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Personally, I doubt mom was trying to keep a secret. I just don't think she understood its significance, and his brothers and other friends probably didn't play a very large role in his family's life after his passing.
Mom probably didn't realize what a big deal it would be to the daughter, and since it never came up (these things don't tend to randomly come up, especially if the mom thought that a fraternity was like any old club people join in college), it probably didn't come up until she was initiated into her sorority.
I definitely think that the first thing she needs to do is find out about her dad's history with the fraternity, THEN contact HQ to find out if she can wear his lavalier.
And honestly, if it makes her feel connected to her father and there's no rule against it, I see no reason not to support her.
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MelindaWarren aka Bellatrix Lestrange
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"It is our choices that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities."-Albus Dumbledore
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