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SPECIAL THINGS MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER WILL RECEIVE ON OR IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING OUR WEDDING DAY:
1 - Access to my pogs, which have been meticulously kept and curated, and certainly will retain their value well into our 70s.
2 - Sweet, sweet cake directly into her maw then around the facial area, because that is ALWAYS funny, no matter how lame the couple.
3 - 50% of a rapidly-declining 401k.
4 - A lifetime spent staring down a super-annoying estate she'll have to break up and distribute among family she barely likes, because I will assuredly die before her.
5 - A 42% chance of divorce! (STATS ARE STATS)
6 - The admiration of most of her peers, the jealousy of quite a few, and the astonishment of the rest, because how on Earth can she put up with his shit?
7 - Cocktails. Many.
8 - A moderate sexual performance, because my ass will be exhausted, and GOTTA WAKE UP TO OPEN BLENDERS JEEEEEEZ.
9 - Biannual flowers, probably with a pithy card (typed, because handwriting is for children), delivered to her office - once at exorbitant made-up-holiday prices, and again at 70% off for a larger and more attractive bouquet on the more important date anyway.
10 - Condescension when I'm tired and she's acting like an asshole, then a rapid return to normal in the morning, likely with applicable makeup actions.
11 - Partial ownership of one (1) semi-dirty car. Comes with many miles, and an excellent set of golf clubs in the trunk.
12 - A new, warm body on her health insurance, because mine is ludicrously expensive even though I've basically never used it.
13 - 40 years of awesome, with approx. 2 years of trouble mixed in (this will be non-consecutive, but I'm assuming about 5% will be less-than-smooth sailing in some way).
CONGRATS! Good thing we didn't do these things beforehand, GOD marriage wouldn't be special.
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