Advice and status of my move in

christiangirl · #1 10-07-2008, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I agree with christiangirl 100%. If I'm reading what she said correctly.

Since you kept talking about him and the girl, I doubt you understood. You threw in a blurb about how things between you aren't the same anymore...that he's not dressing up for you, etc. That's the part that made me think this isn't really about the girl. Maybe it's pissing you off a bit, but that's not where the problem really lies, IMO. So figure out what's really bugging you (which you've partially identified) and take THAT to him as a real concern because, from the way you're talking, this girl is just a sidebar to a bigger issue.

teena · #2 10-07-2008, 11:33 PM

I dont think you are crazy but I do think you are insecure. The question is...do you have a right to be. I am a FIRM believer in intuition. That feeling that tells you to turn right instead of left, tells you that a particular coworker isnt to be trusted etc. I think your intuition is being tweaked. You have to determine if you actually have trust issues or if your are getting the very early warning signals of something being wrong in your relationship. I would suggest that you fall back on nagging and pressing the issue and simply observer behaviours. If you are correct you will have collected hard data to support your theory. If you are incorrect, then you know you need to seek help for trust issues.

Either way...chill.

Gretchen W · #3 10-10-2008, 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by christiangirl

Since you kept talking about him and the girl, I doubt you understood. You threw in a blurb about how things between you aren't the same anymore...that he's not dressing up for you, etc. That's the part that made me think this isn't really about the girl. Maybe it's pissing you off a bit, but that's not where the problem really lies, IMO. So figure out what's really bugging you (which you've partially identified) and take THAT to him as a real concern because, from the way you're talking, this girl is just a sidebar to a bigger issue.

Then I misunderstood you. I think it's about her.

Gretchen W · #4 10-10-2008, 10:39 AM

MysticCat I agree with your posts, especially seeing that you've been married for 20 years, but I do respect his feelings. I don't see the balance between the two of us, there actually hasn't been any. I do think it is about her, because we've been together for a long time and he's never ignored my thoughts on anything, until now.

Pretty boy I agree with you and I am having 2nd thoughts about marriage with him. What you posted makes a lot of sense, but when you posted that you're only responding to my post, you made it sound as if I'm only telling my side of the story. I am telling you guys exactly how things are now, and how they once were. Ever since she arrived, it started. Let me add that before they all formed a study group, he would bring her name up in conversation sometimes. At the time it didn't bother me. But I agree with you, MysticCat and texasprincess, and I'm not insecure at all.

MysticCat · #5 10-10-2008, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

I think what I'm going to do, is do it back to him. I start my classes in the winter. I'll get a study partner too and see how he likes it.

I really hope this is a joke. Because if this is your idea of how to deal with the situation, you and he have a lot of trouble ahead of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

Then I misunderstood you. I think it's about her.

No, it's about you and him. She's just a symptom. Even if the way he acts with her makes you feel like he doesn't care about you any more, that's a problem between you and him. If it hadn't been this study partner, it would have been someone or something else.

You need to ask yourself these questions (among others) and answer them honestly.

Do you trust him?

If not, why not?

If so, does he know you trust him?

Then, you and he need to have honest conversations about all of this. And I would strongly suggest pre-marital counseling. (I don't think any couple should get married without it.)

ETA:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

MysticCat I agree with your posts, especially seeing that you've been married for 20 years, but I do respect his feelings. I don't see the balance between the two of us, there actually hasn't been any. I do think it is about her, because we've been together for a long time and he's never ignored my thoughts on anything, until now.

See, this what makes me think it's about you and him. Like I said, if it weren't her, it would be someone or something else.

Could it be that, now that y'all are living together, he's having second thoughts, too? Maybe this is how he's dealing with those second thoughts and communicating them to you.

I really hope you and he can find a way to talk about all of this.

Gretchen W · #6 10-10-2008, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MysticCat

I really hope this is a joke. Because if this is your idea of how to deal with the situation, you and he have a lot of trouble ahead of you.
No, it's about you and him. She's just a symptom. Even if the way he acts with her makes you feel like he doesn't care about you any more, that's a problem between you and him. If it hadn't been this study partner, it would have been someone or something else.

You need to ask yourself these questions (among others) and answer them honestly.

Do you trust him?

If not, why not?

If so, does he know you trust him?

Then, you and he need to have honest conversations about all of this. And I would strongly suggest pre-marital counseling. (I don't think any couple should get married without it.)

ETA:
See, this what makes me think it's about you and him. Like I said, if it weren't her, it would be someone or something else.

Could it be that, now that y'all are living together, he's having second thoughts, too? Maybe this is how he's dealing with those second thoughts and communicating them to you.

I really hope you and he can find a way to talk about all of this.

*laughing* no it's not a joke, and I wouldn't do that to him. I was just typing out of frustration.

I trust him, but I don't like the situation. I don't trust her around him. I haven't asked him if he knows I trust him. I'm thinking he does. We're going to be going to pre-marital counseling, closer to our wedding. MysticCat, thanks for all of this. I'm going to have a one on one talk with him tonight and see how he feels. He already knows how I feel. I've already expressed that to him.

It very well could be about us, but it really seems like he's really into her. She calls him on the phone and they talk for about 30 minutes. The conversation right off sounds like it's about school, but then he walks outside or somewhere else where I can't hear the conversation. It's a lot, and some things come to mind as I type. But I'll talk to him tonight.

Thanks MysticCat.

MysticCat · #7 10-10-2008, 11:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

Thanks MysticCat.

Good luck!!

KSUViolet06 · #8 10-10-2008, 03:06 PM

I definitely think you two need to have a talk. This seems to bother you alot, and whether your suspicions are warranted or not, you defintely need to talk to him about this. If you're going to get married, your issues need to be out in the open. If you don't talk about it, you may not make it to your wedding. Either that, or you'll be divorced before long.