Single ladies, how do you respond to "why aren't you married yet?"

[AlphaXi_Husky]

Originally Posted by AOII_LB93

I would have said, "Ever heard of the casting couch? This was like the admissions couch." or something of that ilk How rude.

If one more person asks me when we're having kids, I'm going to get violent.

ETA: Or my new response may become, "Why? Have you started a trust fund? How kind of you!"

ITA - it drives me batty. I will have kids when I damn well feel like it! And I think I might steal your answer - that ought to quiet some of my family!

[agzg]

We're not even married yet and live-in's mom is constantly asking when we're gonna have kids. Last time we told her that she was young enough that she should enjoy her adult children without grandkids running around for a while.

We've told her in about 100 different ways that we want to wait until we're married first, and we're nowhere near ready to get married. She's engaged now - I'm sure the "well we can plan both our weddings at the same time!" comments will come soon.

[DGTerp06]

I'm forever single. I don't get the "when are you going to get married" question as much as I get the "Do you have a boyfriend yet" question.

On my 23rd birthday, my grandmother called me and said, "You know, when I was your age, I was married and pregnant with my 3rd child!"

My dad married in his mid-30s, my mom was in her late 20s - maybe I just see that they both got to do their thing for a while before marrying. I'm not in a long-term relationship and I never have been. On those Debbie Downer days, I ask myself "what is wrong with me?" I am fully aware that there is nothing wrong with me, I just don't care to settle. I think it's fair to expect what you want. And that's what I'm doing.

[groovypq]

I've been dating my boyfriend for four months, and already I'm getting the "where's the ring?" Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??? Why would anyone want us to rush into anything? (especially with my track record, but that's not something everyone knows about)

[christiangirl]

I had a lull then started getting that question again. About 3 times in the last week and a half. I guess my birthday triggered something--my getting older renewed their curiosity.

[IlovemyAKA]

I get the "will you ever have kids?" question most often. I'm only 26 & my fam is trying to get me to skip steps.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by IlovemyAKA

I get the "will you ever have kids?" question most often. I'm only 26 & my fam is trying to get me to skip steps.

I know, right? I was talking to an older lady in my program and mentioned that I was graduating. She asked me how old I was and I told her. Her next question, "Any babies in your future?"

Ma'am, I have been dating a guy for all of 2 weeks, have an apt with no roommates, and still thoroughly enjoy sleeping in (and not having "baby weight"). I'm going to go with no.

I don't hate kids or anything. I have a nephew that I adore. They're just not for me at this point.

She mentioned that she had had all 3 of her kids by 22 (which was probably the norm where she is from), so perhaps that's why she was so surprised to learn that I don't have any.

There needs to be a "responding to 'when are you going to have kids?'" thread, lol.

[ComradesTrue]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

There needs to be a "responding to 'when are you going to have kids?'" thread, lol.

I say go for it and start one.

1. It would be a great place to trade witty comebacks
2. It would be a great place to find comardarie with others who are choosing to put off having children (including forever putting them off)

and most importantly:
3. It would be a great place for that oh-so-important PSA that this question is NEVER acceptable. EVER. There are too many people that have struggled with infertility, miscarriages, etc., and I have literally seen women brought to tears over the question.

[chickenoodle]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 3 years and we both constantly hear, "When are you moving in together?"

We both value our space and enjoy having our separate pursuits. I like coming home to my roommates and cats whereas he enjoys his peace and quiet. Why do we have to live together because we are dating? We have forever to look forward to, why rush things now?

I just roll my eyes whenever I get that question. It's not even their business. Grr..

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by Blondie93

I say go for it and start one.

1. It would be a great place to trade witty comebacks
2. It would be a great place to find comardarie with others who are choosing to put off having children (including forever putting them off)

and most importantly:
3. It would be a great place for that oh-so-important PSA that this question is NEVER acceptable. EVER. There are too many people that have struggled with infertility, miscarriages, etc., and I have literally seen women brought to tears over the question.

Ask and you shall receive. Well, you didn't really ask, lol.

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by DGTerp06

On my 23rd birthday, my grandmother called me and said, "You know, when I was your age, I was married and pregnant with my 3rd child!"

That is so inappropriate. Just because getting married and having children young was right for her doesn't mean it's right for you.

I had the opposite problem. I got married when I was 23, and more than one person (including my MIL, who herself got married at age 20 ) told me they thought I was getting married too young.

On those Debbie Downer days, I ask myself "what is wrong with me?" I am fully aware that there is nothing wrong with me, I just don't care to settle. I think it's fair to expect what you want. And that's what I'm doing.

Nothing is wrong with you. Trust me - don't settle for marrying just any old guy just so you can check off the "get married before age <whatever>" box. If you meet the right man, great. And if you don't - wouldn't you rather stay single than marry some loser just so you have a ring on your finger?

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

And if you don't - wouldn't you rather stay single than marry some loser just so you have a ring on your finger?

But aephi alum, how else are we supposed to win at life?

[VandalSquirrel]

One of my grandmothers was married and having kids in her late teens (yes she finished high school) the other didn't marry until about 30, and had her one child at 36. The age disparity is interesting as my great grandmother on one side is roughly the same age as the grandmother on my other. There's also a divide amongst my cousins as one either marries and has kids young, or waits to marry and have kids in their thirties (usually due to education and career).

I figure I can wait if my grandmother did it way back in the day, and anyone who thinks there is something wrong with my choice to do other things before a family and kids is showing their own insecurity and perhaps jealousy since my single life has afforded me a lot of amazing experiences.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

I figure I can wait if my grandmother did it way back in the day, and anyone who thinks there is something wrong with my choice to do other things before a family and kids is showing their own insecurity and perhaps jealousy since my single life has afforded me a lot of amazing experiences.

This is the way I feel. Although my maternal grandparents got married when they were 20, they didn't start having kids until about 10 years later which was INSANE for the 1940s! They got to go to amazing places all over the world and within the US because they spent their youth childless, and encouraged their children to do the same. All of the grandkids have graduated from college, and most have gone on to graduate school. I have never received any marriage or baby pressure from my mother's side of the family.

My father's side, however, is another story. Although my grandmothers are exactly the same age, my dad's mom started having kids in her early 20s and didn't stop until her mid 40s. Of my fathers' 13 siblings, I believe 3--including my father--went to college. Of the 60 or so grandchildren, 15 of us went to college and I believe 5 have advanced degrees. 50, however, have children. So, when I go visit them, they're like, "why don't you have kids?" What the EFF?!

Also, the idea of having a child right now scares the hell out of me. In my inner circle (friends/co-workers I see on a weekly basis), there's been one stillbirth, one nuchal cord that necessitated a week-long NICU stage, and one micropreemie. If you stretch it out to acquaintances and friends who aren't nearby, there are even more complications and a few miscarriages. I know this stuff happens all the time, but for it to all happen at once is making me very cautious.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

This is the way I feel. Although my maternal grandparents got married when they were 20, they didn't start having kids until about 10 years later which was INSANE for the 1940s! They got to go to amazing places all over the world and within the US because they spent their youth childless, and encouraged their children to do the same. All of the grandkids have graduated from college, and most have gone on to graduate school. I have never received any marriage or baby pressure from my mother's side of the family.

My father's side, however, is another story. Although my grandmothers are exactly the same age, my dad's mom started having kids in her early 20s and didn't stop until her mid 40s. Of my fathers' 13 siblings, I believe 3--including my father--went to college. Of the 60 or so grandchildren, 15 of us went to college and I believe 5 have advanced degrees. 50, however, have children. So, when I go visit them, they're like, "why don't you have kids?" What the EFF?!

Also, the idea of having a child right now scares the hell out of me. In my inner circle (friends/co-workers I see on a weekly basis), there's been one stillbirth, one nuchal cord that necessitated a week-long NICU stage, and one micropreemie. If you stretch it out to acquaintances and friends who aren't nearby, there are even more complications and a few miscarriages. I know this stuff happens all the time, but for it to all happen at once is making me very cautious.

The thing is though, I get from what you've shared about yourself, that if we were single women who had babies with special needs, our families have the resources to assist us (though we're capable on our own) and that we'd still have careers and achieve our goals. Sometimes when I am with my family I feel as if I'm the exception, and not the rule. I do joke though that my sister has been married three times, so between the two of us we're covered.

As much as I would like to be married and a mother, there are times that the thought frightens me.