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12-07-2005, 03:17 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2003
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Quote:
Originally posted by Honeykiss1974
The bible tells us the "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." (Proverbs 31 29-30). (now this can apply to a man too).
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Love that verse
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"When I wake up, everything I went through will be beautiful." Jill Scott
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12-08-2005, 12:39 AM
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Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: NY
Posts: 8,594
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I am not sure that many people have the social skills to keep a romantic relatationship going for a long time. And I think the expectations are so much higher.
In the beginning everyone is on their best behavior, we are charming, clever, affable, and the men act romantically.
For most people thats an aberation to their everyday life. Much like people that are extremely nice at Christmas and not so nice the rest of the year.
In order to keep romance in a relationship you have to posses both excellent social skills and coping skills.
You have to be able to sustain a charming affable veneer the vast majority of time. In fact that has to be essentially who you are.
And you need to be kind of person that constantly does the little things that differentiate a love affair from other types of friendship.
Most people just aren't that way, so they allow the relationship to fall into a comfortable mediocrity punctuated by occassional attempts to "restore the passion" which means they make an effort to do what they should have never stopped doing.
That comfortable mediocrity is what most people call love.
Your coping skills rank right up with your social skills in importance. By coping skills I am referring to your ability to deal with the everyday upsets and stress common to life.
IF your coping mechanisms make you unhappy a significant portion of the time, or make you angry easy or in other ways make your partner's life unhappy . . . then you have become a stressor to your partner which erodes the romantic part of your relationship.
Seriously, the vast majority of people I know have no effective means of coping with stress, pressure, tension, life or whatever you want to call it.
So they act out in ways they are usually not aware of that slowly erodes their relationships because their partner picks up on the unhappiness and it makes them unhappy.
Ok I am kind off on a tangent . . . but I keep thinking that unless we start training people to deal with their own lives better, and then expand their social skills until they can behave towards people in a positive way that elicits the reactions they want; we are just going to have a lot unsuccessful relationships.
Unsuccessful if they leave, and unsuccessful if they stay.
And given that expectations are so much higher today . . . no matter how much people sugar coat, they will know in the deep dark sadness of their soul that their relationship is a pale imitation of the brightness and romance that they both desire and could possess if their life skills were a little sharper and their courage was a little greater.
Quote:
Originally posted by SummerChild
Rain Man, I only looked at the first link but it is absolutely ridiculous. As I said, if people would just take the time to get to know who they are dealing with then many of the author's points would not be an issue. It seems to me that the author (and other men who believe that garbage) need to re-evaluate their selection of women. The whoa-is-me-no-woman-is-going-to-treat-me-right line of thinking is tired.
SC
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12-08-2005, 02:48 PM
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GreekChat Member
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 266
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Quote:
Originally posted by soulfulremix
Quote:
Originally posted by southernelle25
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Quote:
Originally posted by Honeykiss1974
Let me start off by saying that my view on love/marriage is based on a religious/Christian POV.
Everyone's talked a lot about marriage and how large of a commitment it is - which is all true. However, on a more personal level, we should really be examining the qualities or requirements/standards that we have set for "future mate". For example, are you looking for a man/woman that is rich, handsome, body like Beyonce/Usher? Or you looking for a hardworking man/woman that is romantic, has a sense of humor, and loves family more than anything?
The bible tells us the "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." (Proverbs 31 29-30). (now this can apply to a man too). I firmly believe that when you are raptured by physical/outside qualities of a person and base your mate selection on that, then you are building a house on sand as opposed to a rock. I've seen SO MANY people use the wrong criteria for determining whether or not someone is mate material and then wonder why things didn't work out (divorce).
For example, in Proverns 31, at no point in the chapter is a physical description of the woman's appearance is given - but yet all the traits and qualities about this kind of woman is what a man should look for in a wife. These are qualities that do not go out style, but qualities that when the going get's tough, these attributes will help the couple weather the storm.
I'm not saying its wrong to be attracted to your mate (which is a whole 'nother subject), but it takes more for a marriage to last that a nice booty in a mini skirt or for the ladies, a 6 pack in a wifebeater.
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Amen!
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12-08-2005, 10:44 PM
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GreekChat Member
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: South of the Mason-Dixon Line
Posts: 1,514
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So James, will you share some of the behaviors that are aligned with having coping skills? I hear you but it's kind of abstract. Can you bring it home for me?
SC
Quote:
Originally posted by James
I am not sure that many people have the social skills to keep a romantic relatationship going for a long time. And I think the expectations are so much higher.
In the beginning everyone is on their best behavior, we are charming, clever, affable, and the men act romantically.
For most people thats an aberation to their everyday life. Much like people that are extremely nice at Christmas and not so nice the rest of the year.
In order to keep romance in a relationship you have to posses both excellent social skills and coping skills.
You have to be able to sustain a charming affable veneer the vast majority of time. In fact that has to be essentially who you are.
And you need to be kind of person that constantly does the little things that differentiate a love affair from other types of friendship.
Most people just aren't that way, so they allow the relationship to fall into a comfortable mediocrity punctuated by occassional attempts to "restore the passion" which means they make an effort to do what they should have never stopped doing.
That comfortable mediocrity is what most people call love.
Your coping skills rank right up with your social skills in importance. By coping skills I am referring to your ability to deal with the everyday upsets and stress common to life.
IF your coping mechanisms make you unhappy a significant portion of the time, or make you angry easy or in other ways make your partner's life unhappy . . . then you have become a stressor to your partner which erodes the romantic part of your relationship.
Seriously, the vast majority of people I know have no effective means of coping with stress, pressure, tension, life or whatever you want to call it.
So they act out in ways they are usually not aware of that slowly erodes their relationships because their partner picks up on the unhappiness and it makes them unhappy.
Ok I am kind off on a tangent . . . but I keep thinking that unless we start training people to deal with their own lives better, and then expand their social skills until they can behave towards people in a positive way that elicits the reactions they want; we are just going to have a lot unsuccessful relationships.
Unsuccessful if they leave, and unsuccessful if they stay.
And given that expectations are so much higher today . . . no matter how much people sugar coat, they will know in the deep dark sadness of their soul that their relationship is a pale imitation of the brightness and romance that they both desire and could possess if their life skills were a little sharper and their courage was a little greater.
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12-09-2005, 09:21 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Beyond
Posts: 5,092
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The only thing that keeps a marriage going!!!
COMMUNICATION!!!
Any questions?
__________________
We thank and pledge Alpha Kappa Alpha to remember...
"I'm watching with a new service that translates 'stupid-to-English'" ~ @Shoq of ShoqValue.com 1 of my Tweeple
"Yo soy una mujer negra" ~Zoe Saldana
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12-09-2005, 09:32 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Beyond
Posts: 5,092
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The communication has to be both ways and it has to shared to make the communication work no matter how one feels. Sure, someone may need at least 24 hours to cool down or whatever. But once everything has cooled, then it time to resume the issue and not skirt it so that it will blow up all again.
Some of that is some internal work that each partner must do individually.
Then why would one want to marry an kniving [sp?], evil, punk-assed, silly stupid person...
And even from a Christian perspective, it is about being equally yolked... More than anything else. And it is about letting God provide. If God wants to provide you with a mate, then it will happen. But once you force it to happen, then that is really not of God. Always the "telltale" signs are there--something shady or flags are waving... Whatever it is, what else is God suppose to do to tell you NOT to be with this person?
For me, I waited until my mid-30's to get married my first time... And now, I am in my late-30's and may have missed out on having children because I waited for the best man for me--the one I sincerely and truly believe that God has set before me. There were plenty of other men before my husband, but all of the relationships that I had, I was forcing it to make it happen. I could have gotten married to a millionaire, a medical doctor, pilot or a corporate lawyer... But each "type" of guy, I knew... I just somehow knew that this man was not the one for me. My heart NEVER fluttered--no smile to my face when I "fathomed" these guys...
But when my husband came around, it was something about him, call it his character that instantly attracted me to him... As far as getting him to commit to me, that was what we both wanted at the same time. The whole relationship fell together. Sure we have our issues and sometimes we fight like cats and dogs. But, there are many ways to ensure the best communication between your significant other. And sometimes, it just may be silence with prayer...
__________________
We thank and pledge Alpha Kappa Alpha to remember...
"I'm watching with a new service that translates 'stupid-to-English'" ~ @Shoq of ShoqValue.com 1 of my Tweeple
"Yo soy una mujer negra" ~Zoe Saldana
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12-09-2005, 09:40 PM
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GreekChat Member
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Somewhere, waiting on a phone call, probably...
Posts: 454
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^^^I'm not even married, but co-sign on communication. My parents have been married for over 30 years and communication is what they both maintain keeps it going. In any relationship, you have to be open and clear about your intentions, issues, etc. Games are for children, so when you become grown, stop playing them. Say what needs to be said and if he is not trying to hear it, keep stepping on to the next man who will. Stop trying to 'change' him into Mr. Caring. That's not your job.
Add 'not overanalyzing' to that too. Women ---especially--- get so caught up in trying to figure out 'why this, why that---just why?!' that we miss out on the reality of the situation we're in. Then we do dumb stuff like 'well, you know, he's a man. He's made to act that way, etc' and we don't consider what we may be doing to cause these actions. Or maybe we can't accept that it's not all men, it's this one mutha-effa who won't/can't act right and that we need to just move on.
Bottom line: All men don't cheat; your's did. All men aren't afraid of committment; your's is. All men aren't dogs; your's is. Hell, women are just as, and in many cases more so, doggish than men. It just depends on how the wheel is spun.
We will waste millions of dollars and time into trying to be psychoanalysts and miss out on the learning/loving experience of being in love/having a real. loving relationship. If you keep finding doggish men, chances are, the problem isn't the doggish men, it's you. Do something different.
enigma_AKA
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12-12-2005, 05:37 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: in my head
Posts: 1,031
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aka_money and honeykiss....
WELL SAID!!
I COSIGN....
__________________
"SI, SE PUEDE!"
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01-01-2006, 09:36 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2000
Location: Studio 33 (aka The Bob Barker Studio), CBS Television City
Posts: 1,609
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Re: Men and Committment (website of article's findings)
Quote:
Originally posted by Honeykiss1974
NEW YORK (Reuters) -- It's official. Men really are afraid of commitment.
Confirming what women have long known, an American study released on Wednesday shows men are dragging their feet on getting married.
Researchers say one of the biggest reasons that men are delaying marriage is that more and more couples are choosing to live together before marriage. As a result, sex -- traditionally one of the main reasons for men to marry -- is relatively easily available, they say.
"In a sense, with cohabitation he gets a quasi-wife without having to commit," said David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University in New Jersey.
"Another big thing in addition to cohabitation is that these men are very, very concerned about divorce. It's not getting your heart broken ... the worst thing that could happen is that somebody could take their money," Popenoe adds.
The preliminary findings report on the attitudes toward marriage of 60 unmarried, heterosexual men, between the ages of 25-33. The participants, from different religious, ethnic and family backgrounds, were from four major metropolitan areas in northern New Jersey, Chicago, Houston, and Washington, D.C.
Researchers say both men and women are putting off getting married. The average age for men's first marriage is now 27, the oldest in history, the study shows. That compares to the average age of 23 in 1960, Popenoe said.
For women, the average age of their first marriage has risen to 25, a full five years older than the 1960 average.
And giving women even more reason to be impatient that their boyfriends are dragging their feet, researchers say the trend favors the men.
"Guys can afford to wait to marry. The older they get, the better their chances in some ways of getting married, while for women it's the reverse," Popenoe said.
"Once a woman gets into her 30s, it's more likely that she will have to marry a man who was married earlier. It's more likely that she will marry a man who brings kids (into the marriage) and more likely that she will have a child by herself," Popenoe says.
Copyright 2002 Reuters. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.
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The website that details the findings based on the above article can be found here:
The State of Our Unions; The Social Health of Marriage in America
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