Question for Guys
 

Ok I've been reading "He's Just Not That Into You" and doing pretty well with it... but my ex continues to confuse me. (those on my lj friends list know the whole story)

James I know what you're going to say about the whole just cut off all contact. But I just am curious of why a guy would keep doing this.

Background: I've liked Sam* since junior high, and we were friends on and off until May of 2000, when we finally got together. It didn't last long. He started a relationship with another woman (I say woman cuz she's 11 years older than him) that lasted about 2 years. During this time, he would still call me, come over, hang out, hook up, do whatever. Then we went for a period of not talking, except at least once a month to hook up or bullshit. My feelings for him never changed since junior high. Sometimes we hung out on Valentine's Day or Sweetest Day, and we always hung out for my birthday. Keep in mind that while he and I weren't talking, I became close to his sister because we had class together and I still talk to her.

Fast forward to July 2004. We hang out, and things get started between us again. We're hanging out every night. We basically have everything the same as a relationship, except for the famous line... "I duno if I want a relationship. Sometimes I wana be with you, but sometimes I don't wana be with anyone". I fall for it. (stupid girl) He finally tells me (while I'm driving 85 on the freeway... stupid boy) that he doesn't wana be with anyone right now, but he still wants to talk to me and be friends. (riiiiiight) Then he just stops talking to me. Then a few months later he calls me outa the blue and asks me to go away with him for his birthday. I'm dumb, I thought that I could be just friends with him and agree to go. We never ended up going cuz we're poor, but we continue on talking. I tell him over and over again that he constantly hurts me (I admit it's my fault, I let him) and why does he come around if he doesn't want a relationship with me. He pulls the same shit again, and stops talking to me.

Ok so present time. I sent him an email, basically telling him he sucks, I deserve better, and to never call me again unless he wants to be with me. What does he do after he reads it? Calls me to see what I'm up to, but has no response to the email.


Ok that's the whole background. Damn that's long. And I told myself that I'd never post something like this on GC, but I'm so curious. Here's my question...

Boys. If you had this girl who liked you, and you knew that you kept hurting her, would you keep her around if you weren't getting anything out of it? (monetarily, sexually, anything at all) If so, why?

Lol I admit that I'm a dumb girl in this situation, so any criticizing won't really affect me too much. ;)

What's he getting out of it? He gets to feel wanted. He likes the attention.

You could ask yourself the same question -- why do you keep hanging around this guy if you're not getting anything out of it (love, sex, money, etc.)? The answer's the same -- he makes you feel wanted. You like the attention.

I know you wanted a guys' opinion, so sorry in advance! But I have to say that I agree with sugar and spice...you're allowing yourself to remain in the situation for the same reason he is, except you've given him all the control. You need to make the choice to not allow yourself to be treated like this. This may sound harsh and it's not meant to be, but telling him that he shouldn't call you unless he wants to be with you is bs...he already told you he didn't want to be with you by treating you like this. You obviously want someone who will give you more than he is giving you so why are you settling for this? Don't waste your time on a guy who's only willing to give you a half-assed, barely there relationship if what you want is something more. I know it's a hard situation and it's easier for all of us to say what you should do but just know that a lot of people have been in the same or similar situations and gotten out of them just fine! Just my 2 cents...good luck!

We do it because we know we can...

True, true.

If you know that's the answer, and you know you're being dumb, WHY ARE YOU STILL DOING THIS?

Don't act like you've never done anything that you know is stupid, yet you still chose to do it. Everyone has. Sometimes people just need to vent about it.

Actually, if I wanted to be a bitch about it, I could've been a lot nastier. But you beat me to it.


PM_Mama00, you teach people how to treat you. He can't continue to treat you in a way you don't want if you don't let him. That's the same for boyfriends, girl friends, and everyone in between. My point is, if you realize this isn't what you want, change it. All the griping and venting in the world isn't going to change that.

I was in no way trying to be a bitch to PM_Mama. Sorry if you took it that way. My sarcasm was actually directed at your post.

Re: Question for Guys
 

I'm not going to discuss what I've done to women, but I understand this situation well. Guys keep a girl around quite simply because of control and laziness. She falls for it every time and there is no penalty to me. Why not keep someone around you can mess with and walk away from? I even knew girls that did this a lot.

Why, it's going to vary from person to person. What I can say is that she wants me to keep doing it, otherwise she wouldn't invite me back every time. Preying on the weakness is not a bad thing, it's the law of nature. Plus it entertains a guy to be able to do this (control again) and get away with not having to commit to a relationship or anything.

Not going to criticize you since you won't take your own advice, but grow up and try to survive alone for a while. Most people who fall into this category are dependent on others for happiness. Better start fixing that if you don't want to spend the rest of your life alone.

Dearest PM_Mama00,

You cannot begin to entertain a new relationship with anybody worthy of your love until you let go of this one...

Even if you have imaginary wedding fantasies with this boy, there is no way he will ever be able to fulfill them and neither does he want to...

And to me, he is not a man because a man would not have the need to do this to a woman. So to me, he is just a boy getting his kicks off... And you are his toy he uses to masterbate on...

But, there is no way you can re-create this person to be the man you have always dreamed of... And like RUGreek said, this is about "control"... And IMHO, you are trying to do that too... You know you cannot control him. But he can control you and bend you to do his bidding... Push your buttons, so to speak...

And like others have stated, you are getting the "control-something" you want out of the relationship by the "attention-something" you are trying to get... That is why you are having "leaving problems"...

You will never be capable of leaving this boy until you relenquish and surrender your "perceived control"... And doing that is just the first baby step...

Don't fret about it. You and I wouldn't say something like that to a sister in a public forum, but everyone's different.