How do I tell my mother I do not want to go through recruitment?

[DoctorD]

I will concur. Go through recruitment. It hurts nothing.

My mother insisted I go through [she's also a Delta Delta Delta], and I did to appease her.

While I didn't end up pledging her sorority, I found one that fit me, and have gone on to be very active in it, which amuses my mother to this day. Putting aside my teenage "I know better than my mother what is a fit for me" in this instance turned out to be one of the best things I ever did.

If you go through recruitment and don't feel it's for you, then you know. Otherwise, you never will.

It hurts nothing, and in the grand scheme of things is a small investment in your time.

Good luck.

[KSig RC]

TELL HER WIT YO MOUF

[SydneyK]

^^ That made me lol.

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by DoctorD

I will concur. Go through recruitment. It hurts nothing.

My mother insisted I go through [she's also a Delta Delta Delta], and I did to appease her.

I did not know this and I am so incredibly grateful that your mother insisted

My daughter grew up asking when she gets to be an Alpha Gam but now isn't sure whether she would consider being greek and is especially concerned that Alpha Gams have an unnatural squirrel obsession. Only one of the schools that she is considering has an Alpha Gam chapter. Although I would love it more than anything is she were to become my sister, I have to respect her to do what is right for her. She knows I will assist her financially if she chooses to go greek and she has discovered SAI, which appeals to her a lot (because she's into music). When we visited the University of Michigan on Saturday, I told her "You know I have to drive you by the house because it's such an incredible house." Her dad was amazed at the size and beauty of that house and asked her if she was going to join her mom's sorority. I said "She's not sure she's feeling it but she knows that I'll help her pay dues if she decides to join any sorority."

I'm glad she openly told me that she might not be interested in a sorority. I happen to know, because I know these things, that she would love the experience. She would find the leadership opportunities, the community service opportunities and the "family" feeling she has now in marching band. I know she's gong to miss those things, especially the last one. The marching band is so much like a sorority or fraternity because you work closely together to achieve a common goal, you don't like everybody in the band, but you end up loving them and rallying for them if something bad happens to them. You share a passion and that becomes bigger than individual relationships.

You need to tell your mom your concerns. But I'm also going to encourage you to go through recruitment. You don't have to accept a bid, but it's worth giving a try.

[CaliforniainTx]

Originally Posted by DoctorD

I will concur. Go through recruitment. It hurts nothing.

My mother insisted I go through [she's also a Delta Delta Delta], and I did to appease her.

While I didn't end up pledging her sorority, I found one that fit me, and have gone on to be very active in it, which amuses my mother to this day. Putting aside my teenage "I know better than my mother what is a fit for me" in this instance turned out to be one of the best things I ever did.

If you go through recruitment and don't feel it's for you, then you know. Otherwise, you never will.

It hurts nothing, and in the grand scheme of things is a small investment in your time.

Good luck.

I guess you're right. It doesn't hurt anyone to go through with it. I'm of course going to Preview Day, that's not an option lol but maybe I will wait until then to break the news. Maybe i'll leave that day wishing to be a DDD.

I would hate to disappoint my mother and I know how much it means to her for me to continue the tradition.

[TriDeltaSallie]

I agree with the women who said to talk to your mom now about your concerns but plan on going through.

The worst case scenario is you go through and decide it isn't for you. All you are out is a week of your time and some sleep. On the positive side, you show your mom that you care about the things that matter to her enough to give it a go.

You might find out you like it and find a home.

You are entering that time of life where you will start to make more of your own decisions. While I do believe it is important that you become your own person, I also think you can invest a lot in the family relationship bank by honoring what is important to your family members and going through recruitment. I suspect that even if you don't pledge somewhere, family relations will be better if you at least give it a try.

[DaffyKD]

I am an active KD alumna. I have been president of my alumnae chapter, chairwoman for quite a few committees and on the national leadership team. When she was little, my daughter would always tell her godmother who is my pledge sister and me that she was going to join KD when she went to college so that she would now the meaning of AOT. When she went to school, they did have a KD chapter along with others. She very bluntly let me know that she was not going to go through recruitment. She is a very independent young lady. Her only reaction from me was, "then you make sure you get involved in something at school. You are not going to just sit around in your dorm room."

Talk to you mother. You may be pleasantly be surprised by her response.

DaffyKD

[KDCat]

Are you afraid of failing to live up to your mom's and sister's expectations? Alabama is a really tough recuritment. I'd be scared to death that my mom and sister were expecting me to be a superstar and go DDD and I would do a terrible job at rush and get cut. It would freak me out to have that much pressure.

I also tended to define myself in opposition to my mom for most of my life, so if my mom had been gung ho on joining a sorority, and in particular gung ho on joing one sorority in particular, there would have been no way that I would have rushed or joined her sorority. It's not that I didn't love my mom, but I didn't want to be just like her or do what she said. Mom was awesome, but she was also sort of pushy and controlling and she always knew what was better for me than I did. Just ask her.

My reaction let my mom run my life almost as much as if I did everything my mom thought I should. I was reacting to her ideas and being oppositional, rather than making decisions for my self. Not all of my mom's ideas were bad, but I would NOT admit that for a long time.

So... set aside your mom and your sister. Pretend that no one in your family has ever been in a sorority. Knowing what you know about the experience does it look like something you'd like to do? If my answer was "Yes, that looks like fun,' then I'd go through rush and pledge elsewhere. I wouldn't be a TriDelt, unless I totally fell in love with the house. You sound like you need a little space between you and sister and your mom to develop your own talents and interests. You can do that in another sorority.

If it doesn't sound good, or if you want to spend more time on sports or something else, I wouldn't do it. Tell your mom and your sister that you love them, and you know that they love being in a sorority, but you want to devote your college time to other things. (And have an idea what those things are.) Your mom deserves a reason that doesn't sound critical of her choices or your sister's choices. Make it about you and use "I" statements -- "Mom, I have to tell you something. I know you love your sorority and I respect that, but I don't want to be in a sorority. I want to spend more time on studies/sports/theater/music/band/whatever. I know I'm disappointing you, but I really don't want to go through recruitment."

If the answer is "I don't know what I want to do" then I would go through recruitment. You can always drop, if you really think it isn't for you. I think this would be a good idea, anyway. You know one group of women who are your mom's age and your sister's friends. You probably should meet more groups before you decide that none of them are people you want to hang with. If you decide to list another sorority first, you don't have to tell your mom. She'll just assume that you didn't match with DDD.

[BraveMaroon]

Originally Posted by DaffyKD

Her only reaction from me was, "then you make sure you get involved in something at school. You are not going to just sit around in your dorm room."

DaffyKD

Oh, yes! A million times this! My parents wanted me to go through recruitment for exactly this reason.


With modern technology, it's easier than ever to be isolated - to the point where it's essentially socially acceptable.

The beauty of *any* organization is the ability to connect with people.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by DaffyKD

Talk to you mother. You may be pleasantly be surprised by her response.

DaffyKD

Yep. I will say what Dear Abby always says: Show your mother this thread and say "I wrote this." She may have NO idea that you feel even a smidgen of this way, and might be aghast that she put this on your shoulders when you are worrying about so many other things.

Also, to the people who are reaming this girl out: yeah, there are noobs who come on here and deserve it from what they say, but I honestly cannot fathom why anyone thinks this person is one. I don't think she was disrespectful or shallow in the least.

[violetpretty]

Originally Posted by KDCat

If you decide to list another sorority first, you don't have to tell your mom. She'll just assume that you didn't match with DDD.

Or mom might assume her sorority cut her precious snowflake, curse out the chapter President/VP Recruitment/everyone on Panhellenic and threaten to quit/stop donating/stop advising/etc. Because it couldn't be that daughter didn't want to join mom's sorority. Not implying that the OP's mom believes her daughter to be a "snowflake" or that she would be that crazy, just that we've seen this situation before on GC. Most sorority alumnae do not know how bid matching works.

OP, I'd like to echo the responses you've received. Bama is very much a "one shot at a bid" type of school. It would be SO much better to go through recruitment and KNOW it's not for you, than to skip it, and wonder "what if?" one day, or worse, realize you really would want to be a part of Greek Life. If you were going to school anywhere outside the SEC or other large southern schools (including Ole Miss and TCU should you decide to go there), I'd say you could probably wait until sophomore year to decide whether or not to go through recruitment, after you've met sorority women.

I know so many sorority women who thought "I'm not the sorority type" before joining. I was one of them. I wouldn't describe my 18 year old self as a tomboy, but I was in drama, and a total science geek, and very much a "drifter" in high school, having friends from various social circles, but I was not "popular" by any means. I found 4 chapters at my campus where I would have been a good fit, and joined one of them.

Had I attended a school like Alabama, I would not have been Greek because I was not sold on joining a sorority during my senior year of high school. My school has formal recruitment in the spring semester and it is common for sophomores to join. It was not until I actually met sorority women in my classes that I realized that all types of women join sororities. I had the luxury of having time to decide. You won't.

All sorority women are different. The only thing we all have in common is a drive to be the best version of ourselves. If you want to strive to that ideal, you should consider joining one.

Side note: is your mom bent on you joining DDD or would she be happy if you were to go Greek elsewhere? I am thinking the former, but it could be a good way to introduce the topic to her, a la "Mom, what if I don't feel like I fit in to DDD or what if they cut me?" See what she says.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by AGDee

She knows I will assist her financially if she chooses to go greek and she has discovered SAI, which appeals to her a lot (because she's into music). When we visited the University of Michigan on Saturday . . . .

You know Michigan is SAI's Alpha chapter, right?

Originally Posted by BraveMaroon

Oh, yes! A million times this! My parents wanted me to go through recruitment for exactly this reason.


With modern technology, it's easier than ever to be isolated - to the point where it's essentially socially acceptable.

The beauty of *any* organization is the ability to connect with people.

The way my parents always put it was that everyone in college needed to be part of a group where they notice and care when you don't show up.

[NutBrnHair]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Also, to the people who are reaming this girl out: yeah, there are noobs who come on here and deserve it from what they say, but I honestly cannot fathom why anyone thinks this person is one. I don't think she was disrespectful or shallow in the least.

I totally agree! Thanks for saying it.

[KDCat]

Originally Posted by violetpretty

Or mom might assume her sorority cut her precious snowflake, curse out the chapter President/VP Recruitment/everyone on Panhellenic and threaten to quit/stop donating/stop advising/etc. Because it couldn't be that daughter didn't want to join mom's sorority. Not implying that the OP's mom believes her daughter to be a "snowflake" or that she would be that crazy, just that we've seen this situation before on GC. Most sorority alumnae do not know how bid matching works.

*shudder*

Okay, maybe just tell your mom that you absolutely, totally fell in love with another group, if you chose not to list DDD first.

[AZTheta]

To the OP: take your mother out for coffee, very soon. And speak to her from your heart. You're going a little "crazy" with speculation, as well as feeling some real pressure (from what you've shared with us). The sooner you speak your truth, the lighter your burden will be. You don't really know what your mother is thinking; maybe she's worried because recruitment is "so competitive" and she doesn't want you to be hurt. I don't know, I can't say, and I myself am horrible at speculating so I avoid it as much as I can.

Other wise GCers have posted amazing advice on your thread and I recommend that you take the best, and leave the rest.

My suggestion: I'm in the "go through recruitment" camp. From what you've written, you'd fit right in to any of the 11 (soon to be 12) chapters at my campus (yes I know it isn't Alabama, it's Arizona, blah blah blah, don't jump me, that's not my point). I am willing to wager a Starbucks card that there is a home for you at your chosen university. No matter the letters, there is a shared sense of purpose and support, and lifetime connections that you will cherish far longer than the four short years you are in college.

Please. Open YOUR heart and mind, and go through recruitment with a big smile and no expectations. That's what I did, and I ended up making a life-changing choice. To this day, I'm grateful that the women of Kappa Alpha Theta saw something in me that I didn't see in myself, and they took a huge chance on me. I made the leap as well. But that's a story for another day!