Question for Guys

[sugar and spice]

Originally posted by RUgreek
I'm not going to discuss what I've done to women, but I understand this situation well. Guys keep a girl around quite simply because of control and laziness. She falls for it every time and there is no penalty to me. Why not keep someone around you can mess with and walk away from? I even knew girls that did this a lot.

I'm just curious -- if you (editorial you, not a specific you) know that what you're doing is wrong, why keep doing that? I can't really fathom a person having so little self-esteem or being so weak that they need to screw with a person's head on purpose just to give them a sense of control. I understand situations like this sometimes happen where you don't realize what you're doing until later, and that's understandable -- who hasn't done something along those lines? But messing with somebody on purpose just blows my mind and speaks to major, major underlying issues on the part of the person who's doing the controlling.

[James]

I think that as a society we throw the term "low self-esteem" around an awful lot. And I think we all have different ideas of what it means. In fact, low self esteem asa term might be more of a negative label meant to cover several types of behaviors deemed less desirable.

In this case, I am not sure I would call it low self esteem that would motivate a boy into calling a girl he knows is going to pay attention to him and give him what he wants.

He's not messing with a gir'ls mind to mess with it. He is taking an action he thinks will get him what he wants. She thinks he is messing with her, bcause what she wants or wishes is different than the reality.

A cognitive dissonance.

And he probably doesn't think he is wrong until it starts causing him pain or discomfort. Why should he? As long as he is getting something he thinks he need out of it.

Originally posted by sugar and spice
I'm just curious -- if you (editorial you, not a specific you) know that what you're doing is wrong, why keep doing that? I can't really fathom a person having so little self-esteem or being so weak that they need to screw with a person's head on purpose just to give them a sense of control. I understand situations like this sometimes happen where you don't realize what you're doing until later, and that's understandable -- who hasn't done something along those lines? But messing with somebody on purpose just blows my mind and speaks to major, major underlying issues on the part of the person who's doing the controlling.

[RUgreek]

Originally posted by sugar and spice
I'm just curious -- if you (editorial you, not a specific you) know that what you're doing is wrong, why keep doing that? I can't really fathom a person having so little self-esteem or being so weak that they need to screw with a person's head on purpose just to give them a sense of control. I understand situations like this sometimes happen where you don't realize what you're doing until later, and that's understandable -- who hasn't done something along those lines? But messing with somebody on purpose just blows my mind and speaks to major, major underlying issues on the part of the person who's doing the controlling.

Don't worry, I won't get offended if you think it's me that does this...

However, if I know what i'm doing is wrong but continue to do it, I guess I would call it a power fetish of some sort. It's not that I have low self-esteem and want to treat women badly, but I guess this would be more like I am satisfying a desire of mine. Looking at it from the women's perspective isn't part of this game. Honestly, because the women let's me do it, I guess I see justification to keep doing it. If she wanted me to stop, she wouldn't keep falling for my tricks.

The idea behind treating another person this way is a long process. It starts small, just like a relationship I guess, and once you reach that comfort zone with the person, you feel like you can get away with it. How can it be wrong if she's constantly a willing participant? Yea, she talks later about relationship and being together, but talk is talk.

[AGDee]

The guy who wrote the book was on Oprah and responded to a very similar question this way:

It's like having a great shirt in your closet that you really like, but you don't wear very often. You look in your closet and think "That's a good shirt", but you choose to wear something else. You don't throw the shirt away because you like to wear it once in a while and you really do like the shirt. You just don't want to wear the shirt all the time.

Dee

[RUgreek]

Originally posted by AGDee
The guy who wrote the book was on Oprah and responded to a very similar question this way:

It's like having a great shirt in your closet that you really like, but you don't wear very often. You look in your closet and think "That's a good shirt", but you choose to wear something else. You don't throw the shirt away because you like to wear it once in a while and you really do like the shirt. You just don't want to wear the shirt all the time.

Dee

What happens if you're like me and like to wear multiple t-shirts at once? It's not that I'm indecisive about one t-shirt, but really just like being warmer


RUgreek

[Dionysus]

Originally posted by AGDee
The guy who wrote the book was on Oprah and responded to a very similar question this way:

It's like having a great shirt in your closet that you really like, but you don't wear very often. You look in your closet and think "That's a good shirt", but you choose to wear something else. You don't throw the shirt away because you like to wear it once in a while and you really do like the shirt. You just don't want to wear the shirt all the time.

Dee

That's an interesting way to put it. That pretty much sums up how I relate to people in general - as of now.

[AGDee]

Originally posted by RUgreek
What happens if you're like me and like to wear multiple t-shirts at once? It's not that I'm indecisive about one t-shirt, but really just like being warmer


RUgreek

He would say that when you find the right shirt for you, you won't need more than one. "You're not that into her(them)".

[winneythepooh7]

It's really really REALLY hard to just cut all ties with someone we feel comfortable with, attracted to and have history with. But you can do it. I know that sounds easier said then done, but trust me, I've been there. And it does feel really good to look back months later and think "What the HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL was I thinking with him?!" I still get random calls from my ex-who-I-thought-was-the-one and spent like close to four months crying over at times. Now I have absolutely nothing to talk about with him anymore and feel like I am finally in control of the situation, and not him anymore. Good luck!!!! I know it sucks but you can do it!!!!

[HotDamnImAPhiMu]

Originally posted by KillarneyRose
Don't fret about it. You and I wouldn't say something like that to a sister in a public forum, but everyone's different.

Yup. That's me, all about honesty. I AM SUCH AN AWFUL SISTER!

[RUgreek]

Originally posted by AGDee
He would say that when you find the right shirt for you, you won't need more than one. "You're not that into her(them)".

With so many new and exotic looking t-shirts hitting the market every year, that becomes a tough decision.

Ok, well for every guy or girl that has written the book on love and relationships there is still a large part of the population that goes its own route. Some guys are worried they'll never find the right woman, so keeping a few around that display qualities we like (this one talks dirty in bed, that one fun to go out to the bars with) lets us enjoy our time without making any sacrifices. And if one or two has their feelings hurt in the process, well then there is always someone else around to fill that spot. No book can really explain why every guy does this, but the truth is the problem starts with the girl who fell for him.


RUgreek

[PM_Mama00]

Originally posted by winneythepooh7
It's really really REALLY hard to just cut all ties with someone we feel comfortable with, attracted to and have history with. But you can do it. I know that sounds easier said then done, but trust me, I've been there. And it does feel really good to look back months later and think "What the HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL was I thinking with him?!" I still get random calls from my ex-who-I-thought-was-the-one and spent like close to four months crying over at times. Now I have absolutely nothing to talk about with him anymore and feel like I am finally in control of the situation, and not him anymore. Good luck!!!! I know it sucks but you can do it!!!!

That's me. It's been 10 years with him, or 11, I duno it's been so long. I can't wait to get to the point where I can ask "What the hell was I thinking?" I mean I have now, but not truly. There's still something there for him. Argh frustrating.

Dee--- I haven't read that much into the book yet but I wish I woulda read that part. Sounds like I'm sooo the shirt.

[AGDee]

I don't know if he uses that analogy in the book because I haven't read the book. He used it on the Oprah show though. I recommended the book to a friend after I saw that show and she was totally enlightened afterward.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

Originally posted by PM_Mama00
That's me. It's been 10 years with him, or 11, I duno it's been so long. I can't wait to get to the point where I can ask "What the hell was I thinking?" I mean I have now, but not truly. There's still something there for him. Argh frustrating.

Dee--- I haven't read that much into the book yet but I wish I woulda read that part. Sounds like I'm sooo the shirt.

I guess I am lucky. I have seen women do what you are doing so I learned from their experiences. When a guy treated me like crap, I picked myself up and walked out on him and whatever undefined 'relationship' we had. I had seen women do the on-again off-again thing, and I knew that I could not do it because it would hurt me far too much.

That doesn't mean that my mind didn't wonder why things hadn't worked out, but I knew that staying would devastate me. It wasn't easy, but I knew for my own happiness and emotional health, I had to end it completely and permanently.

Good luck.

[madmax]

Originally posted by PM_Mama00
Ok I've been reading "He's Just Not That Into You" and doing pretty well with it... but my ex continues to confuse me. (those on my lj friends list know the whole story)

James I know what you're going to say about the whole just cut off all contact. But I just am curious of why a guy would keep doing this.

Background: I've liked Sam* since junior high, and we were friends on and off until May of 2000, when we finally got together. It didn't last long. He started a relationship with another woman (I say woman cuz she's 11 years older than him) that lasted about 2 years. During this time, he would still call me, come over, hang out, hook up, do whatever. Then we went for a period of not talking, except at least once a month to hook up or . My feelings for him never changed since junior high. Sometimes we hung out on Valentine's Day or Sweetest Day, and we always hung out for my birthday. Keep in mind that while he and I weren't talking, I became close to his sister because we had class together and I still talk to her.

Fast forward to July 2004. We hang out, and things get started between us again. We're hanging out every night. We basically have everything the same as a relationship, except for the famous line... "I duno if I want a relationship. Sometimes I wana be with you, but sometimes I don't wana be with anyone". I fall for it. (stupid girl) He finally tells me (while I'm driving 85 on the freeway... stupid boy) that he doesn't wana be with anyone right now, but he still wants to talk to me and be friends. (riiiiiight) Then he just stops talking to me. Then a few months later he calls me outa the blue and asks me to go away with him for his birthday. I'm dumb, I thought that I could be just friends with him and agree to go. We never ended up going cuz we're poor, but we continue on talking. I tell him over and over again that he constantly hurts me (I admit it's my fault, I let him) and why does he come around if he doesn't want a relationship with me. He pulls the same shit again, and stops talking to me.

Ok so present time. I sent him an email, basically telling him he sucks, I deserve better, and to never call me again unless he wants to be with me. What does he do after he reads it? Calls me to see what I'm up to, but has no response to the email.


Ok that's the whole background. Damn that's long. And I told myself that I'd never post something like this on GC, but I'm so curious. Here's my question...

Boys. If you had this girl who liked you, and you knew that you kept hurting her, would you keep her around if you weren't getting anything out of it? (monetarily, sexually, anything at all) If so, why?

Lol I admit that I'm a dumb girl in this situation, so any criticizing won't really affect me too much.

I didn't read a word past the first sentence but I think I can answer the question anyway. The guy probably isn't interested but when he calls and tells you how much he cares about you it means he is horny and wants to get laid.

[PM_Mama00]

Prolly not since we never hook up. Well anymore at least.

But I am proud to say that altho I'm not over him (baby steps), we now have more of a friendship than what was before. Maybe that's all we weren't to be. Oh well.