I Don't Date Outside of My Race...

[AKA2D '91]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

At one point, I was put in a position that shamed me. My husband was driving in the south and got pulled over. But, I believe that because I was in the car with another white family member, the officer checked us out and let us go without a warning or anything. He just told us to leave. In a sense, the experience was positive in that my family member had his first personal glimpse into DWB and the continued systemic racism that exists today.

How did you initially respond to your hubby's DWB incident the first time you witnessed it? I'm sure he told you stories where he was victimized or his friends had been. Did you believe DWB or racism was real before you met your hubby? How did your family member respond? Has he or she gotten on the DWB or systemic racism soap box since the incident occurred? Or, is it something that was dealt with at the moment and never really addressed since?

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by AKA2D '91

How did you initially respond to your hubby's DWB incident the first time you witnessed it? I'm sure he told you stories where he was victimized or his friends had been. Did you believe DWB or racism was real before you met your hubby? How did your family member respond? Has he or she gotten on the DWB or systemic racism soap box since the incident occurred? Or, is it something that was dealt with at the moment and never really addressed since?

I honestly have my own serious race issues. If you're interested, I recently had an article published in Theta Nu Xi's national newsletter. I'm not going to post the link, but if you'd like to check it out, it's in the April 2008 issue starting on page 12.

To answer your questions, when it comes to police, I try to stay under the radar. Many years ago, I was involved in an incident with a now-ex-boyfriend (another interracial relationship) that resulted in him being face down on the ground with a cop pointing a gun at his head. I don't find that stamping my feet and demanding justice does much good with *certain* people. I've learned to show as much deference as necessary to get out of the situation.

And, I most definitely believed that DWB and racist was real before I met my husband. I've been fighting this fight within my own family since I was a child. My family member acknowledged that something fishy had happened during the DWB incident, but he won't go as far as admitting that racism is more prevalent than isolated instances. It's been a lifelong goal of mine to introduce my family to the truth and help them embrace it for what it is. Unfortunately, for many years, they didn't take me seriously and did ridiculous things like making inflammatory jokes in my presence to get a rise out of me. It was only when I stopped responding (after I had matured a bit more) that they realized I was serious.

ETA: A contributing factor to my ex-boyfriend being laid out on pavement was that I spoke up and angered the cops. I've been told that wasn't clear so I'm clarifying now.

[SKEEphistAKAte]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

To answer your questions, when it comes to police, I try to stay under the radar. Many years ago, I was involved in an incident with a now-ex-boyfriend (another interracial relationship) that resulted in him being face down on the ground with a cop pointing a gun at his head. I don't find that stamping my feet and demanding justice does much good with *certain* people. I've learned to show as much deference as necessary to get out of the situation.

So basically you think your dude should've shucked and jived his way out of it?

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by SKEEphistAKAte

So basically you think your dude should've shucked and jived his way out of it?

I think you gotta do what you gotta do to stay free and alive. There's no justice in this country.

[starang21]

i got pulled over with an ex one time.

the cop asked me if was ok.

[AKA2D '91]

Originally Posted by starang21

i got pulled over with an ex one time.

the cop asked me if was ok.

Dayum! So much for protecting women. But, then again, I saw on the news the other day where a sista ran a guy down the street shooting at him (thanks to street cameras), so I guess it is possible that starang21 could have been in a bad situation.

[starang21]

Originally Posted by AKA2D '91

Dayum! So much for protecting women. But, then again, I saw on the news the other day where a sista ran a guy down the street shooting at him (thanks to street cameras), so I guess it is possible that starang21 could have been in a bad situation.

LOL, i was playing. i know how to handles my wimmens.

[preciousjeni]

On a related note, in response to what some of y'all have said about the children of interracial parents (black/white specifically), I want children. But, one thing I'm concerned about is how to deal with issues that I haven't personally had to navigate. I can't turn to my parents because they have no idea.

My mother says I borrow trouble - worrying about things before they happen - but I think about how to protect my future children. Things like not wanting them - especially boys - being out at night...not for fear of their safety in general, but for fear that the police will get them. I don't want to sit at home wondering if my child has been arrested.

In reality, who do I turn to when things like that happen? Not my parents. My husbands parents have passed. This is real, y'all. You know?

[MsFoxyLoxy77]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

My mother says I borrow trouble - worrying about things before they happen - but I think about how to protect my future children. Things like not wanting them - especially boys - being out at night...not for fear of their safety in general, but for fear that the police will get them. I don't want to sit at home wondering if my child has been arrested.

In reality, who do I turn to when things like that happen? Not my parents. My husbands parents have passed. This is real, y'all. You know?

So in other words you're worried your future children will be discriminated against. You're afraid they'll be treated like African Americans or people of color. Well they will be people of color and they will be African American.

Who does anyone turn to...Al Sharpton? It doesn't matter how many family members you have or how well connected you are. Anyone...celebrity or not, rich or poor, can be subjected to racism. Any steps that would ever be taken to assist you or your children would most likely come after the fact not before.

I can appreciate that you've thought about the what but I'm not sure you've fully contemplated the who. Who will they be? Though interracial, they will be viewed as black and for better or worse they will be treated as such.

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by MsFoxyLoxy77

I can appreciate that you've thought about the what but I'm not sure you've fully contemplated the who. Who will they be? Though interracial, they will be viewed as black and for better or worse they will be treated as such.

I know they'll be black which is why I'm concerned. I, as a white woman, am on the outside of what they'll experience, so my advice for them can only go so far. At this point, I'm just sharing with y'all my experiences and concerns as a white woman in an ongoing interracial relationship.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

I know they'll be black which is why I'm concerned. I, as a white woman, am on the outside of what they'll experience, so my advice for them can only go so far. At this point, I'm just sharing with y'all my experiences and concerns as a white woman in an ongoing interracial relationship.

The best thing you can do for your "potential children" is to 1st take care yourself, and keep a healthy mind. Then 2nd, know that you will be the best mother you can possibly be--WITH RESOURCES--do not alienate yourself from those places that support you both. Remember, folks that look at your "light skinned" nappy headed children and judge them--that's their problem...

Both my nephew and niece have thick straight hair. My nephew's hair gets cut because it will get out of control. My niece is still an infant and she has a mohawk--both my brother's kids had mohawks as babies... Either way, folks will talk anyway. The reality is your the parent, love them and teach them...

Kids do have some resiliency. And they also have to be taught. If you need parenting skills, get them. Your best duty you can give to them is to be responsible contributing citizens of society...

[teena]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

I know they'll be black which is why I'm concerned. I, as a white woman, am on the outside of what they'll experience, so my advice for them can only go so far. At this point, I'm just sharing with y'all my experiences and concerns as a white woman in an ongoing interracial relationship.

You have to remember, this is why children have two parents.

[lovehaiku84]

Originally Posted by teena

You have to remember, this is why children have two parents.

Exactly. I also think that you can't be afraid to reach out when you need help. There are forums like this that cater to African American mothers. Don't be afraid to join and say that you are the white mother of a child that is half black, that your child is experiencing X, and you want to know how to deal with it. Just recently in the parenting forum at nappturality.com a white woman with two daughters adopted from Haiti posted some questions about hair. She was embraced with open online arms, and still posts from time to time.

[starang21]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

I know they'll be black which is why I'm concerned. I, as a white woman, am on the outside of what they'll experience, so my advice for them can only go so far. At this point, I'm just sharing with y'all my experiences and concerns as a white woman in an ongoing interracial relationship.

tell them to ask their dad.

[AKA2D '91]

I read the article. What kind of response have you received? What did your family members think of it?

You came up in the time when little girls should be seen and not heard. Boy, my sister and I KNEW when adults were around, you didn't have anything to contribute.