Is helicoptering making kids less able to socially adapt to new situations?

[IUHoosiergirl88]

So I'm a cross-poster here and on College Confidential (hereafter referred to as CC) and have noticed some pretty common themes across both boards: kids have having a really difficult time adapting socially to college...and it doesn't seem like just freshmen either. I'm not just talking 1-2 people, I'm talking 11 posts on the first 2 pages of the 'college' threads. I see a lot of kids over on that board saying 'I don't talk to my roommate or have any friends or whatever, maybe I should join a fraternity/sorority' and then not understanding why they don't find success. I'm all for joining Greek life to expand your social horizons, but I'm not all for thinking it is a panacea

I don't really feel like this was a problem when I was a college student (2007-2011), but helicopter parents didn't seem to be as big of a problem then either. I'm wondering what you guys think about this and if you think helicopter parenting might be to blame. My dad never let me whine about not having friends, I was told to go do something about it...not something you see a lot with the helicopter generation.

I thought this could be an interesting discussion that's different from the helicopter parenting thread from awhile back...the impact on the poor kids!

[ElvisLover]

Helicopter parents are most definitely enabling their children to become social cripples. That, coupled with all the electronic devices to which this generation is attached, are severely limiting the desire to interact with their peers through face-to-face conversatons. Just my opinion, but it seems the collegians today are much more self-centered than in our day, as well.

[adpiucf]

I think these concerns existed among students when I was in college in the late 90s; it is just that now the internet is providing a forum for people to broadcast their concerns. I did not have helicopter parents; rather, mine were more of the free range variety, and I still had some anxiety about different experiences during college. It takes people time to adjust to new situations, particularly when they are on their own for the very first time, navigating new experiences, friendships, opportunities and disappointments. Helicopter parents are annoying, but they've always existed in some form. Now they have the internet to allow them to hover more broadly.

ETA: every generation feels that the one below them is going to hell and complains about their lack of respect, their lack of work ethic, their different social norms, etc. This is nothing new.

[ComradesTrue]

I don't know if it is helicopter or just more simply that kids social lives are structured practically from birth. Once upon a time a group of neighborhood kids wanting to play a game of baseball would have to first go mow a field, then find random objects to serve as bases, and other random objects to serve as the score board, decide amongst themselves who would play what position, etc. This utilized all sorts of creativity, planning, and executive functioning, not to mention collaboration by the neighborhood kids.

Now, kids join playgroups, kids play organized sports where all of the above elements are done FOR them and not BY them, and summers have turned into endless structured activities as well. I don't think that is the exact definition of helicoptering that we have come to know. I think parents can sign their kids up for all these structured events but still not be hovering.

When kids grow up this way, it should be not surprise that they then turn to organized groups on campus for their socialization. They haven't really ever just been thrown into a social situation and had to figure it out.

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by Blondie93

I don't know if it is helicopter or just more simply that kids social lives are structured practically from birth. Once upon a time a group of neighborhood kids wanting to play a game of baseball would have to first go mow a field, then find random objects to serve as bases, and other random objects to serve as the score board, decide amongst themselves who would play what position, etc. This utilized all sorts of creativity, planning, and executive functioning, not to mention collaboration by the neighborhood kids.

Now, kids join playgroups, kids play organized sports where all of the above elements are done FOR them and not BY them, and summers have turned into endless structured activities as well. I don't think that is the exact definition of helicoptering that we have come to know. I think parents can sign their kids up for all these structured events but still not be hovering.

When kids grow up this way, it should be not surprise that they then turn to organized groups on campus for their socialization. They haven't really ever just been thrown into a social situation and had to figure it out.

I think that this is a really good point. My neices and nephews are busy from morning until night, sometimes attending practice for stuff BEFORE school and after school, and having to do homework late at night or at breakfast.

I grew up in the 70s/80s, when there was still little distraction (I recall having a tv that only had 13 stations, and only listening to AM on the radio). If it wasn't raining or cold, we were outside sunup to sundown. If it was raining or cold, we read, played "school" and "library" and had contests like "whoever is the quietest wins a prize".

If we said we were bored, my mom would offer to "give us something to do", which was usually something cleaning related. So we learned quickly to make our own fun.

We didn't get trophies "just for participating" and nobody was even guaranteed to be on the team! Aside from a few material gifts, birthdays were more about celebrating the person. I remember getting to pick dinner for that night always meant my favorite food - my mom's homemade pizza.

When I was under 10/11 years old, "rewards" for good behavior or grades weren't things, and they didn't cost a lot of money, they were experiences:

- getting to sit in the front seat of the car for the week (otherwise the four of us took turns
- getting to get my dad a soda out of the fridge and sipping whatever didn't fit into the glass (soda was a rare treat, and I used to put a ton of ice cubes in the glass so I got more)
- getting to pick which (homemade) treat my mother would make (brownies? her special-recipe chocolate cake?, etc.)
- staying up an extra half hour to watch tv with mom and dad
- getting to watch all of "The Wizard of Oz", "The Sound of Music" and "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" while my mom made popcorn - these were usually shown around Easter.

Now, nothing is special. You don't wait a year to watch a beloved movie. You join everything without having a particular talent or skill. It seems to make things less special. Kids don't know what to do with free time. They can't just sit and hang out. And as a result, parents are becoming that way, too - they have to be involved 24/7, keeping pace with other parents. It's sad.

[AXOrushadvisor]

Originally Posted by ree-Xi

I think that this is a really good point. My neices and nephews are busy from morning until night, sometimes attending practice for stuff BEFORE school and after school, and having to do homework late at night or at breakfast.

I grew up in the 70s/80s, when there was still little distraction (I recall having a tv that only had 13 stations, and only listening to AM on the radio). If it wasn't raining or cold, we were outside sunup to sundown. If it was raining or cold, we read, played "school" and "library" and had contests like "whoever is the quietest wins a prize".

If we said we were bored, my mom would offer to "give us something to do", which was usually something cleaning related. So we learned quickly to make our own fun.

We didn't get trophies "just for participating" and nobody was even guaranteed to be on the team! Aside from a few material gifts, birthdays were more about celebrating the person. I remember getting to pick dinner for that night always meant my favorite food - my mom's homemade pizza.

When I was under 10/11 years old, "rewards" for good behavior or grades weren't things, and they didn't cost a lot of money, they were experiences:

- getting to sit in the front seat of the car for the week (otherwise the four of us took turns
- getting to get my dad a soda out of the fridge and sipping whatever didn't fit into the glass (soda was a rare treat, and I used to put a ton of ice cubes in the glass so I got more)
- getting to pick which (homemade) treat my mother would make (brownies? her special-recipe chocolate cake?, etc.)
- staying up an extra half hour to watch tv with mom and dad
- getting to watch all of "The Wizard of Oz", "The Sound of Music" and "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" while my mom made popcorn - these were usually shown around Easter.

Now, nothing is special. You don't wait a year to watch a beloved movie. You join everything without having a particular talent or skill. It seems to make things less special. Kids don't know what to do with free time. They can't just sit and hang out. And as a result, parents are becoming that way, too - they have to be involved 24/7, keeping pace with other parents. It's sad.

This made me smile. That is exactly how I grew up. My favorite birthday dinner was spaghetti. I have always done the special birthday dinner with my kids. AND Charlie Brown!!! My favorite especially around this time of year. I still get excited when I see the ad that it will be on. My kids don't get Charlie Brown at all. Shotgun! ha ha with the front seat and not wearing seat belts in the back. We NEVER had sodas but I drank A LOT of Hawaiian Punch. Bed Knobs and Broom Sticks was my absolute favorite but I also dug Herbie. The biggest treat for us as a kid Pizza! We NEVER went out to dinner EVER.

I have also noticed that these girls who go through recruitment are so sophisticated. My 18 year old self would have never gotten a bid today.

[KSUViolet06]

To add to that, depending on where you live (esp. if you're a suburbanite) you have gone to the same elementary, same middle, and same HS as all of your friends. You've been in cheer, dance, student council, etc. with the same 4-5 BFFs. When you leave that comfort zone for college, your standby friendships aren't there anymore.

Many times, students look to Greek Life to sort of instantly recreate that.

That typically leads to the "OMG it's been 2 weeks and no one is my BFF yet!!!!" post here on GC.

They just aren't used to making friends. Suzie has been friends with her 5 BFFs since 4th grade. When is the last time she actually had to make an effort to get to know anyone?

[GeorgiaGreek]

Is it possible that there are the same number of kids having trouble adjusting to college and making friends, but forums are more available and popular for them to seek out help?

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGreek

Is it possible that there are the same number of kids having trouble adjusting to college and making friends, but forums are more available and popular for them to seek out help?

I think it is this. I was pretty miserable my whole first semester of college. I'd had the same really good friends for 10+ years. I'd been involved in lots of activities in high school. I got to college and knew 3 people on the whole campus. I was kind of lucky that one of them was one of my best friends from high school (male) and his roommate, who was my boyfriend at the time. They kind of showed me the ropes around campus. But, that first semester, I was still pretty miserable because I missed my female friends a lot. The ones who knew your whole life story and loved you anyway. I missed the privacy of having my own room to just "be" when I wanted to just "be". I was on a pretty big campus (25,000) and felt pretty isolated, like I didn't have a niche. That did all change when I joined my sorority.

I think Hypo has adjusted faster than I did but her dorm floor is pretty tight already. My dorm floor wasn't like that. The texts I got that first night though... they broke my heart! "I'm really overwhelmed and I don't know how to make friends." She got over it pretty quickly though

ETA: I just changed jobs last year, after 11 years in the same department with the same group of people, some of whom became really good friends. The first few months in my new job were tough too. I think it takes time for most people when you take them out of their comfort zone and put them in a new situation.

[33girl]

There have ALWAYS been kids whose parents were a zillion miles up their ass and didn't give them time to have a free moment. I think the technology anod other things are honestly more to blame. I mean...we didn't have cable TV in our dorm rooms, we HAD to go to the TV room to watch anything more than the campus cable access. Single rooms were VERY rare...basically you got stuck with your roommate and that was it. 2 large bathrooms for 60 girls on a floor. Now almost everything is "suite style." You never need to go into a large common area, and many parents/kids demand single rooms.

Kids have been watching The Real World for umpteen years and see those idiots playing to the camera and saying "I love you!" and acting like best friends 20 minutes into the first episode. They think that's what living with others is like.

[IUHoosiergirl88]

I definitely think part of it is the more ubiquitous nature of online forums, don't get me wrong. I guess I feel like I never knew kids with 'executive functioning disorders' or who really vocalized when they didn't feel like they fit in. Maybe it was a product of my upbringing, but even when I was bullied a a college freshman, I just dealt with it and found a new group of friends. I totally understand the whole having trouble making friends at first, but to as a sophomore or junior have made 0 friends...? It just seems so off

I just feel like the structured nature of helicopter kids makes it so hard for them to learn how to function on their own. When they don't fit in or are struggling with classes, their parents want to come fix it. It completely baffles me!

[DubaiSis]

I think kids are more open to going far away to school now than maybe they were a generation ago, and that can make for a more challenging time adapting. I went to school about 1 hour away, as did probably 50 kids from my school - to the same university. When 90% of your student population is from within 5 hours of the school and you are within that group, cultural norms are going to be a lot more similar (and thus easier) to what you've grown up with. Plop Midwestern smallish town kid into Bama or NYU or Pepperdine and there are going to be a lot of challenges beyond just education. And vice versa. The kid who grew up at 50th and 5th in New York is going to have a real culture shock and difficulty making friends at Iowa or Texas State or Coastal Carolina.

I'm all for kids expanding their horizons, but possibly they're not being counseled enough on how to adapt to a new environment.

[aggieAXO]

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

I think kids are more open to going far away to school now than maybe they were a generation ago, and that can make for a more challenging time adapting. I went to school about 1 hour away, as did probably 50 kids from my school - to the same university. When 90% of your student population is from within 5 hours of the school and you are within that group, cultural norms are going to be a lot more similar (and thus easier) to what you've grown up with. Plop Midwestern smallish town kid into Bama or NYU or Pepperdine and there are going to be a lot of challenges beyond just education. And vice versa. The kid who grew up at 50th and 5th in New York is going to have a real culture shock and difficulty making friends at Iowa or Texas State or Coastal Carolina.

I'm all for kids expanding their horizons, but possibly they're not being counseled enough on how to adapt to a new environment.

This^^^
At my HS you either went to A&M, UT or Tech. I went to college with most of my best friends from high school so I really didn't need to make new friends (but I did). I will admit, I had a helicopter mom-I think I turned out ok.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by IUHoosiergirl88

I definitely think part of it is the more ubiquitous nature of online forums, don't get me wrong. I guess I feel like I never knew kids with 'executive functioning disorders' or who really vocalized when they didn't feel like they fit in. Maybe it was a product of my upbringing, but even when I was bullied a a college freshman, I just dealt with it and found a new group of friends. I totally understand the whole having trouble making friends at first, but to as a sophomore or junior have made 0 friends...? It just seems so off

I just feel like the structured nature of helicopter kids makes it so hard for them to learn how to function on their own. When they don't fit in or are struggling with classes, their parents want to come fix it. It completely baffles me!

You may never have known those kids, but as others have said, they've been around for a long time -- both kids who have a heard time making friends and kids with helicopter parents. (We didn't talk about helicopter parents, of course -- we said that their parents "hovered" or were over-protective or too involved.)

I knew quite a few of both when I was in college 30 years ago -- there's absolutely nothing new about it. What's new are things (like technology) that can have the effect of exacerbating the problems, that can make us more aware of these problems or make them seem more prevalant, or that can give people a "safe environment" to talk personally about these problems and thereby make it seem more acceptable to talk about it elsewhere.

[atrianglepi]

I am part of a FB group of parents where my son attends college. The fwap, fwap, fwap is deafening. My son is very shy and he goes to school in a different part of the country. I told him before he left to make sure he was outgoing and inviting people to eat with him, etc. I just saw him this past weekend and he has adjusted beautifully. I don't monitor his every move or call him everyday. Contrast that with the other parents in this group who lament that their child has no friends, sits alone in their room on a Saturday night. They have talked about getting their kids together. Play dates all over again. It is time to cut the cord people. At some point Mommy/Daddy are not going to be able to take care of every nuance of your life. All 3 of my kids are in college, no one has any hometown friends at school with them. They have made friends and moved forward. Did I have a part in it? Absolutely Not!