Pregnant Prospective Members?

[Glitterkitty]

Like everything else in life I'd say "it depends". It depends on the house, the lady, the circumstances and the chapter. What there definitely needs to be is honest open communication. If there is a requirement for new members to live in the house-bring that up. Say, we really like you but we can't have kids here and that's one of our rules. If you have a prblem keeping girls in the house, then maybe it is not a good time for her. Maybe she could COB later or something.

If there is not a house to worry about then there are different circumstances. Does she live close by or is she commuting an hour one way to school? Does she understand the meetinf schedules and fine schedule up front. I know we hate to divulge all our "dirty" rules like fines to a PNM, but here, once again, if you really really like her, maybe you could talk to her. Once she realizes what a huge committment financially etc it is she may whithdraw herself.

Now, if you have a smallish chapter, with no house and rush isn't super competitive and a little more laid back, she has a nice support system at home, you like her/she likes you-she might work out just fine.

Basically though, don't totally dissmiss her. People join Junior League, PEO and are super involved in other demanding things in life and they have kids and it works out totally fine. Why a sorority should be any different is unclear to me. I mean most of your alumnae and super duper committed national officers aren't that old and they have kids.

[Glitterkitty]

Originally posted by greencat
Actually it's a mutual selection process. And if a chapter thinks it is great she has a kid, good for them and good for her, but I don't think you'll find that at the southern colleges.

I went to a southern college and we had a PNM go through who had a little girl and let me tell you, the sorority girls were lining up to hold her/play with her! She ended up getting into one of the top houses and she was s good member. Sure she didn't go to every fraternity party and sometimes didn't make the socials, but she came to all the important stuff. And she didn't always bring her child, sometimes yes, but only when it was appropriate like maybe a field-day philanthropy type event or basketball game.

[ThetaPrincess24]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Bama_Alumna
[B]If a sorority here had a pregnant pledge or active, it would be the talk of the campus. I knew a couple of people who got pregnant when they were in college, but they dropped out of their sororities when they found out.



There was a girl in my chapter before i cam in that got pregnant. She quit, though she couldve gone inactive. I know of girls in other chapters that have been in the same situation that have gone inactive.

[sororitygirl2]

Quite honestly, I would not have wanted a pregnant girl in my house when I was in college.

We had a girl who got pregnant and she went alum., which I think was appropriate. It's not that we didn't want her to be a sister anymore - it was her choice - and of course she will always be a sister, but some circumstances make it rather difficult to be an ACTIVE sister.

I am not saying that no mothers could, but I would say that most young mothers would struggle to balance the responsibilities of motherhood and sorority life.

I know everyone will probably get mad about this, but on my campus, it wouldn't look very good for the chapter either. But then again, I went to a school where the sororities are on the traditional side - not to the Southern degree, but the girls are always 18 to 23 or so, live in dorms/sorority houses/apartments, don't commute, etc... It just would have stood out, I guess. I am sure things are different at some schools, or maybe some chapters would be willing to take a stand to try to make things different at theirs.

[penguintpa_lady]

First of all i want to say that you are not suppose to discriminate against PNM, & if you are not giving someone a bid because they are pregnant or have a child THEN U ARE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST THAT PERSON.

I see NO problem with a member having a child or being pregnant. My big had a little boy before she came thru, who stayed with her mom & she went home (or he came here) almost every weekend. the sisters all loved him, we spoiled him like crazy, let him come to events, and done everything w/ him.
Last year my best friend came thru she had a young son & was pregnant w/ her little girl. everyone thought it was great!!!!!! Again, the sisters just adored him. helped baby-sit & was there for her during some hard times. Now dont get me wrong it was a little different because we were local @ the time. my big is now alum. & the friend did not go thru nationally because she took the qtr. off to have her baby when we were going national. she still wants to go thru & at the point she is not in school but she has been thinking about coming in as an alumni int. But the sisters still invite her to things & tell her to bring the kids by etc.

[Bama_Alumna]

if you are not giving someone a bid because they are pregnant or have a child THEN U ARE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST THAT PERSON.

Okay, I suppose you are right. But there are only so many spots we can fill, and there are hundreds of PNMs. We have to cut somebody, and if the PNM is pregnant, she is going to be cut. Plain and simple. First, she is more likely to drop out. Second, she is less likely to be financially able to be a member. Third, she will probably not have the time to be as involved as a woman without children.

And yes, people do talk... it is generally not looked upon favorably to have a child out of wedlock. That is true no matter what part of the country you're in. I suppose one might be judged less harshly in some areas than others, and I'm not saying that it is good or bad...to each her own! But a sorority at a conservative and competitive school like Alabama or Ole Miss is not going to have a pregnant undergrad walking around in their letters! And even if she's married, the same reasons apply--time and money.

We have to cut somebody for some reason. You can't say that everyone we cut is because we are "discriminating" against that person. I suppose that when we cut someone we are also discriminating against people with bad fashion sense, people whose parents didn't teach them good manners, people who can't afford dues, etc. With 1000 PNMs and 55 spots to fill, someone is going to be cut no matter what.

[CarolinaCutie]

Originally posted by penguintpa_lady
First of all i want to say that you are not suppose to discriminate against PNM, & if you are not giving someone a bid because they are pregnant or have a child THEN U ARE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST THAT PERSON.

Sororities are discriminatory by nature. We pick and choose who we want as members of our organization. I see having a child (or being pregnant) as a very large time commitment, like having a full-time job or being a triple major. While none of those things are dealbreakers for me, I would think twice about extending a bid to someone with ANY of those qualifications. Being an active, visible, participating member of the chapter is a requirement for being a member in Phi Mu. If I felt like she would not be able to adequately devote time to my sorority, I would probably question her motivations for wanting to become a member. I get stressed with time, as do most of my sisters... I simply cannot imagine if there was a CHILD thrown in the mix.

[WhiteDaisy128]

First of all i want to say that you are not suppose to discriminate against PNM, & if you are not giving someone a bid because they are pregnant or have a child THEN U ARE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST THAT PERSON.

I agree that discriminating against people is wrong...

HOWEVER, when PNMs are cut during Membership Selection there are usually reasons. If a PNM said she hated going to class and she gets crazy drunk all the time, she would probably be cut...does this mean we are discriminating against people who get drunk all the time and skip class? Sororities discriminate against older students ALL THE TIME...look up posts on this board. Sororities want members who will match their values and ideals, furthermore, they want members who can meet all sorority obligations...I personally, do not think that a pregnant PNM would be able to meet all obligations. She would have a lot going on in here life.

ETA: Oh Darn, someone beat me to the point I was making...ah, well, great minds think alike.

[kddani]

I guess maybe I don't get it. And i'm from a liberal northern school!
What priorities should be:

#1- THE CHILD. Children ain't easy, they require a lot of time, money, love, and nuturing.
#2- School. That's what you're there for.
#3- whatever else, i.e. sororities, clubs, etc

Sororities require A LOT of time (and money), no matter what area of the country you're in. Children require a lot of time (from their parents, NOT babysitters). School requires a lot of time.

Maybe it's just me, but as a parent I'm going to want to spend a lot of time with my kid.

I don't understand why someone would WANT to be involved in ANY ACTIVITY that would require them to spend so much time away from their child.

Yes, it's great to make friendships and stuff. But many of our parents weren't in sororities (or didn't even go to college!), and they have friends- they make them through playgroups, etc.

Guess i'm just from the school of though that children should be the number one priority in your life if you choose to have them...

[KillarneyRose]

Originally posted by texasgrl
I think we need to be realistic. In some schools, having a sister who is pregnant and/or has a child would be ok and others it would not.

I think you did a great job of summing up this entire thread in a nutshell, texasgrl!

[33girl]

Ditto my collar-popping homegirl.

If you have a chapter at a commuter school with a student body that is not the normal 18-22 bunch, you're going to have all kinds of things that don't go on at "traditional" schools. This is one of them. If you are at a very traditional school where the tongues wag if you pledge a junior, I don't think the mom-to-be is going to be a sister there.

However, I don't think it's up to any of us to judge and say "a pregnant/married/mother should not do this or that." Everyone conducts their life differently. Some single traditional students can't handle being a sorority member and nothing else - some women can juggle 2 kids, a house, a hubby, school and extracurriculars with no trouble.

May I also add this is why we have a pledging period. If ANY woman finds she's bitten off more than she can chew, she can drop out of pledging.

[Measi]

Originally posted by BetaRose
Threads like these make me love my sorority even more.

Agreed-- one of the reasons I'm pursuing membership in your particular sorority is its acceptance of women from all walks of life, all finance structures, all body types, etc.

~ Mel.

[XOMichelle]

Originally posted by kddani

I don't understand why someone would WANT to be involved in ANY ACTIVITY that would require them to spend so much time away from their child.

Because you don't stop being a person when you have a child, and if you don't spend SOME time away from your kid, you will go nuts.
Think of it as less of a requirement, and more of a making friends and having fun activity. Besides, what is "appropriate" to your grandmother's friends and what will make you happy can be very different things. Think outside the box, folks!!

Look, I went to Stanford, which although it is not in the south, has a very traditional student body by virtue of being one of the nation's top colleges. Only a handful of people are older than 23 when they are getting their bachelors (off the top of my head, I only knew 5 students that were over 23 when in school), EVERYONE lives on campus, and all the sororities and fraternities that have houses must fill their houses to keep renting them from the University. Not only that, school is hard, and virtually everyone goes into it with the same work-a-holic attitude. This isn't the unconventioal school profile where most of you think the parent or mother would fit in. And, with all of this going against my boyfriend, he joined one of the best houses on campus. In fact, other frats were upset that he joined where he did, since they wanted him too.

So before you start putting your ideas of motherhood or fatherhood in someone else's life, think about this story, and Glitterkitty's story, and keep an open mind about people who make non-traditonal choices with their lives.

[ADPi1201]

I have to agree that pregnant women and women with children need to place their priorities elsewhere then in a sorority. We have had women who became pregnant during their time and went alum instead of becoming the talk of the town. Rumers are spread, no matter where you go to school and no, people do not have any better things to do then ground an opposing sorority or fraternity into the ground. There are other clubs and organizations for older women who want the sisterhood a sorority can give to them. Most undergraduates have no idea what these women are going through with motherhood and if I was a mother I would prefer to find friends that were on my level.

[greencat]

a sorority is a lot like a jealous lover. it wants you all the time. when you only fulfill the minimum you feel out of the loop. if you work all the time, have a kid, etc., you're not going to be able to put into it as much as you like.

it's a mutual selection process. it is about image. yes, it's superficial. deal with it. pnm's cut houses because they don't like the look of certain women, the colors, etc.

the ages range from 16-23. most of those girls are single, and with ranging degrees of immaturity. a mother needs to exercise good judgement and what works for her single, 19 year old sister isn't necessarily her best choice. and sororities offer a lot of choices and opportunities. how would a mother identify with that level of maturity? the same goes for a 27 year old joining. she should be associating with people her own age, who are on the same level. same goes for married people. your priorities are just different.

it may work for some campuses and chapters, and that's great. no one is trying to change your campus.