Speak up or bite my tongue?

[adpiucf]

I agree with you, UGA, that people probably wouldn't be comfortable, but that is what makes me crazy-- Being direct is so much more effective to nip things in the bud. They might not be very nice about it, and they might talk smack about me after I left the table, but I'd bet money that they would think twice about what they say after that. And they'd probably tell other people about their experience-- which would make those people think twice about what they say, as well.

If I said something to my friends and someone overheard it and called me out on it then and there, I'd probably be so embarrassed that I'd watch my P's and Q's 24/7-- much more so than if my president had a private chat with me 2 weeks later or the chapter had to go through a workshop on "Public Relations" (I'd have likely forgotten I ever had such a conversation by that time).

Women are encouraged to be such passive creatures. We're encouraged to never directly confront situations. I hate that -- it severely limits us in our relationships with others, at work, you name it. Men have a serious leg up on us in that respect. Someone ticks them off-- they tell them.

If you have a problem with someone, even a stranger, and there's very little chance that person will retaliate against you, just you owe it yourself to tell them you were offended by their behavior.

Why? They'll be shocked into reality-- and you will probably do much more good by being direct-- both to empower yourself and to correct the other person while she is in the act.

[UGAalum94]

I agree with you about being direct in most areas of like, and for me, it's not even all a question of being entitled to have your concerns addressed, which I agree with; it's about looking kind of foolish when you have to get other people to address your concerns.

(I have some work colleagues who when they run into routine difficulties go to a supervisory employee rather than approach a professional colleague directly, even about issues that objectively defined solutions, like how to get the textbooks that you have signed out. Did they have a lot of success getting their problems solved by tattling when they were kids and never learn to work things out for themselves?)

And it does tend to be women more than men who feel like it's both nicer and more appropriate to handle things this way. It's usually not; you could handle things much better on your own usually, and I agree that it shouldn't be a reflection on your femininity that you chose to, if you approach people politely.

The danger though with a public confrontation with a group of strangers though is that you are likely to lose control of the situation pretty quickly if it turns out that they aren't embarrassed and don't want to mend their ways.

So there's some risk that the situation could escalate, and you'd be part of how this group made Greek Life look bad rather than the person who helped them stop it. You just never know in advance exactly what you are going to get, and if it's an image based problem, how the situation appears to outsiders should be part of the solution, it seems to me.

[NutBrnHair]

Oh I would have gone back to the table and siad the "You don't know me from Adam, but..."

I would definitely tell your friend, the alumna...or I'd call the Panhellenic Advisor.

[SydneyK]

Like I said, I was with people who were seemingly unaware of the conversation. I didn't want to draw attention to it, so I didn't say anything at the time (although this is what I would've done if I had been alone). When I did get the opportunity to go back alone, the ladies were already gone.

I haven't done anything about it yet, and maybe I never will. But I'll certainly keep you all posted.

[andrea981]

I think going to the panhellenic advisor is probably a better call than the alum, if you feel strongly that you do not want to let this go. Honestly, this situation might just be a few bad (and inappropriately vocal) apples in the sorority and if you go to the alum, headquarters may likely get notified and involved. While you might think this is warranted, I think that the chapter and panhellenic leadership themselves should be given a chance to handle the problem-girls before creating a bigger fuss than may be necessary.

[BabyPiNK_FL]

As a Panhellenic Secretary, I would honestly say that our advisor would have loved to hear about something like this and discussed the issue with the chapter heads immediately. Don't be afraid to call the advisor up! Introduce yourself, alert them of the problem. I would hope that like our advisor, their advisor would understand right away what the problem was and why you were being so helpful and assure you that he/she would take actions.

[SydneyK]

I thought I'd update everyone on my course of action.

I called the Office of Greek Life at the university in question. I asked to speak to someone regarding a brief encounter I had with a group of sorority girls. I was connected to the Greek Affairs Director.

I explained to the director that I had been on campus as a guest, and that I wasn't personally connected to any alumnae of the group involved, but thought they should be made aware of the girls' behavior, etc. I hadn't even mentioned any sororities yet and she said...

"Let me guess, you heard ABC bashing all the other groups?" I thought, "Wow, someone else must've said something." I replied, "Well, yes, but it was so public, and they were in the middle of rush, blah blah blah." This woman then said, "Yeah, nobody really likes them very much. We're surprised their nationals haven't yanked their charter. They never even get half of quota, while the other groups get quota plus. I can tell their chapter advisor if you want me to, but I can tell you right now she won't do anything but laugh. Don't worry about it - they're bound to be gone soon anyway."

My jaw hit the desk. I honestly couldn't believe this was the response I got. We wrapped up the conversation, and I expect this will be the last anyone there ever hears of the situation. Perhaps that's best... but I'm still a little shocked at the response!

[UGAalum94]

I am too.

It seems terrible that the group's present behavior is about to drive the chapter into the ground when it's possible that alums have no idea what's up today.

Did the Greek Life person mean that the chapter adviser would laugh as in "laugh it off, no big deal, isn't it funny what upsets other people" Or laugh as in, "I can't believe I'm involved in the absurdity of advising such a world class group of losers; at least they won't be active XYZs for long and I can move on to a productive role in XYZ; if I don't laugh, I'll cry" kind of thing.

It's weird, and had I known it was going to get that response, I'd want alumnae to know. The chapter at this college is ruining the good name of the group within the community, and no one locally seems to care?

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by SydneyK

I thought I'd update everyone on my course of action.

I called the Office of Greek Life at the university in question. I asked to speak to someone regarding a brief encounter I had with a group of sorority girls. I was connected to the Greek Affairs Director.

I explained to the director that I had been on campus as a guest, and that I wasn't personally connected to any alumnae of the group involved, but thought they should be made aware of the girls' behavior, etc. I hadn't even mentioned any sororities yet and she said...

"Let me guess, you heard ABC bashing all the other groups?" I thought, "Wow, someone else must've said something." I replied, "Well, yes, but it was so public, and they were in the middle of rush, blah blah blah." This woman then said, "Yeah, nobody really likes them very much. We're surprised their nationals haven't yanked their charter. They never even get half of quota, while the other groups get quota plus. I can tell their chapter advisor if you want me to, but I can tell you right now she won't do anything but laugh. Don't worry about it - they're bound to be gone soon anyway."

My jaw hit the desk. I honestly couldn't believe this was the response I got. We wrapped up the conversation, and I expect this will be the last anyone there ever hears of the situation. Perhaps that's best... but I'm still a little shocked at the response!

Sounds like the Greek Life Advisor was worn out by this group. People don't usually sound like defeatists unless they have a reason to. It's a shame that the nationals don't go in and do something about the group. It also sounds like these girls are sore losers who can't figure out that their actions rather than the actions of the successful chapters on campus are to blame for their poor performance during recruitement.

[SydneyK]

Originally Posted by UGAalum94

Did the Greek Life person mean that the chapter adviser would laugh as in "laugh it off, no big deal, isn't it funny what upsets other people" Or laugh as in, "I can't believe I'm involved in the absurdity of advising such a world class group of losers; at least they won't be active XYZs for long and I can move on to a productive role in XYZ; if I don't laugh, I'll cry" kind of thing.

I don't know. I think AOII Angel is right about the GL Director simply being fed up with the group. Maybe she was just projecting her frustration onto ABC's adviser, and just assumed what her response would be. I truly got the feeling that ABC has been a thorn in Panhellenic's side there for a while now. Shame, really, but there's not much anyone (but ABC) can do about it.

[AnchorAlumna]

Wow. Sounds like that group's days are numbered. It's a shame.
I agree, if I were an alum of that group, I'd want to know. What about going to the group's Web site and contacting someone in their upper echelons? Or at least writing an anonymous letter?