How important is family background to you?

cheerfulgreek · #1 11-19-2008, 11:03 AM

Last night, I got into a discussion about this subject with a friend of mine, so I thought it would be a good topic to start a thread on.

When we date people, we date to see if that person is compatible with us or not. Some of us can tell within the 1st five minutes if this is going to be someone I can hang out with, rather it's for friendship, sex, or a serious relationship. But when you date someone, rather it's casual dating or for something more serious, how important is that person's family background to you? Does it really matter?

For me, I don't really think it matters. I've never been seriously involved with a guy(s) who actually has/had a bad family, not because it was my choice, but because those guys were guys I met and took interest in. The family isn't what attracted me to those guys. The guys I've "dated" may have had some family issues, but I never really looked into it because they were only dates, and not guys I wanted to get serious with, so I didn't care. For the guys I wanted something serious with, I still didn't care, because it was the guy I wanted not the family. I mean, if he comes from a good family, that's great, but if he doesn't, then that's fine too. It's not a deal breaker for me.

What is it? Is it a total deal breaker for you? And what would you define as a bad family background? What might be bad for you, may not be for someone else.

christiangirl · #2 11-19-2008, 11:51 AM

Oh Lord, you're gonna have PB in here raising hell aren't you?

"Family background" is so broad to me. Are we talking family values, social class, all of the above? Help me understand what you mean and I'll give it a spin.

33girl · #3 11-19-2008, 11:56 AM

It's not background per se but values they were brought up with.

For example - I could never see myself with a guy who's been brought up to live on credit, spend lavishly etc. That is completely counter to how I was raised. A person could be poor or rich and still be raised with the "spend more than you have" mindset. I hope I'm making sense.

KSUViolet06 · #4 11-19-2008, 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

It's not background per se but values they were brought up with.

Agreed. If a person has been brought up with certain values that are the OPPOSITE of mine, it can be a deal breaker for me. The family itself isn't the issue.

I do have an issue with "nosy moms" who like to be all in their kids business though.

cheerfulgreek · #5 11-19-2008, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by christiangirl

Oh Lord, you're gonna have PB in here raising hell aren't you?

"Family background" is so broad to me. Are we talking family values, social class, all of the above? Help me understand what you mean and I'll give it a spin.

CG, it's hard for me to say, because I look at the guy not his family, but I guess I would mean like, pretty much everything. For example, if he was a great guy, but some members of his family were in jail, or on drugs, or maybe he was abused. I dunno, things like that, or pretty much some of the things you've listed too. Whatever is important to you.

PrettyBoy is already a given. I wouldn't even ask, it's a deal breaker for him. For him, she's gotta come from a "Royal Family" and speak the queen's English.

DrPhil · #6 11-19-2008, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

some members of his family were in jail, or on drugs

This matters to me but not because I will judge him. I will judge his family and those family members won't be coming around our household.

If someone is not taking charge of their life and/or in trouble all the time, I refuse to allow them to add drama to my life. That includes constantly having a problem to talk about or asking to borrow money. I feel no shame in telling anyone "no."

AGDee · #7 11-20-2008, 07:54 AM

Considering the fact that my marriage didn't make it because of his dysfunctional family's issues and his unwillingness to work on how it affected him in counseling, I would take a good hard look at this in the future.

christiangirl · #8 11-20-2008, 11:54 AM

Well, I'll give it a whirl. Values are important to me and those must be similar. Our faiths must be similar, but not exactly mirror image. Labels aren't super important to me, as long as Jesus is in the mix as the Savior (not just random John Doe who like to do stuff for people) then I'm good. If you believe that, then I don't really care what you call yourself. I think someone from the same social class would be best, but there are good men in all classes. I wouldn't necessarily judge him on his family (no one would touch me with a 10-foot pole if they judged me on mine!) but it's important to see where a person comes from. Once we become adults, it doesn't affect us so much anymore, but the environment a person grew up in will always tell a lot about them. Values (like education, saving money) would have to be in line because we can't possibly raise our children as a team if we're polar opposites on what's really important in life. Also, whoever I marry has to have a rich sense of culture. I'm not super particular on race, but he's got to have a sense of where he comes from. I can't be one of those families whose kids say, "Where did our family come from?" and my husband says, "Well, honey, you know I was born in Texas."

cheerfulgreek · #9 11-21-2008, 07:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by christiangirl

Well, I'll give it a whirl. Values are important to me and those must be similar. Our faiths must be similar, but not exactly mirror image. Labels aren't super important to me, as long as Jesus is in the mix as the Savior (not just random John Doe who like to do stuff for people) then I'm good. If you believe that, then I don't really care what you call yourself. I think someone from the same social class would be best, but there are good men in all classes. I wouldn't necessarily judge him on his family (no one would touch me with a 10-foot pole if they judged me on mine!) but it's important to see where a person comes from. Once we become adults, it doesn't affect us so much anymore, but the environment a person grew up in will always tell a lot about them. Values (like education, saving money) would have to be in line because we can't possibly raise our children as a team if we're polar opposites on what's really important in life. Also, whoever I marry has to have a rich sense of culture. I'm not super particular on race, but he's got to have a sense of where he comes from. I can't be one of those families whose kids say, "Where did our family come from?" and my husband says, "Well, honey, you know I was born in Texas."

This is the best post here. I agree 110%.

SWTXBelle · #10 11-22-2008, 02:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by christiangirl

Also, whoever I marry has to have a rich sense of culture. I'm not super particular on race, but he's got to have a sense of where he comes from. I can't be one of those families whose kids say, "Where did our family come from?" and my husband says, "Well, honey, you know I was born in Texas."

You might wish to change your example - Being from Texas is a big part of a Texian's sense of where he (or she!) comes from, and we most certainly have a distinct culture!

agzg · #11 11-19-2008, 12:44 PM

In my experience, while there are things that parents do that drive me nuts (like live-in's mom trying to give us a crib or hinting not so subtly that she wants grandkids NOW), but as far as being a deal-breaker, only if his family is full of serial killers and rapists.

The guys I pick, I pick for them. If they don't display the same nutty qualities that their families display, it's pretty much all gravy. If they do behave very similar to their parents (for instance, it would be a deal breaker if live-in had accepted the crib then pressured me to have a baby) I might question why I got into the relationship in the first place. Parents might drive me bonkers, but as long as they're not going to harm me physically I can avoid the touchy subjects.

I've noticed that some of the guys I've dated have had AWESOME families but have been complete jerks. I have been sadder over a breakup because of his family instead of him before.

XOMichelle · #12 11-19-2008, 01:45 PM

I feel like I've get along better with men who grew up in a similar socioeconomic and educational environments. They are used how I feel about various topics: family, career, money, etc, and are more likely to agree with me. The last time I dated someone with a very different background, it didn't go very well (of course, he was jacked-up independent of that, but the background differences accentuated some stuff).

As for family involvement... my family is low-key and uninvolved (we all live far from each other), and I would get weirded out by more involved families. I would def spar with the woman who wanted to give me a crib to spurr on childbearing! Of course, I'm going to get married old-ish, so I'm hoping the future in-law has more sense than to mess with a 30+ y.o.

OneTimeSBX · #13 11-19-2008, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XOMichelle

I feel like I've get along better with men who grew up in a similar socioeconomic and educational environments.

i totally agree...there are several rule breakers for me.

1. mamas boy...do i really need to go there lol!
2. grew up completely spoiled and doesnt "respect" money
3. nosy azz family. why do my S.O's aunts all have my phone number??? at first i was upset, but they never call so its ok. but if they did???

4. doesnt attend ANY kind of church. we need to both believe in Jesus, the rest can be dealt with over time. i dont have the type of religion where one of us needs to convert so that is a good starting point.

RU OX Alum · #14 11-19-2008, 02:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

i totally agree...there are several rule breakers for me.

1. mamas boy...do i really need to go there lol!
2. grew up completely spoiled and doesnt "respect" money
3. nosy azz family. why do my S.O's aunts all have my phone number??? at first i was upset, but they never call so its ok. but if they did???

4. doesnt attend ANY kind of church. we need to both believe in Jesus, the rest can be dealt with over time. i dont have the type of religion where one of us needs to convert so that is a good starting point.

How can you say he won't have to convert if you have to both believe in Jesus?

agzg · #15 11-19-2008, 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by XOMichelle

As for family involvement... my family is low-key and uninvolved (we all live far from each other), and I would get weirded out by more involved families. I would def spar with the woman who wanted to give me a crib to spurr on childbearing! Of course, I'm going to get married old-ish, so I'm hoping the future in-law has more sense than to mess with a 30+ y.o.

I've never seen a boyfriend's parents more than this one - probably because we only live 45 minutes away. We see at least one of my boyfriend's family members almost every week. I'm 24, we're not married, we're just starting this living together thing. The woman is baby crazy!

I'm so glad my boyfriend agrees with me on the child/marriage issue, though - We are planning on it but not until we're financially stable enough to support that kind of life! Plus, he said, and this is a direct quote: "If you got pregnant we'd NEVER get rid of my mom!"

Part of me thinks she wants to live out her own life through us (his parents divorced a couple of years ago). I have a feeling that if and when we get married and have kids, the pressure would be on to have a girl, specifically, because she had two boys and always talks about how she wished they'd had a girl, too, so she'd have someone to girltalk with. Girltalk with her makes me extremely uncomfortable.