North Carolina. Couldn't they come up
>with more original names at some point?
>
>26. But Virginia and West Virginia? It's like George and Lenny in Of
>Mice and Men. Big scary difference.
>
>27. Hawaii or Alaska aren't "real" states. They're like junior college
>transfer states. Washington D.C. is as far south as we feel we need to
>go.
>
>28. Minnesota is a really strange place, ain't it? Prince, Gov. Jesse
>Ventura, Randy Moss. Frightening.
>
>29. The Miss America pageant is rigged so that Massachusetts sends the
>ugliest girl in the history of the female gender. The last one looked
>like Ted Danson. Yes, really.
>
>30. If a sport can be held at a country fair, then it's not a sport.
>Competitive cheerleading? Professional auto racing? Bull riding?
>Northern sports are played in arenas, centers, gardens and the occasional
>field.
>
>31. We were never impressed by the Houston Astrodome.
>
>32. Tanning isn't something that just happens, you know. It's a hobby.
>We need to work hard to get sunburns that require hospitalization.
>
>33. The rest of the country has strange fast-food places and
>universally crappy pizza. Do they screw up the pizza on purpose because we
>show up?
>
>34. Chicago is really part of the North, not the Midwest. We traded
>Pittsburgh and the rest of western Pennsylvania for it. Good deal when
>Pittsburgh was a steel town.
>
>35. We can't label the Midwest on the map, but we know it when we see
>it. Mostly because it has freckles and a bowl cut. If it's female, it has
>on the tight sweater.
>
>36. There's really no reason to see the rest of the country when
>everyone's always coming here. We'll see them when they show up in
>Philadelphia, Boston or New York.