Dating advice

[cheerfulgreek]

I need some serious advice. I'm sure some of you have been in my shoes. A classmate of mine told me there was this guy who had seen me on campus and wanted to meet me, but I didn't know what this guy looked like. She said he was really sweet, so I asked her to describe him and when she did, it didn't ring a bell. She wanted to know if it was o.k. to give him my number. I asked her why can't he ask me for it, and she told me he's really shy, so I thought about it for a minute and then I told her to give it to him. Well, he called me and he sounded really cute on the phone, and we had so much in common. We talked for hours. We set up a time to meet each other, and when I saw him, I was so not attracted to him. He's a big guy, and he has a lot of facial hair with pitts in his face. He looked kinda rough. Some girls would have thought he looked hot, but I like clean cut, clear face guys, plus I don't like really big guys like that. I was very disappointed. Now he keeps calling me and wanting to study together, and I don't want to be mean to him, but I feel kind of sorry for him. He was telling me all the fraternities he took interest in rejected him. How sad. Then he put me on the spot and told me he found me very attractive. I thanked him and changed the subject. He got back on the subject and asked me what I thought about him. I told him I thought he was nice. Then he asked me if I see him like he sees me. I told him no, but he keeps calling me. My sorority sisters find it funny and whenever he comes over they let him in, even when I tell them to tell him I'm not here. I don't know how to tell him I don't find him attractive I've never been in this kind of situation before, I would feel so bad if I hurt his feelings. Any advice?

[James]

Lie.

There is no good way to tell someone you don't like them.

There are only bad ways to tell someone you aren't attracted to them.

So just tell him you have been chatting with some guy you are interested in or something . . . and if it comes up, say you thought you two were friends.

Not that you just want to be friends, but you thought you two already were.

Its a little bold of him to be visiting you out of the blue at your sorority house based on a couple phone conversations . . . did you guys hang out a few times or something?

And when you say big, do you mean muscular (athlete bodybuilder) or overweight?

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by James

Lie.

There is no good way to tell someone you don't like them.

There are only bad ways to tell someone you aren't attracted to them.

So just tell him you have been chatting with some guy you are interested in or something . . . and if it comes up, say you thought you two were friends.

Not that you just want to be friends, but you thought you two already were.

Its a little bold of him to be visiting you out of the blue at your sorority house based on a couple phone conversations . . . did you guys hang out a few times or something?

And when you say big, do you mean muscular (athlete bodybuilder) or overweight?

Well, I made a boo boo on the phone before I met him. He asked me if I had a boyfriend and I told him, I just recently broke up with my X. I was telling him stuff like good guys are hard to find and most guys are pigs, stupid stuff like that. I wasn't thinking straight. I'll take your advice and tell him I thought we were just friends and hopefully he'll get the idea. I just don't want him to call me anymore nor do I want him hanging out in my room with me. Whenever I see him he tries to hug me, and that really bothers me.

I only went out with him once, and then we studied in the library once. Since then, whenever he would call me and ask me out or to study with him, I would make excuses of why I couldn't. Then one night he just showed up at our house. I thought that was really bold too. He's been over here more than once. The 1st time, my sisters let him in not knowing that I even went out with him. After he left, they asked me about him and I told them I wasn't attracted to him. Since then, they tease me about him and let him in every time he comes over. He already knew what sorority I'm in. I'm sure he saw me with my sorority on campus. We're together a lot. Plus I'm a cheerleader and I'm sure he's seen me at games and stuff. Kinda scary to know that he had been watching me all that time, and I had no clue. I tried asking some of my sorority sisters if they were attracted to him, thinking maybe one of them would go out with him instead of me. None of them find him attractive, plus most of them have boyfriends.

No, he's not overweight. He's like really muscular and big. I don't really like big athletic guys. I like cute guys with nice bodies and all, but not muscular like him. I like smaller guys. I guess a nice bod for me is not a nice bod for most women.

I just want the phone calls to stop, I want the visits to stop, I want the calling my name across campus when he see's me to stop. Help.

Thanks for your advice.

[Scandia]

He does not sound like my type either. And it seems like we share the same type in guys.

You gave him a chance. Do not go out with him because you feel sorry for him- or even because you just want someone even if there is nothing wrong with him.

Just let him know that you want to be just friends. In a polite way, of course. He sounds decent and like he would understand- so no need to be blunt, much less rude.

[valkyrie]

Tell him you're not interested, period. Don't take his calls. Tell your sorority sisters it's not funny to let him in the house when you don't want to see him. Cut that shit off now or it's not going to stop -- and what's worse, feeling bad about hurting his feelings or dealing with him following you around for who knows how long? Until you tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested, he's going to keep trying.

Also, in the future, if a guy is too much of a pussy to ask you for your number, don't tell anybody it's okay to give it to him.

[AKA_Monet]

Cheerful,

Sweetheart, if you like the guy generally as a friend, you can tell him that.

Otherwise do whatever you wish.

But it seems like you had a decent conversation on the phone.

I dated a guy like this and I told him straight up why I was repelled by him. Can you believe he lost weight just because I said he was obese! Also, the next time I saw him, he was very handsome and very thin. Too bad I screwed that relationship up, he was a millionare...

[cheerfulgreek]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Actually I couldn't wait to get on here to tell you guys what happend. Well, he came by again, about 3 hours ago. He just left . We studied, and that's all. He tried to hug me again, and that's when I told him I wanted to talk to him. I told him I like him as a friend only. I told him I don't see him for anything more. I felt bad at 1st because I knew he was disappointed. He said well, since we're friends can I still study with you? I didn't know what to say at that point. I really wanted to tell him no, but I thought that would be so wrong. I don't throw away friends, so I told him I didn't have a problem with us studying together, but I'd rather study in the library, but not here.

About 10 minutes into studying he asked me what I didn't like about him. I looked around trying to think of how to tell him without hurting his feelings. At 1st I told him he wasn't my type. I was really trying to avoid the question. He's really aggressive. He asked why he wasn't my type. I told him I wasn't physically attracted to him. He asked me if he was greek would I like him better. I was like what? . I said that physically he's not my type, that's all. He sounded o.k. by that at 1st but then things started to change. He asked me about my X. He asked me is he in a fraternity. I told him yes, but that's not why I was with him. He asked me why I broke up with him. I told him because he was a jerk. He said, that he's not a jerk so isn't inner beauty more important. I told him I know you're not a jerk but I want both, and I'm not into big muscular guys.

We took a break and I told him I was going to get something to eat. I offered him something, and he said no thanks. O.K. I went downstairs to the fridge and he followed me to the kitchen. I thought that was so bizarre . He started telling me he loved my eyes and whoever ends up with me will be so lucky. Stuff like that. Well, at that point I told him I was tired and I was going to bed. That was about 30 minutes ago. Well I'm still up . I had to lie to get him to leave. I walked him to the door, and then he says "I'll call you tomorrow." Ya know he just doesn't get it. I DON'T LIKE HIM LIKE THAT! He won't give up! This is so aggravating! He's called me everyday since we met. I love talking to him, he's so sweet, but I'm going to have to tell him this whole friendship thing is not what I planned. I wake up every morning now, thinking of how to avoid him. I'll keep you guys posted. Thank you. You guys are great!

[PrettyBoy]

Since you're from the "crib", I'll go ahead and give my 2 cents.

This sounds like a serious problem to me. I really don't think the male female friendship thing works at all. Someone is always attracted to the other person. If you end up with someone else, I'll betcha he'll get jealous. I know you were being nice to the guy, but you put yourself in a bad position by studying with him and talking to him on the phone. Even if he is a nice guy, if you're not attracted to him, and you know he's attracted to you, all that's going to do is cause more problems. Trust me, this joker isn't done with you. He's not going to give up. You said he's aggressive too. See, he probably thinks you're easy going and very nice, so therefore he's thinking "Oh she'll eventually give in once she sees that good guys are hard to find." Once you meet "prince charming" that dude is going to get jealous and try to mess things up for you. I hope none of this happens, but I think it will. I mean I hope you find "prince charming" but I hope your "friend" doens't mess you up. It's up to you, but it's just a little advice.

I hope this helps.

[AKA_Monet]

thought this site is pretty good:

Iyanla Vanzant

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Since you're from the "crib", I'll go ahead and give my 2 cents.

This sounds like a serious problem to me. I really don't think the male female friendship thing works at all. Someone is always attracted to the other person. If you end up with someone else, I'll betcha he'll get jealous. I know you were being nice to the guy, but you put yourself in a bad position by studying with him and talking to him on the phone. Even if he is a nice guy, if you're not attracted to him, and you know he's attracted to you, all that's going to do is cause more problems. Trust me, this joker isn't done with you. He's not going to give up. You said he's aggressive too. See, he probably thinks you're easy going and very nice, so therefore he's thinking "Oh she'll eventually give in once she sees that good guys are hard to find." Once you meet "prince charming" that dude is going to get jealous and try to mess things up for you. I hope none of this happens, but I think it will. I mean I hope you find "prince charming" but I hope your "friend" doens't mess you up. It's up to you, but it's just a little advice.

I hope this helps.

I don't understand how I put myself in a bad situation. I was just being nice, because he's a sweet person. I don't think he would be the jealous type. You sound like you've been in a similar situation. Have you? Why don't you think men and women can be friends?

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I don't understand how I put myself in a bad situation. I was just being nice, because he's a sweet person. I don't think he would be the jealous type. You sound like you've been in a similar situation. Have you? Why don't you think men and women can be friends?

CG, here's the deal. You are in a bad situation. Here's why. O.K. this guy is physically attracted to you and based on your post he has been for quite some time without you even knowing it. This guy is just happy being around you. He figures that if he can't have you as his girl then he will settle for friendship as long as he is around you. At the same time, he's not going to want any other men around you either. I could be wrong and maybe he isn't the jealous type, but he came to your sorority house too? This joker is very aggressive. Now, lets say he shows up one day and you have a guy over you really like a lot. Uh oh. What do you think the outcome of that will be? Not good.

I've never been in a situation like yours because as soon as I get the feeling women start showing interest, I end the friendship, of course unless I like her . If they don't show interest then that's cool . I have never been able to have a woman as just a friend. They've always wanted more and that's why I don't think women and men can be friends. I'm sure there are some rare cases, but it has never happend for me.

As for you, this doesn't look good. You really need to tell your sorority sisters to stop messin' with this one. I'm going to bed. Good luck homie.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

CG, here's the deal. You are in a bad situation. Here's why. O.K. this guy is physically attracted to you and based on your post he has been for quite some time without you even knowing it. This guy is just happy being around you. He figures that if he can't have you as his girl then he will settle for friendship as long as he is around you. At the same time, he's not going to want any other men around you either. I could be wrong and maybe he isn't the jealous type, but he came to your sorority house too? This joker is very aggressive. Now, lets say he shows up one day and you have a guy over you really like a lot. Uh oh. What do you think the outcome of that will be? Not good.

I've never been in a situation like yours because as soon as I get the feeling women start showing interest, I end the friendship, of course unless I like her . If they don't show interest then that's cool . I have never been able to have a woman as just a friend. They've always wanted more and that's why I don't think women and men can be friends. I'm sure there are some rare cases, but it has never happend for me.

As for you, this doesn't look good. You really need to tell your sorority sisters to stop messin' with this one. I'm going to bed. Good luck homie.

You've never had a female friend without them thinking you're cute? Oh, please. If this is true, then you must be really, really cute. Just because they think you're cute, doesn't mean they want to jump your bones.

I hope you're wrong about all of this. Great advice but I really do hope you're wrong. I guess I'm a little worried now, because you're starting to make some sense out of all of this.

You're going to bed?! Awwww man. Just when the conversation was getting good. O.K. thank you PrettyBoy.

[Scandia]

Pretty Boy- while it often happens that one (usually the less physically attractive of the two) ends up liking the other, this is not always true 100% of the time. I can assure you that Jacques and I were just friends. His girlfriend Melanie even saw us interact and could tell from our body language (or lack of it) that we saw each other only as friends- that we thought of each other as big brother and little sister.

Cheerfulgreek- with some people you can be nice. But with others, you have to be direct. And with others, you have to be blunt bordering on rude because they will NOT take the hint no matter how many times you say NO. No matter how many times you hint at what your type is- or even tell the person that he or she is not your type- they will NOT understand that you want to be JUST FRIENDS. What he's doing is bordering on stalking. You need to have a serious talk with him- and if he keeps pursuing, it may be time to break off things for good.

And you are right about the fact that there is a difference between "finding someone to be attractive" and "being attracted to a person". With the last guy I dated the first one was definitely true, but the second one did not follow.

[CutiePie2000]

Originally Posted by valkyrie

Tell him you're not interested, period. Don't take his calls. Tell your sorority sisters it's not funny to let him in the house when you don't want to see him. Cut that shit off now or it's not going to stop -- and what's worse, feeling bad about hurting his feelings or dealing with him following you around for who knows how long? Until you tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested, he's going to keep trying.

Also, in the future, if a guy is too much of a pussy to ask you for your number, don't tell anybody it's okay to give it to him.

I backup what valkyrie says.
Do not tell him, "I just want to be friends", because from what I am reading, I don't think you want to be friends with him at all. It sounds like you want him out of your life entirely. You need to be strong and firm (but not rude), and tell him that you are not interested. If you do not try to put a stop to this now, it could (potentially) lead to much worse, stalker problems later (and if you don't think you can do this on your own, please do seek out help from others who have expertise in this area).

If you aren't sure as to how to be assertive (without being aggressive), seek out the counselling services on campus. I'm sure that this is a situation that the counselling service is well familiar with, and they should be able to coach you on things to say to him; things that are firm and direct, but are not aggressive and will not "insult" him.

You also need to get your sorority sisters to stop allowing him into the house. If you cannot get your sisters to comply with your wishes (and out of respect for you, they should because he is making you uncomfortable) then you will need to enlist the help of the House Mother (if there is one) or Campus Security. Your house is meant to be a place of safety and sanctity. Your sisters might think that this is "funny" to
a) get a laugh at his expense and
b) get a laugh over your discomfort
but it is not a funny situation whatsoever. It makes you creeped out and uncomfortable.
If any other developments happen, please tell us. Good luck and God Bless.

[BlessedOne04]

While I don't agree that men and women can't be friends, I will say that once someone likes you as more than a friend then there is no going back. This person sounds as if his feelings for you are mixed up with his wanting to be greek, i.e. "if I was greek then she would want me". I think you need to just be firm with him and tell him that its not a good idea to talk to him anymore and then don't answer. Cut him off completely and let your sisters know what you are doing in hopes that they will support your decision.

Let me also say that your sisters were kind of wrong for letting some random strange guy in your house after you told them that you didn't want him there. You need to check them as well!!!

You can be nice but in this case nice is going to lead to harassment down the road and for your safety I don't want this situation to get out of hand! Best of Luck CG!