Asking daddy's permission before proposing - Page 2

Psi U MC Vito · #1 10-22-2009, 06:30 PM

Did a mod split this off from the other thread?

Anyway, in the future if I decide to get married I probably would ask for the parents blessing, though of course it will be her choice. I is a respect thing, and I don't want my new family hating me off the bat.

WCsweet<3 · #2 10-22-2009, 06:43 PM

For me, I feel like it would be more of a heads up, like hey, I'm going to ask WC to marry me. I've expressed to my current bf and will express to anyone else who comes along that I want my parents to be with me when I am proposed. My family is really close so it would be really awesome if they were there, however I know this is not the case for a lot of families.

aephi alum · #3 10-22-2009, 11:40 PM

My husband asked my father for my hand, but not before we were already engaged. It's easier to get forgiveness than permission, after all.

My father was opposed to my dating non-Catholics, and he certainly didn't want a non-Catholic son-in-law and potentially non-Catholic grandchildren - so if the deed weren't already done, I can pretty well guarantee he would have said no. (And we'd have gotten married anyway.

)

To me, the whole "asking her father for permission" thing is antiquated. Women are not the property of their fathers or their husbands.

Same applies for the father walking the bride down the aisle and giving her away. When I first heard of that tradition, I was appalled. I immediately decided that if the officiant at my wedding were to ask my father, "Who gives this woman to be married to this man?" I would snap, "I can damn well give myself. Who's giving HIM away?" while pointing at the groom. (To be fair, I was about six years old at the time.)

Fortunately, in Jewish weddings, the groom's parents walk him down the aisle, the bride's parents walk her down the aisle, and there is no "giving away", so it was a non-issue. (Plus, my mother walked me down the aisle. My father refused to do any of the "father of the bride" stuff. He was too busy steaming over his "heathen" daughter and about-to-be-son-in-law.)

I respect those who choose to incorporate traditions like asking the bride's father for her hand in marriage - hey, it's tradition and it's their choice. I chose otherwise.

</soapbox>

Preston327 · #4 10-23-2009, 12:02 AM

I've always said that when I go to propose I'd meet with the parents before hand and basically "I love your daughter and plan to propose to her, and I'd like your blessing on our marriage" etc etc. It's just a respect thing IMO and I'm traditional like that anyhow. I've always been of the school of thought that says you should make a good impression on the parents so that they see you'll treat their daughter right. So far, I've been successful in that (the last girl I was courting seriously once invited me to her house to meet her mother, who told her I was a good man and she should date me. Alas, it didn't work out

).

AGDee · #5 10-22-2009, 08:03 PM

In my day, it was about asking permission. Even so, my relationship with my father at that point in my life was awful. As I said, he "owned" me until I went away to college. He was very controlling of everything and I had intense dislike for him at the time that my first husband proposed to me. I don't think my dad even met my second husband until after we had discussed marriage and looked at rings. I think that life stage, the closeness of the relationships and the personal beliefs of the individuals involved are all important factors in deciding whether or not this would be the right thing to do.

For me, personally, I think I would be upset if anybody else knew that he was proposing before I knew. It's such a deeply personal and important decision. What if a man talked to your father and proposed in front of your family and you didn't want to marry him? That seems like it would be incredibly awkward. And, I really enjoyed being the person to tell my mom. It would have been weird to call her and say "I'm engaged!" and have her say "I know". I dunno, it just doesn't fit with who I am.

thetygerlily · #6 10-22-2009, 08:14 PM

I think it makes sense for some people. For me, I didn't have a bad relationship with my dad but I also wasn't close to him when I got married. If my husband had talked to him first, I think it would've shown that he didn't know me.

I also didn't have my dad walk me down the aisle. He was crushed, but for me personally (no problem with others doing it) I don't like the feeling of being given away as property. I know that's not what it means anymore, and not what most people see in it. But personally I didn't want it. So I had both sets of parents walk down the aisle and get seated right before the wedding party, then I walked myself.

But... to each her own. And I also am from the northwest, which tends to not really follow tradition and such. In the south and east where the communities are more established, I think it would be a different story.

AlphaXi_Husky · #7 10-22-2009, 10:15 PM

whew - this thread is making me a bit teary...

I think it just boils down to each person and her relationship with her dad/mom/parents. Personally, I told my (now) husband that I didn't want him to ask my dad for permission (the thought of that rubs my liberal, feminist, bra-waving heiney the wrong way), but I did want him to ask for my dad's blessing. I think of it more as an acknowledgment that I'm not a piece of property and I can do as I see fit, but that my dad (and mom) were saying by giving their blessing that they recognized the commitment my fiance (husband) and I were making and agreed to give support and guidance (when asked).

APhiAnna · #8 10-23-2009, 12:19 AM

I absolutely want my future husband to ask for my father's blessing and have my father walk me down the aisle. I guess it is your right to be offended at the history of those traditions, but to me I choose to see it as a nice tradition that speaks to the bond I have with my father. I don't take the historical implications too seriously.

aephi alum · #9 10-23-2009, 03:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by APhiAnna

I absolutely want my future husband to ask for my father's blessing and have my father walk me down the aisle. I guess it is your right to be offended at the history of those traditions, but to me I choose to see it as a nice tradition that speaks to the bond I have with my father. I don't take the historical implications too seriously.

Like I said, it's your choice if you want to honor those traditions. And it's great that you have such a close bond with your father.

In case it wasn't obvious (

) my relationship with my father is... uhh, let's just say "not good".

I prefer a more egalitarian approach. If a couple is going to ask one parent (the father of the bride) for permission, ask them all. The bride has a mother, right? The groom has parents? Why shouldn't they get a say? And that's totally leaving aside the permutations of step-parents, etc.

DrPhil · #10 10-23-2009, 09:43 AM

I didn't read this thread so I missed where people are aggressive and fired up about what other people do with their lives.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aephi alum

And it's great that you have such a close bond with your father.

In case it wasn't obvious (

) my relationship with my father is... uhh, let's just say "not good".

I prefer a more egalitarian approach. If a couple is going to ask one parent (the father of the bride) for permission, ask them all. The bride has a mother, right? The groom has parents? Why shouldn't they get a say? And that's totally leaving aside the permutations of step-parents, etc.

As with all opinions, people with different backgrounds share opinions.

The line isn't being drawn between those who are close to their fathers and those who aren't.

I'm EXTREMELY close to my father (and mother). I talk to him like 3 times a day everyday. We crack each other up. Jokes galore.

BUT, I disagree with asking for a father's blessings (and parents' blessings, kinda) for marriage, and preferred an egalitarian approach if asking for blessings was deemed important.

AOII Angel · #11 10-23-2009, 02:10 AM

I think it's really funny how aggressive people have gotten on both sides of this issue. Everyone is different. My husband didn't ask my father for my hand in marriage. I would have laughed in his face had he, but it never would have occurred to him to ask in the first place although we are both extremely southern. We were both medical school graduates and old enough to make our own decisions. My father and I have a good relationship, but my parents don't get to make my decisions for me, nor do they know enough about my husband or my relationship with him to make asking for their permission worthwhile even after being married to him for 7 years. From my experience, parents (or at least mine) tend to think they know how you should handle your business if they know too much about your business!

AKA_Monet · #12 10-23-2009, 02:24 AM

Welp, my husband was reared to the opposite, it was important to him to ask my father for my hand and I obliged him to do so. But then again we eloped, too because we wanted to. Oh well.

KSigkid · #13 10-23-2009, 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

I think it's really funny how aggressive people have gotten on both sides of this issue. Everyone is different.

Agreed; it depends on the situation, how close the bride is to her parents, etc. I didn't realize people got so fired up about this, haha.

As I said in the other thread, I did talk to my father-in-law (and my mother-in-law) before I proposed. But, he and I are pretty close (he's like a second dad), so it was more to give him a head's up about what was going on. It was more of the "blessing" thing that MC had mentioned than asking for permission.

AGDee · #14 10-23-2009, 10:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

I think it's really funny how aggressive people have gotten on both sides of this issue.

While I agree that people feel strongly about their own personal situations regarding this issue, I've not seen anything I would call aggressive. See race threads and threads about homeless people for the aggressive comments!

Yes, MC, I think we are around the same age. Perhaps it was my culture (strong Italian heritage in a primarily Italian neighborhood) that makes me say that in my day it was about asking permission. Most girls I knew still went from their dad's house to their husband's house and it truly was asking permission. I have no idea whether my dad was hurt or upset that neither of my husband's asked his permission. I really don't care whether he was or not

It never even dawned on me to consider it as a possibility until I read that other thread.

DIVA1177 · #15 10-23-2009, 02:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AGDee

Maybe I'm too modern, but I would have been totally and completely offended had either of my husbands asked my father for permission. My father did not own me once I turned 18. I was my own person making my own decisions. My father should have NO SAY in who I choose to marry. The man controlled every aspect of my life as long as I lived in his home. As soon as I was out, no way, no how was he going to have any say in how I lived my life.

Eh...my husband did it and I was mildly upset about it until I realized that my husband asking my parents, well my Dad, had nothing to really do with me. It is more of a show of respect to his new in-laws. After I thought about it, I thought it was kinda sweet. At the end of the day, you are grown and you are going to marry whomever you choose.