Favorite SNL Quotes

[Benzgirl]

What are your favorite lines from Saturday night live?

Mine are...
"Jane, you ignorant slut" and
"Delta, Delta, Delta, can I help ya, help ya, help ya"

[Senusret I]

"I'll take 'the rapists' Alex" -- "Sean Connery" on Jeopardy mis-reading "Therapists."

Jane, you ignorant slut.

Toonces, look out!

"That's crazy!" Brian Fellows Safari Planet

[jojapeach]

"Shwiiiiiing!"

"She's choppin' broccoi!" (check it on youtube)

"I'm Gumby, damn it!"

[nittanyalum]

I tried, but really could not just pull one (or two) line out of this, my favorite of all-time sketches (but the Jeopardy ones with Will Ferrell & the guy doing Connery run a close second, Senusret), the holiday edition of "The Delicious Dish":

Pete Schweddy: Well, there are lots of great treats this time of year - Zucchini Bread, Fruitcake.. but the thing that I most like to bring out this time of year are my Balls.

Teri Rialto: Mmm.. Balls.. Tell us about your Balls, Pete.

Pete Schweddy: Well, over at Season's Eatings, we have Balls for every taste. Popcorn Balls, Cheese Balls, Rum Balls.. you name it.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow! My mouth's watering just thinking about those Balls!

Teri Rialto: It's been years since I've seen any Balls.

Pete Schweddy: Would you like to see my Balls now?

Margeret Jo McCullen: Yeah. Whip them out.

[ Pete places a tray of Balls on the control board ]

Teri Rialto: Mmm.. wow.. you have some beautiful Balls..

Margeret Jo McCullen: They're bigger than I expected.

Pete Schweddy: A lot of people tell me that.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Look at that, Teri - the way they glisten.

Pete Schweddy: That's because I make sure that each one of my Balls gets plenty of oil.

Margeret Jo McCullen: I can't help but, notice, Pete - your Balls are a little misshapen.

Pete Schweddy: That's because I rested them on a hot stove too long.

Teri Rialto: Can I touch your Balls.

Pete Schweddy: Go ahead. But be careful, they're very delicate.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow. I can't wait to get my mouth around his Balls.

Teri Rialto: [ sniffing ] Ooh.. I like the way your Balls smell..

Pete Schweddy: Do whatever you want to, ladies. My Balls are here for your pleasure.

Margeret Jo McCullen: [ chewing ] Wow, Pete.. I have to say - your Balls are so tender..

Pete Schweddy: Well, there's no beating my Balls. They're made from a secret Schweddy Family recipe. No one can resist my Schweddy Balls.

Margeret Jo McCullen: Wow.. Schweddy Balls. Nothing like a Schweddy Ball.

Teri Rialto: Good Balls.

Link to the full transcript: http://snltranscripts.jt.org/98/98idish.phtml (you can watch it on youtube too)

It just makes me howl every time, even just reading it, I picture them hovered over their mikes talking in those whispered, monotone voices. Hilarious!

And fun fact, when I googled to find the skit, I found a site for golf balls called "Schwetty Balls". They don't outright say it, but in the "our story" link it seems clear they named it after this sketch. (and one of the founders' names is Head - tee hee )

[BabyPiNK_FL]

"Christmas-A d*ck in a box
Chanukah-A d*ck in a box..."etc.

and the Natalie Portman raps skit is hilarious.

[nikki1920]

..In A Box is the funniest skit I've seen on SNL in a LONG time.

[AlphaFrog]

A lot of people say, "What's that?" It's Pat!
A lot of people ask, "Who's he? Or she?"
A ma'am or a sir, accept him or her
or whatever it might be.
It's time for androgyny.
Here comes Pat!

[WLFEO]

We need more cowbell!

[catiebug]

"It's a dessert topping!"
"It's a floor wax!"

"You pick it, you stun it, you skin it, you grill it, you eat it!"

"Cheeseburger, Pepsi, chips."
"No Pepsi, Coke."

"Two wild and crazy guys looking for American foxes!"

And my favorite - "Please pass the sweet and sour shrimp."

[alum]

Well, isn't that special?

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by Senusret I

"That's crazy!" Brian Fellows Safari Planet

This reminds me of my college marching band director, who used to stand at the top of the two story podium and yell through the megaphone, "I'm Brian Fellow!".

[Benzgirl]

"Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not."

[LeslieAGD]

Cheri Oteri: "Simma Down Now!"

Chris Katan as Antonio Bandaras: "No, no...it's too sexy!"

Any Jeopardy sketch, but especially the one with Jimmy Fallon as Nick Cage:
"Wait, wait...are you selling Penis Mightiers?"

Mike Myers as the Coffee Talk Lady: "I'm getting vaclemped! Talk amongst yourselves."

In a Christmas sketch with Rachel Dretch playing Bill Gates:
"Microsoft has just bought Christmas! I'm not sure what we'll be renaming it yet; maybe Mirco-mas or Christma-soft"

Christoper Walkin: "I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell."

[33girl]

Toonces, the Driving Cat
The Cat who could Drive a Car
He drives around, all over the town
Toonces, the Driving Cat

Get Food Town, it's cheaper.

So Christie, are you still going out with that a-hole Paul?

I don't understand your strange ways. I'm just a caveman.

LA DEE FRICKIN DAH!!

[NutBrnHair]

[Scene: A New York apartment. Someone knocks on the door.]

Woman: [not opening the door] Yes?

Voice: (mumbling) Mrs. Arlsburgerhhh?

Woman: What?

Voice: (mumbling) Mrs. Johannesburrrr?

Woman: Who is it?

Voice: [pause] Flowers.

Woman: Flowers for whom?

Voice: [long pause] Plumber, ma'am.

Woman: I don't need a plumber. You're that clever shark, aren't you?

Voice: [pause] Candygram.

Woman: Candygram, my foot. Get out of here before I call the police. You're the shark, and you know it.

Voice: I'm only a dolphin, ma'am.

Woman: A dolphin? Well...okay. [opens door]

[Huge latex and foam-rubber shark head lunges through open door, chomps down on woman's head, and drags her out of the apartment, all while the Jaws attack music is playing.]